Teen girl getting married off early

amother

Fri, Oct 13 2006, 1:34 am

I was "bummy girl" Mashpiim and The Lubavitcher Rebbe recommended "marrying me off" I married an amazing BT and we've grown allot together. We have an wonderful marriage and a house full of kids. We also are involved in community work. PPl that hear my story say "You were a "Bummy teenager I can't believe it"" Everyone has their own struggles, let's not judge each other or try to raise each other's children.

lamplighter

Fri, Oct 13 2006, 12:54 pm

I feel like its hard for me to answer because I know the girl being discussed.
there is a differnece between marrying them off to somebody to fix their issues, and them marrying the guy in question.
she is a minor and the it is the parents' issue and they are held responsible.
my personal thoughts are :
can't make judgmetns or predictions on a marriage but shame for her that she is missing out on a lot of her formative growing up years.
as someone who works wiht teens at risk, I often give them articles from preganacy magazines etc and say sure u love this guy, but that menas commitment and possibly a baby in 10 months..we go through resposbonsibilities of a married woman and they dont usually go ahead wiht the marriage. I say if u love him so much in 3/4 years u will be jsut as happy to marry him (I.e. when ur out of school). in those 3/4 years amny thigns happen although sometimes they do end up marryign after all that time and I cannnot say taht that wasn't bashert.
one last point I was thinking of......
how will this girl explain to her children what/why she did it"

amother

Fri, Oct 13 2006, 5:31 pm

I was married to a guy like that. He was married off to hopefully get him to settle down. For most of my marriage all I kept hearing was dont tell me what to do. he ended up leaving me with a few kids, and saying he has no intentions of being a father. He basically is living a non-jewish lifestyle and doing whatever he pleases. I firmly believe parents dont always know what is best for their kids(especially since they tend to be in denial) and not to marry my kids off if they are not ready-just remind me I said that in a few years, lol LOL

lamplighter

Mon, Oct 16 2006, 12:30 am

sorry saraG I thought we were talkign about someone else in our community who recently did get married off.

I dont like to say anyhting if I dont know the story so ye...

shlomitsmum

Mon, Oct 16 2006, 2:20 pm

Original poster... be mad at me I you want but ....

Were you there when the girl behaved in a inmodest manner?
did you SEE her?
how is it relevant that her parents are BT'S?
Do you honestly think that calling her Bummy is Kind?

How does it "help"to point this out in cyberspace?
would you talk about this girl if she or her mum was within ear shot?

despite your good intentions how can you help the situation by telling people other people's problems...I don't understand?

Has it occurred to you that maybe she comes from a very judgemental and opinionated community sometimes girls are "given" a reputation and they act out because everyone has already given them a bad name. children sometimes act according to community expectations.

If you REALLY want to help don't spread the "story"!
Daven that Hashem gides her in her marriage and that she is blessed with much happiness. Talk to your rav before speaking about other people.

talking is cheap and frankly Mean sometimes.

chocolate moose

Mon, Oct 16 2006, 2:33 pm

I am the Original Poster. I was not anonymous.

this is what I posted:

"Good friends of our, BT’s who keep themselves on an extremely high level, have a daughter with a history: she sneaks off to clubs with boys (and I don’t know what else) and I hear she has been kicked out of at least two chassidische high schools.

Last I heard, she was “going out” on shidduchim; guess her parents feel it’s safer to marry her off.

It’s not my business, but I think it’s sort of sad…..she’ll be 18 in two months; what kind of guy will be interested in her, what kind of life will she lead? She still has so much living and growing to do…."

I still don't see what the big deal is.....no one knows who she is or nec. even who I am. Most women here thought it was someone else!!!

I posted it to discuss MY feelings, not her situation.

Having my own "kids as risk", I thought it would be helpfult io discuss solutions.

Shlomitsmum, did you read through all of the posts here b/c if you had, I think you would understand this.

shlomitsmum

Mon, Oct 16 2006, 3:52 pm

Sara G ,

I did read the other posts but I wanted to understand What prompted YOU to say those things....you as the creator of the topic get the main feedback from me the reader.
The fact that people thought you were talking about people they know should concern you , the bottom line and what I was trying to convey was... would you aprecciate people talking about your children and your family like this ? Even if nobody knows the people Hashem knows you are casting a group of jews in a negative light ! for your own sake give this a thought.

You should express your feelings in the most constructive manner we were given Daven for other people's kids ! express your sincere feelings to Hashem while davening and in the merit of your true care may Hashem grant you only Nachas from your own kids. I wish you all the best .

Honestly,talking to people here has very little chance to help ....Mentioning they were BT'S casts a negative light on BT'S and helps perpetuate negative attitudes towards them and sounds a lot like Loshon Horah . Don't talk about other people , the price we pay is not worth it.

chocolate moose

Mon, Oct 16 2006, 3:57 pm

So - why are you discussing MY ideas on a public forum then?

PM me your opinion and be done with it. Or PM a moderator that you think it's inappropriate and see what she says, or if she wants to remove the discussion.