Who spends more Chasson or Kallahs family?

smilingmom

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 4:03 am

I have two married daughters and a son that is engaged.
It appears to me that we are spending more on my son's wedding preps than the girls.

We are not complaining, and we are happy to do so.
They are not high maintenance and my son and his kallah are worth more than we can ever spend.

I was just wondering from those of you with more experience and knowledge, which is more costly? The Chosson's or Kallah's wedding & marriage prep costs.

bbmom

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 10:41 am

I would say it was pretty much equal. My family is much larger than DH's so my parents obviously spent more on outfitting and flying everyone in. Also we stayed in a hotel for 2 nights for my brother's wedding, a pretty big expense that the other side didn't have.

DefyGravity

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 10:53 am

I didn't realize that the family has to pay for the shaitel, linens, clothes, housewares, etc. As an adult, I paid for that myself (and already owned clothing as I didn't often walk around naked).

maidale

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 10:57 am

I guess that depends where you are coming from. in the communities where the girls marry young, (chassidish) by the time the wedding rolls around she doesn't have too many savings, and a boy straight from yeshiva usually has no savings at all. The parents usually set up this couple into their new life, and they take over from there. The couple gets a job to support themselves, etc. But the wedding expenses are not usually on them.

Raisin

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 11:04 am

it ranges from 50/50 to chassans family paying for only FLOPS, and of course if the chassan is from a different city they have the expense of travelling and accomodation. There is another thread on this topic - called something like flops.

mommy#1

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 12:20 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

Oftentimes, FLOP can end up coming out to around half the wedding costs.

yeah, 1/2 the WEDDING costs, but the kallah has to buy furniture, sheitels, apartment... and the list goes on. the chosson, at least in my circles, only brings his clothes to the house. oh, & a car

DefyGravity

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 12:44 pm

I guess in your circles that's what happens. In mine, the couple generally buys all that. My husband already had a house and car, we bought furniture together, and I bought my sheitel. We bought another car for me several years after marriage.

That's crazy that the bride's family is expected to buy things that adults should either already have or should be capable of purchasing at this point in life. If they aren't capable of buying basic adult items, then maybe they're not ready for marriage.

manhattanmom

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 12:50 pm

mommy#1 wrote:

DefyGravity wrote:

Oftentimes, FLOP can end up coming out to around half the wedding costs.

yeah, 1/2 the WEDDING costs, but the kallah has to buy furniture, sheitels, apartment... and the list goes on. the chosson, at least in my circles, only brings his clothes to the house. oh, & a car

Since when does the kallah's family have to buy an apartment and fully furnish it before the wedding?
We're subletting and are slowly buying our own furniture as we need it just like most of people I know. We're doing fine. After our wedding we moved into a basically empty apartment--we had beds, 2 Ikea dressers (we just ordered a bedroom set now after 3 years!) and a table with folding chairs....
We've accumulated things slowly....
Also, as far as clothes. Besides for my wedding gown and some more mature-looking sleep-wear, I didn't buy new clothes before I got married--not even any new outfits for sheva brochos. I just got lots of accessories like snoods/hats/tichels and a shaitel.

manhattanmom

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 12:52 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

That's crazy that the bride's family is expected to buy things that adults should either already have or should be capable of purchasing at this point in life. If they aren't capable of buying basic adult items, then maybe they're not ready for marriage.

I was just about to say that!

bbmom

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 12:57 pm

My parents paid for one sheitel and my dress. His paid for a new hat and two kapotes.

We were not able to move into our apartment until 6 weeks after our wedding so thats when we set it up. With our money. I did have a bridal shower which basically covered my entire kitchen, but linens, bathroom stuff and all of the furniture we bought and paid for ourselves. (3 cheers for craigslist)

So aside from the fact that my sheitel cost me about $2,000 more than his hat it was pretty much even.

mommy#1

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 1:47 pm

manhattanmom wrote:

mommy#1 wrote:

DefyGravity wrote:

Oftentimes, FLOP can end up coming out to around half the wedding costs.

yeah, 1/2 the WEDDING costs, but the kallah has to buy furniture, sheitels, apartment... and the list goes on. the chosson, at least in my circles, only brings his clothes to the house. oh, & a car

I wrote "IN MY CIRCLES"! that is whats done in my circles, whether its right or not

acccdac

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 2:13 pm

I'm not saying that either way is right but just cause that is the norm in your circle, doenst mean you have to do it.

some expect the husbands family to pay for the first sheitel and the husbands family can say here is $however much money and if there is left over for the sheitel then there is leftover.

The boys family can expect the girls family to buy the linens, and the girls paretns can say to the boys we'll pay for half or none of it. If the parents get upset at each other it wont be the first couple to have that.

The problem is by having this discourse between the in laws is having the young couple be torn between their parents and future spouse. But I think people need to speak up, and all of this drama between the families should be kept away from the couples. Let the mothers tell their son and daughter seperately. Your linen is being bought or not being bought by the parents and deal with it, without hearing we want to pay for ti but THEY dont so THEY are evil and we are the best thing since slice bread

smilingmom

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 3:02 pm

Thanks everyone for your responses.
Defy, you sound very angry in your posts.
Paying for a wedding and setting up their household, is a mitzvah I gladly do.

I wonder, if a couple is in medical school, living in the dorm and decide to get married, should they wait until they are both finished with the residency so that they are "capable of buying basic adult items", because until "then maybe they're not ready for marriage."? Though they may be adult enough to save your life.

DefyGravity

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 3:14 pm

smilingmom wrote:

If they can't support themselves, then they should wait to get married. If they have parents that can help them, fine. I feel the same way about the young couples that get married and can't support themselves. If the parents can afford it, fine. However, It's sad that people are expected to take care of their adult children, especially if they can't afford to do so.

It doesn't make me angry, but I think it's a bad system that just breeds a society of people that are constantly going to be dependent on other people.

Pickle Lady

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 3:14 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

I didn't realize that the family has to pay for the shaitel, linens, clothes, housewares, etc. As an adult, I paid for that myself (and already owned clothing as I didn't often walk around naked).

I am with you on that one. I paid for my side of the wedding also. My husbands family sent me money a month after the wedding to cover some of the expenses. I think the good side about it was that I wasn't a nervous kallah because I was one darn busy kallah especially since I worked full time in a real professional job (not a secretary or teacher).

DefyGravity

Fri, Jul 31 2009, 3:18 pm

I have no problem with parents helping their children IF THEY CAN AFFORD IT and do it because they want to. I think it's bad that it's become something that parents have to do whether they can afford it or not.