why offer something you don't want to do ?!

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Why offer something you don't want to do ?!

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greenfire

Mon, Dec 08 2008, 5:36 pm

why on earth do people offer things or hint things that they hope people will not accept ... I've heard this over and over again here ... it just doesn't make any sense ... What

say it like it is ... NO NO NO (thanx Wink

)

yo'ma

Mon, Dec 08 2008, 5:38 pm

They're just trying to be polite. I'm with the no, though. I'm not polite Confused

Inspired

Mon, Dec 08 2008, 6:17 pm

I agree. You know how we tell people in need of help- 'if ppl. offer, take them up on it!' It really bites when it's not true. If you don't mean it- don't offer!

canadamom

Mon, Dec 08 2008, 6:23 pm

this happens to me sometimes. my husband always asks "why do you offer more than you can handle?" but usually at the moment that I offer my help etc. I genuinly want to help, it's just after, when push comes to shove that I might not be in the mood, or I'm overwhelmed... sometimes I wish I can just say no without feeling guilty

imokay

Mon, Dec 08 2008, 6:33 pm

I do it all the time, embarrassed

I do it because yes, it's expected of me and I feel guilty- but- I genuinely want to help and I want to show the person that I really care about their situation. a lot of times, the person we are offering our services to, well we know s/he will decline to accept bc it wud be really hard for us, but we know this person wanted to hear the offer nontheless- s/he feels that we care about the situation enuf to offer our services, despite the reality that it's not feasible to do so.

for example, when my mil is overwhelmed with her sick mother, I offer my help to her, despite the fact that with b"h my new baby and other kids and work, we both know it wud be nearly impossible for me to do so. so she says no it's ok, but appreciates the fact that I cared enough to offer. on the other hand, if I wouldn't offer she wud have been upset with me that I didn't offer to help her out.

zaq

Tue, Dec 09 2008, 9:28 am

IMO, offering help you have no intention of supplying is a form of geneivat daat (deceit, literally "mind theft"). People do it because they believe they will be turned down but will get "social credit" for having offered. Or maybe they don't even think that deeply. It's something that they parrot without thought, like the "hi-how-are-you" you call out in passing on the street. you're not really asking after their health , may not even be interested in stopping to chat, but it's a social formula.

a yiddishe mamme

Thu, May 21 2009, 9:19 pm

I hate when people do it to me therefore I try not to offer in advance. Even if someone hints... I'll wait and see if I can actually do it and call up once I'm about to do it but sometimes I regret that I didn't offer if it's an opportunity that passes. It's hard to know sometimes.

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