Do you invite grandparents friend to childs Bar Mitzvah?

amother

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 4:30 pm

I am actually not sure which section to ask this question but I will ask it here. I'yh we are making a bar mitzvah for our oldest son soon. My question is our parents want to invite alot of their friends to the weekday party. Are they entitled to invite who they want to their grandchilds bar mitzvah. DH & I are paying the bill. What did other people do out there when it came to their kids simchos?

neverbored

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 4:35 pm

I didn't invite any of my parents or in-laws friends, nor did they ask me too. My in-laws gave us a little money towards the Bar Mitzvah.

amother

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 4:42 pm

If you'd like to allow them to each invite one couple, you can call them and offer that to them.
In either case tell them in a nice way that you are only inviting your friends and family and that there is no room for any other guests.

GetReal

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 4:43 pm

Haven't made a Bar Mitzvah but why would you invite your parent's friends? Unless they are family friends and you have a relationship with them too.

tzipp

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 4:44 pm

It's fair to ask them to contribute some $ if they want to invite a lot of friends. And if you feel they have so many guests it will overtake the rest, it's fair to ask them to limit their freinds to a certain amount. It depends what you feel comfortable comprosimising with- try to be fair but assertive. the main thing should be the experience for the bar mitzva boy.

GetReal

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 4:48 pm

GetReal wrote:

Haven't made a Bar Mitzvah but why would you invite your parent's friends? Unless they are family friends and you have a relationship with them too.

Along these lines, when I got married my grandmother asked my mother if she invited this person and that one, and my mother respectfully said no (these are like way distant cousins. ) So my grandmother said, but they invite me when they make a simcha! My mother said but they invite you, not me...I am making this simcha, not you...in a very nice way of course, not those words.

So maybe your parents, like my grandmother, are thinking of it as "their" simcha.

Mrs Bissli

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 4:55 pm

On one hand, I can understand why zeidie and bubbie want to show off their grandson.

Would this one help geriatric crowd control?
"Mom & Dad, Of course we'd love to invite your guests. I just wanted you to be aware
that Yossi really wants to have that big noisy band with the DJ at his party."

neverbored

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 5:03 pm

GetReal wrote:

Haven't made a Bar Mitzvah but why would you invite your parent's friends? Unless they are family friends and you have a relationship with them too.

there is a big difference between a bar mitzvah and a wedding. I would definitely invite my parents and in-laws friends to my kids wedding, but a bar mitzvah is a much smaller event usually.

Mommy3.5

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 5:27 pm

If the request didn't cost extra, I'd give in to it. OTOH, inviting lots of extra people costs lots of extra money. I would say something like this:

Mom, dad, I know its important to you to have your friends share in the bar misva, But, things are a bit tight now, and we would like to keep it small. Wed be happy to let you invite x amount of couples, but we really cannot afford more."

Don't ask for money, its tacky, and they will get angry. Just say the same thing over and over and do not raise your voice, keep telling them you love them but this is really all you can manage at this time.

amother

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 5:57 pm

I think we invited more of my parents' friends than we did our own! I was shocked at how few friends we have, at least close enough to invite to a simcha, so if we hadn't inluded my parents' friends, we'd have had the most pathetically small BM imaginable. anyway, the older ppl give much more generous gifts, since the ppl our age are all paying tuition thru the nose.

amother

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 7:32 pm

My parents asked us to invite about 5 couples to the Bar mitzvahs & about 10 to the weddings in addition to soem relatives that I probably would not have invited otherwise. The friends of my parents are people I have known for a very long time. Do I still have much of a relationship anymore? not really, only when I see them at my parents. But these are people from my past, people who watched me grow up & my parents watched their kids growup. Some of them made sheva brachos for me. Why should I say no to my parents?

goodheart

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 8:06 pm

I would only invite their freinds if they would pay for the couples .
unless it would not make a diffrence to ur pockets then .......

momaleh

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 10:25 pm

There are definitely friends of my parents that I would want to invite. I speak to them and see them when I come visit, they have given us generous gifts for our kids at various times and are closer than some aunts and uncles. However, I would limit it and tell them so. I am also sure that my parents would offer to pay for them.

Isramom8

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 10:31 pm

"Mom and Dad, we'd be happy to host a few of your friends at Juniorel's bar mitzvah. We were wondering if you are able at this point to help us out with some of the costs. The hall and catering are charging "x" amount per person. Do you think you might be able to cover the cost of "y" number of your friends?"

amother

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 10:37 pm

My MIL sends out about 200 invitations for each ds's bar mitzvah.
My parents send out none.
No offer of monetary help ever.

Marion

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 10:46 pm

Only if these are people you also have a relationship with. For the 1st bris we made we "allowed" DH's grandmother x number of invitations (I think it was 5)...she used them for cousins. DS#2's bris was Shabbat, so we were comfortable in the knowledge that the truly elderly would not be able to join us...we were "generous" in the number of "external" invitations. If there is another bris we hope to make it at home and there simply will not be room for everyone...the grandparents are welcome (and able) to make a party for their friends to which we'll bring the baby for an "appearance", but there will not be bris invitations forthcoming.

shalhevet

Sat, Nov 14 2009, 11:38 pm

I know my parents were recently invited to the bar-mitzva of a grandson of good friends of theirs, even though they didn't know the boy or his parents.

I would think it would be nice to say to your parents/ in-laws "Is there a couple or two you are especially close to and would like to invite?" But no more than that (unless they offer to pay, and you don't feel it will take over your simcha).

amother

Sun, Nov 15 2009, 7:10 am

My MIL sends out about 200 invitations for each ds's bar mitzvah.
My parents send out none.
No offer of monetary help ever.

How many people were out your sons Bar Mitzvah?

amother

Sun, Nov 15 2009, 7:31 am

amother wrote:

My MIL sends out about 200 invitations for each ds's bar mitzvah.
My parents send out none.
No offer of monetary help ever.

How many people were at your sons Bar Mitzvah?

That is a good point. I must admit that, thank G-d, most of those people (it's way more than 200 people - that's only the number of invitations, she invites an entire family with one invitation) do not show up - maybe about 30 to 50 do. It's one of the main reasons we have a buffet and not a sit-down meal.