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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Preschoolers
lech lecha08
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 Tue, Dec 01 2009, 2:52 am
My DD is 3 1/2 and has been sucking her thumb since she was 7 weeks old. She mostly only does while in a passive activity (listening to a story/"reading" to herself) and to help her fall asleep.
DH took her to gan today and she must have been sucking her thumb because when they walked in, the assistant said "etzba b'peh, zeh lo yafeh".
I'm upset by this for 2 reasons:
1- there were a handful of other kids there and apparently they joined in with this rhyme. So how many times a day does she hear it? Is that really the best way to stop a thumbsucker?
2- Another kid, only a month younger, still has a pacifier! What's the difference between the 2?
Am I wrong to be upset? Should I say something to the teachers?
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mimivan
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 3:15 am
Just in my experience...shame tends to make habits, particularly nervous ones, Worse, not better.
is she going to be sucking her thumb at the chuppah? Why, I had a madricha who sometimes sucked her thumb when in deep thought. Yeah, it looked funny, but she had many outstanding qualities such as intellectual brilliance, that the thumbsucking ceased to bug us.
unfortunately I find the "shame tactic" for this and for potty training very much in use here...and it doesn't work. I have to keep my 3 year old who has regressed in his potty training thanks to this shame tactic away from certain relatives who may aggravate the problem with their "atah oseh caci b'titul? Fooooyah!!! Buuuusha! Foooyah Atah!" (I want to scream when they add the "atah" at the end!)  
Last edited by mimivan on Tue, Dec 01 2009, 3:18 am; edited 1 time in total
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lech lecha08
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 3:17 am
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I don't mind the thumbsucking. I'm upset by the gan's approach. Would you say something?
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mimivan
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 3:20 am
| lech lecha08 wrote: | | I don't mind the thumbsucking. I'm upset by the gan's approach. Would you say something? |
sorry, I misunderstood the initial post and I edited mine.
Heavens yes! and show them evidence from educators, child development experts (don't have it ,but there are many books written) that shame tactics DO NOT WORK for nervous habits (or any habits IMHO)
p.s. this is the section I added to my post:
unfortunately I find the "shame tactic" for this and for potty training very much in use here...and it doesn't work. I have to keep my 3 year old who has regressed in his potty training thanks to this shame tactic away from certain relatives who may aggravate the problem with their "atah oseh caci b'titul? Fooooyah!!! Buuuusha! Foooyah Atah!" (I want to scream when they add the "atah" at the end!) Puke Banging head
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drumjj
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 3:22 am
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I would say something, definately, its not their job either to tell your child what to do they are not the parents. I agree with mimisinger and I also have a child who sucks her thumb and I used to suck my thumb myself, I dont do it anymore and eventually I grew out of it and it doesnt change what sort of person u are even if u do suck ur thumb.
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mammele26
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 3:44 am
CHAS VISHALOM! What a dirty tactic. Besides for it having a negative affect on the habit, a few things:
1-it teaches that shaming is ok, as long as you understand why you're doing it and for a good cause, of course.
2-its achzorios.
3-the teachers teach that embarrasing someone is ki'ilu murduring them, and then they do the same thing...
4-and for what? The 'big sin' of thumbsucking? Could you leave the child alone? I sucked my thumb until the sixth grade when something was inserted in my mouth covering my palate and then with no choice, I stopped. I'm not saying that you can't get impatient w/ it before the sixth grade, but if you don't like it when the child is in first grade let's say, DO something practical, ask a pediatrician or someone who knows and take constructive measure. Oh, and it's the PARENTS' business!
I would definitely call up the kindergarten/playgroup to say that this 'treatment' must stop.
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LeahW
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 4:05 am
Freaky to think your DD could be hearing that chanted at her all day with the kids joining in, like some kind of Brave New World. If you would like help in breaking the habit, the ganenent could gently push her hand away and comment how nice it is to see her beautiful face. Or she could simply occupy her hands with something else. She could ask her to help with cutting, holding things for her.
Not to alarm you, but I do actually know someone, a great girl, who went to the chuppah with this habit. The good news is it didn't stop her from finding a shidduch!
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geemum
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 4:20 am
I'm not a fan of thumbsucking, but chanting at a kid (with all the kids in harmony) is totally wrong.
Like above posters said, it can only make it worse. It can give a child a complex. Like LeahW said, better to encourage her to take her hand out her mouth with positive comments like "Now I can see your beautiful face".
I think you should say something to the Gannenet, but bear in mind, that she proabably thinks she's helping your DD rid this habit, not trying to shame her. You could even tell her that she shouldn't comment at all, as you think there's no harm in the child sucking her thumb, but that it helps her to relax. Good luck.
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lech lecha08
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 4:40 am
Good to know I'm not the only one who was disturbed by this. The fact that a few kids already knew the rhyme reeeeeally got to me.
I don't know if it's an Israeli culture thing but why do people seem more accepting pacifiers in "older" kids (3, 4) than thumb sucking? I really don't see a difference.
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LeahW
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 5:38 am
| lech lecha08 wrote: | Good to know I'm not the only one who was disturbed by this. The fact that a few kids already knew the rhyme reeeeeally got to me.
I don't know if it's an Israeli culture thing but why do people seem more accepting pacifiers in "older" kids (3, 4) than thumb sucking? I really don't see a difference. |
Personally, I am grossed out by thumb sucking, but pacifiers don't bother me as much. I think Israelis are more hygienic-oriented, maybe they just find pacifiers to be more hygienic.
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clew
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 7:53 am
Shaming a child has long term ramifications. Somebody that shames a child should never be a teacher.
Shame lives with us forever. Definitely say something.
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Marion
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 7:57 am
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Give my kid a thumb over a pacifier any day! IMO if a child is old enough to be in gan he's old enough to be without a pacifier. (Kal vachomer, in some circles, if he's old enough for tzitzit...)
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KAlex
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 2:19 pm
| LeahW wrote: | | Personally, I am grossed out by thumb sucking, but pacifiers don't bother me as much. I think Israelis are more hygienic-oriented, maybe they just find pacifiers to be more hygienic. |
Personally I'd see thumb sucking as far more hygienic. Kids (and adults too!) will put their hands in and near their mouths regularly whether they suck their thumbs or not, and should be having those kept clean either way. I've seen dummies picked up and used from everywhere and anywhere and reused (sometimes even by adults) and shared between kids, especially when people are out and can't rewash them easily.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 2:52 pm
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Whats wrong with it still being a habit? I still do it in the night and why should it effect anyone? I dont do it in public its my way of sleeping like some like to sleep on their arm.
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Meema2Kids
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 2:57 pm
I would say something, as a parent it's your right to decide when, if and how to help the child "wean" from the thumb.
I have a 1st grader who still sucks his thumb and every year his morah asks how we should handle it - if anything else, there needs to be consistency between home and school.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 01 2009, 2:57 pm
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I had a girl I knew who was still sucking away in high school..she got married so I guess it didnt effect her in that way...
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Leahle18
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Sun, Dec 06 2009, 3:53 am
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I would totally speak to the morah- not only is it mean and assur to shame a child, it is also developementally NORMAL for kids to suck...some kids need it for a long time and if that need isn't satisfied or denied they will resort to sucking on objects, nail biting, or some other self soothing method.
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freidasima
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Sun, Dec 06 2009, 6:06 am
The ganent is so typical of what goes on here.
Please speak to her and explain that it is just going to make things worse.
But probably she won't listen to you anyhow. The minute you turn your back she will do what she wants and the damage is already done.
I would have a talk with the child davka and explain that it's not usually something that adults do and in gan the ganennet tries to teach them adult behavior. But one thing about adult behavior is not to shame someone (!) and that doing that is not nice. Yes, you can let your child know that you are criticizing their gannenet, it will give them a sense of self esteem believe it or not...
And just for the record, lot of kids suck their thumbs till adulthood and after. And get married. Happily ever after. Some even have blankets they like to keep in bed with them...after they are married. If it works for them, it's not a problem.
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bashinda
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Sun, Dec 06 2009, 11:25 pm
OP, that's horrible! Shame is exactly what you don't want to do. I would think I'd retreat to my thumb more if I was the child.
I don't understand the poster who says there should be consistency with school and home. So you think that saying no thumb sucking at school but it's okay for when you're tired isn't correct? That's what we do with my 6 year old.
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levial
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Mon, Jan 04 2010, 12:13 pm
We are trying something new in my house...so I thought to share. DH's family has adults who suck their thumbs so I'm acclamated to the fact that we have a thumb sucker by genetics. I'm American, and am willing to follow the "it will go away eventually" thing. DH is Israeli and it really bothers him. We have occasional arguments where I point out that his reaction is detrimental to her development.
DD is crazy for nailpolish. She loves art projects and sees it as an extension of painting (not that she's some warped tiny beauty queen who will next ask for lipgloss). DH is dead set against nailpolish and feels its not tsnua.
At the same time he is convinced if I'd just use the bitter stuff that you can buy at the drug store, problem solved. I know people have told me some kids are all about the reward chart, and others just "got used to" the bitter stuff. DD is tenacious and I expect she'll just be "getting used to it."
So I combined my willingness to paint the bitter stuff on her nails with a reward and convinced DH. I took her to the drug store and bought every bad chemical-free glitter nail polish. It goes on clear with a few sparkles, so it passed the tsniut test for DH though he'd prefer none (I countered that the bitter stuff would also go on clear). She really campaigned for hot pink, but nope, we picked between 2-4 polishes to find the best sparklies.It's just really nothing on her fingers, but she wiggles them and is excited.
I then made a big deal at the kitchen table with a dish of soapy water, a cuticle stick, hand cream, the polish and the "SPECIAL TOP COAT FROM FRANCE TO KEEP THE SPARKLES ON LONGER" (orly brand if you're wondering). She soaked her little tips, let me file her nails (tickles mommy!) and then apply the sparkles. Then she let it dry and we applied the bitter stuff, I mean, Special top coat from France that keeps the sparkles longer.
She has normal times of day where she is tired (after school) or stressed (new babysitter) or bedtime where she sucks her thumb. She aced the first two last night no problem. She shows everyone she knows the nailpolish with a tiny flourish.
Last night, at bedtime she whispered "Mommy, if I put my thumb away from my tongue I can suck it still." I didn't say anything. I peeked in a few times during the night and she was not sucking it.
This morning she asked if she could have more sparklies. I said yes AND we'll put more special topcoat on. She hasn't sucked her thumb at all and showed her Morahs her nails proudly.
May not work in your house, but it's a huge step in ours. I'll let you know if it sticks, but we've seen a 80-90% reduction in sucking just in the last 48 hours.
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