neighborhood bullying

SingALong

Sun, May 31 2009, 1:56 am

my DD age 4 1/2 experienced some terrible bullying today and I'm heartbroken about it. this has never happened before. I'll tell the story, maybe TMI, but I really need to vent and hear some practical advice for more veteran moms out there.

I live in a dead end street where a lot of kids are always playing outside, including my DD. she has many friends her age that she plays with. over shavuous I noticed that she is around the house a lot, playing with the baby not outside with friends so much. she can seek alone time every once in awhile so I never think anything of it. we sat outside together, her and my baby played.

there was this group of kids in the park that kept on bothering her. ie, she would bike past the park and they'd all come out throwing wood chips at her. or chase her, or smack her. she is 4 1/2. some of these kids were kids that she usually plays with happily, her age. there were a few other kids that were guests by ppl for yom tov, and some other older kdis that she usually has nothing to do with. one of these older kids a guest, kept telling the others to go hurt my DD, or gang up on her.

I'm upset at myself for not chapping what was going on since she was happy to sit with me, I didn't realize she was afraid. when I finally saw the bullying, I decided to take her and my baby for a walk to air out a little from teh neighborhood. as we went past the park these kids came out yelling at us, throwing stuff at her. I asked the older kids why they're bothering her, go play with kids your own age its not nice to fight with someone younger than you.
we then left them, went on a walk and we met another friends of hers with whom she happily played with while I chatted with the mom and we went home. the bullies were still there so we ate shalosh seudos inside. anyways, she had a great attitude about it but I still feel so hurt for her. I didnt see her doing anything to antaganoze them she wasnt even attempting to play in teh park seh was just biking past, or playing on my lawn (im next door to the playground).

this bullying went on for 4 hours straight. I made sure to protect/distract my kid but as a communal park I couldnt make these bullies leave. im kind of annoyed at the parents that they never even bothered to check on their kids once the entire afternoon. I know I was sitting there the whole time, I was the only adult. I feel stupid calling the parents about it especially the guest who will probably not be around daily. but the fact that seh went and got all my DD's regualr friends to gang up on her really worries me. I wonder how they will play with her from now on, and what was it about her personality that made her a target? after sharing the story with some other parents they said I should have been a little harsher to the group of kids really given them mussar, but I didnt want to turn it into a big deal, that they will targe tmy kid when I'm out of sight. not sure how to act on this.

my DH sayd im overreacting, that my DD isnt so affected by it as I am. but this whole thing really bothered me. I guess im really thinking long term social life in the neighborhood, if she will be that kid that's always picked on. anyone experince this type of bullying? what's the best way to handle it?

wif

Sun, May 31 2009, 5:33 am

I can tell you that as a child that was always picked on (middle child, everyone seemed to sense it, what can you do? Although my mother insists its because they're all jealous of my incredible beauty. Smile

) it can be something that looms large in a child's mind. I was a pretty unhappy kid until I learned how to stand up for myself.

I would not freak about your daughter's experience, though. This could be an isolated event, escpecially since the child doing the tormenting was a guest. I would reassure your daughter that it's them, and not her, and then just keep both eyes wide open for events to repeat themselves--or hopefully, not.

SingALong

Sun, May 31 2009, 8:14 am

thanks wif that was helpful. I did talk to my daughter about how what they are doing is wrong. since they are so much bigger than her I prefer she just avoid them or ignore them. its not like there's a fight going on they see her and act up. I did encourage her to tell me or another adult when something happens.

as for bike riding well all the kids her that age ride bikes on shabbos and yom tov, that is certainly not the issue.

I hope today goes well for her, I will make sure to keep a close eye after yesterday. 2 of the main tormentors though aren't guests, so I really need to see what happens with that.

Tefila

Sun, May 31 2009, 8:23 am

Quote:

my DH sayd im overreacting, that my DD isnt so affected by it as I am. but this whole thing really bothered me. I guess im really thinking long term social life in the neighborhood, if she will be that kid that's always picked on. anyone experince this type of bullying? what's the best way to handle it?

Perhaps but that is not really the point here. It is awful to be bullyed or picked on.

All I can tell u is what I do to help foster good communication and friendships perhaps try and arrange a fun block party for the kids, have your child have playdates at home rather then in a public place. and make it a fun experiance so that her playdate will want to come again and again. I go out of my way when the kids are this young to make their play dates really special. We make cookies have fun with a craft let them play with a special toy etc etc. I also try not to have more then one playdate for each of my kids at a time. As they get older they need less of you and more of thier friends. So now is the best tiem to try to establish friendships.

Last edited by Tefila on Sun, May 31 2009, 8:24 am; edited 1 time in total

Mrs.K

Sun, May 31 2009, 8:31 am

I have no problem calling a child's mother to let them know there's a problem.
I think calling the guest's mother is pointless, but for the others, there's certainly a nice way to talk to someone else about their child.

I would say something like, "My daughter mentioned that she and Shprintzy clashed in the park yesterday. I'm sure it wasn't unprovoked, but maybe you can just mention to Shprintzy that she can play with my Yenty, and if they disagree, she can walk away and play with someone else instead of fighting. I'll mention this to my Yenty as well."

In a case where I've seen someone just be obnoxious to my daughter because they are boys and have some wild behavioral issues, I've said, "My Yenty is terrified of your Chaim. Would you just ask Chaim if he wouldn't mind staying away?"

I've also told kids many times that if they didn't leave my kid alone I'd call their mother. That usually does the trick.

There's nothing offensive about bringing this to the mother's attention in a nice, non-confrontational way.

sugaray

Sun, May 31 2009, 3:22 pm

it is a terrible thing to be bullied and letting it go is a mistake. I would hang around for the next few weeks to watch if it an ongoing thing. (I think kids that age need pretty close supervision anyway.) talk to your dd about how to react when something happens ie, first ignore and stay away, then come to mommy/morah if someone is bothering or hurting you (she is only 4). if all else fails, you can push the other kid out of your face to walk away. if it still doesnt stop (and maybe this isnt right), I would personally go over to that child and put the fear of g-d into him/her. if you mess with my child again...with a mean face. I would never hit that child, no way. that is totally unacceptable around here.
talking to the other mother can be sticky. ppl tend to get defensive and especially if they havent seen anything, not take responsibility. and even if they do, they dont necessarily know how to deal with it anyway. its hard to phrase it so that its really taken care of in the right way.
good luck op!

gryp

Sun, May 31 2009, 3:48 pm

I agree with Clarissa. No parent wants their kids beating up on little kids. Speak to the parents.

(I've done it, btw. And although I didn't expect any real results, I underestimated what would happen. The mother turned around to her child right there and told him firmly that he is not allowed to hit and push, and especially never to a kid younger than him. Not that I seriously thought the kid himself would stop, but my goal was to make the mother aware of the kinds of things her child was doing.)

OP, please stand up for your daughter. She is only 4.5 years old. She has time to learn how to stand up for herself. She needs your protection at this point.

amother

Sun, May 31 2009, 4:26 pm

one of my daughter's friend who is around the same age,hits my daughter HARD.
I hate it,and I hate the response the mother gives.its pretty lukewarm.

she has hit my child and since her hand is already in the air,she waves it to hit my dd again!
she has bitten her,and left teeth marks etc etc.
I understand she has to fight her siblings to continue to play w/certain toys,so its a reaction for her to immediately hit when she wants something my dd has,or just a plain disagreement as most children tend to have.now my dd isn't the most sharing girl,but she doesnt' hit.and to top it off the mother and I are great friends.
the only solution I came up with, was to limit their play time together.and when she is in my house I watch them like a hawk,and when she gets ready to hit my dd,I stop her and tell her NO HITTING!!

SingALong

Sun, May 31 2009, 5:03 pm

yeah I guess I should have been more proactive against these kids. I kind of just kept my DD next to me, safe and happy but not free to run. I did mention to a couple of the mothers (it was a group of 8 kids) I need to tell the others, I know they would be horrified and try to stop but I HATE to be the neighborhood nudge. one of the leaders is a boy 2-3 years older than her but unfortunately slow, socially awkward, very sad. (she has a couple of kids with issues, so sad.) I feel like telling his mom will only give her more agmas nefesh but if he repeats it I will definitely tell her either she should supervise him more or whatever works. as for the others, I think they were just acting along with that guest who was the ringleader, and I doubt it will happen again, but you can bet I will watch very closeley and take action immediately instead of encouraging my kid to ignore, which she did, I'm very proud of her for that, that she didnt fight back.

I also got her the book "stop picking on me". that way I can teach her about bullying wihtout reiterating the park scenario over and over to her.

I planted flowers with her today, to give her a little boost of mommy and me time and doing something special and I see she's in a great mood and out playing with friends. so hopefully this was an isolated incident, but I will still watch these kids.