Son coming home "not exactly Shomer Shabbos"

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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hey its me

Thu, Mar 30 2006, 9:42 pm

sara g, at the age of 16 I went off the derech, non shomer shabbas, didnt keep kashrus....at that point I weasnt living at home, my family were visiting me, looking back now I feel terrible wat I put my fam through but at that point didnt understand anyone and all my fam did was push me further away!!!

the most important thing is to accept him and his lifestyle, im sure its hell seeing ur own child turn against what u wanted for him, but please show him you love him dont comment on his ways let him try out life hell see theres nothing on the other side!!!!!!

until the age of 19 I experimented, I honestly still believe that if not for the nasty talk from my community, and a little more support from my mom I wouldnt have fallen so low!

I believe my experiences made me who I am today!im a strong person iv been through a lot, I questioned yiddishkeit but in the end saw it was a the true path!I try and help other teens who are experiencing wat I experienced, they need love and understanding!

sara im with u, I wish I could undo the pain I caused my loved ones!I know I give my fam true nachas now and hope to continue 2 do so!

I know lead a frum warm home alongside the best and most understanding husband!

it might take 1-2-3 years but ur son will come back!!!

if u wana talk feel free to pm me!

chocolate moose

Fri, Mar 31 2006, 9:45 am

Thank you all for helping and for your concern.

We had our "chat" last night, that he asked for.

We talked about girls, drugs, being shomer shabbos, what he expects out of life.........

I won't say it's laziness or rebellion, he truly thinks he can be Lub. and be "free".

I think he has his head screwed on straight, though. A lot of things tempt him and that's hard.

Motek

Fri, Mar 31 2006, 2:41 pm

SaraG wrote:

To begin with, DS is 18 and has been "at risk" all his life.

that is so very sad Crying

WHY has this been this way? What

as for the posters who spoke about it being a passing stage, a "teen" thing, clearly this is not the case here!

Quote:

he truly thinks he can be Lub. and be "free".

I think he has his head screwed on straight, though

I think these statements are contradictory!

shayna82

Fri, Mar 31 2006, 2:49 pm

hey its me, your thoughts are nice, but not everyone comes back, and sarag has to prepare herself if that would be the case. hopefully it wont be, and as stated, it just might be a stage.

sarag, may hashem give your the strength and insight on how to deal with this, you sound like a strong women!!

much luck!

Motek

Fri, Mar 31 2006, 2:52 pm

shayna82 wrote:

it just might be a stage.

sarag made it clear (in the frowning face thread) that her son has been suffering all his life and this is no stage!

shayna82

Fri, Mar 31 2006, 2:55 pm

well no matter if he was dealing with these kind of things his whole life, the teen years are definitly harder with their own set of tayvos, so yes, this is a stage in and of itself.

queen

Fri, Mar 31 2006, 5:29 pm

sorry you have to be going through this. Does your son have a connection (is he close) w/ your husband?

chocolate moose

Sat, Apr 01 2006, 7:11 pm

Actually...a day or two afteer DS came home, DH was rushed to the hospital with chest pains.

Suspected he was having a heart attack.

Motek

Sat, Apr 01 2006, 7:45 pm

terrible! how is he now? do you connect it or does your husband connect it with your son?

happyone

Sat, Apr 01 2006, 8:00 pm

Gut voch.
You sure got your hands full. How's your husband now.

koolmother

Sat, Apr 01 2006, 8:13 pm

hope your husband is feeling better.

there is actually something called yam or aliyah in crown heights and they are both for lubavitch teens who went a little off, and I know that they do a really good job

good luck

chocolate moose

Sat, Apr 01 2006, 10:20 pm

Well, he has to get a stress test. I told him if the problem continues , ds can't live with us, at all.

He's trying to handle it.

ektsm

Sat, Apr 01 2006, 10:27 pm

I think you should just accept him as he is and offer as much love as possible. At this point you just want him to be a part of your life. If you encourage frumkeit in a friendly way hopefully he will comply. There probably isn't much more you can do for him. The only thing one might worry about is him having an influence on your other children!

chavamom

Sat, Apr 01 2006, 10:29 pm

Hope your dh is doing OK!

Motek

Sun, Apr 02 2006, 11:37 am

sarag- what was your son's reaction to your husband's medical scare?

hardwrknmom

Sun, Apr 02 2006, 3:10 pm

shayna its a stage, I agree. I'm sure at that stage some of us had thoughts or even did actions to rebel.

Just love him and hug him. Let him know you are there for him. That is so much more important. If you show that affection he will listen to you.

Teens come back, as you get older you understand that there is ONLY ONE DERECH. But he will see the light with the love you will give to him.

Don't punish or berade him. For you and your husband to speak to him in a nice conversation will be good for him.

Just my feelings...

Crayon210

Sun, Apr 02 2006, 3:28 pm

hardwrknmom wrote:

shayna its a stage, I agree.

What kind of "stage" lasts numerous years?! SaraG has mentioned that he's had these types of issues for a while. If the vast majority of his life is a "stage"...that just doesn't make sense. At some point it becomes his life (until now) and not a stage.

hardwrknmom wrote:

If you show that affection he will listen to you.

I think this is unfair and misleading. Some of the most affectionate parents have children that still won't listen.

hardwrknmom wrote:

Teens come back, as you get older you understand that there is ONLY ONE DERECH. But he will see the light with the love you will give to him.

Again, some teens come back, some don't. Not everyone understands that there is only one derech. Love won't necessarily break him out of this. It's unfair to make it sound so simple-- love + affection + good things = good result. It's part of golus. Crying

Motek

Sun, Apr 02 2006, 3:32 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

hardwrknmom wrote:

shayna its a stage, I agree.

thanks crayon

these "stage" comments are driving me nuts, as well-intentioned as they may be

sarag made it clear that this has been a problem since he is a young child Sad

queen

Sun, Apr 02 2006, 3:52 pm

Motek wrote:

thanks crayon

motek- you know what that comment is going to generate LOL Rolling Laughter

shayna82

Sun, Apr 02 2006, 3:53 pm

yes, you are right, it has been a problem from the beginning, and that statement is driving ME nuts.

you are right, but regardless if he was going through that his whole life, the teenage years are a hard 'STAGE' in and of itself, with its own battles.

can we move on from this? petty picking on words

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