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WWYD: unwanted dinner guest



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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 6:59 pm
First of all, I know the title of the thread is not exactly accurate, but it is the best I can come up with, so It'll have to do.

We are having a big weekend this weekend. My dad and step-mom are in from Israel and we are making a kiddush for our 1 month old daughter. Shabbos night we are doing dinner at our house and Shabbos lunch at my sisters house.

The people invited to both meals are:

us and DS (3)
Sister/BIL/nephew (3)
Dad and Step-mom (2)
Aunt and Uncle (2)

There could be an additional 4 people at lunch.

Here is the dilemma. I am close to my step-mom. She has a sister who lives here in town, and is lonely, since she is pretty alienated from her husband and son. She is the type of person that it is NOT a pleasure to be around (I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth). Even her own sister (my step-mom) doesnt want to answer the phone when she calls. I have very little to do with her when my step-mom isn't in town, unless we run into each other by coincidence

But, since she will be alone for Shabbos, they want me to invite her to dinner. I already had told her about the kiddush, but not the dinner or lunch. If we invite her to dinner, it will increase the tension (plus I will absolutely need to bring in another table then, since it'll be 9 adults and 2 kids). Also, then she will try to wrangle an invite for lunch at my sisters. I really don't want her there, but Dad and step-mom did ask, and I want to respect them.

WWYD???
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Inspired




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 7:15 pm
I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I don't understand something. You have your location and your kids full names and ages in your post, why wouldn't you at least post this anon? Do you think no one knows your family on here?
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Mirabelle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 7:30 pm
Maybe call your Step-mom to discuss it with her?

I am sure she also would like a nice, drama free Shobbos.

I also think inviting for one meal is fine and you do not need to invite her for all.
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 8:26 pm
Inspired wrote:
I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I don't understand something. You have your location and your kids full names and ages in your post, why wouldn't you at least post this anon? Do you think no one knows your family on here?


Because I live in a small area with only one other local community member on imamother, who is one of my best friends and I'll probably ask her the same thing over the phone anyway.
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 8:27 pm
DiznyIma wrote:
Maybe call your Step-mom to discuss it with her?

I am sure she also would like a nice, drama free Shobbos.

I also think inviting for one meal is fine and you do not need to invite her for all.


Step-mom asked it...not because she wants more time with her sister, more because she feels she has to ask me to be a 'good sister'.

I guess I could invite her for one meal and if she asks to come to the other tell her we won't have room.
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Mirabelle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 8:31 pm
Well you are doing a big kiddush, right?
So maybe she will think that that is the "lunch"?
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 8:43 pm
I think it's sufficient to just come to the kiddush ... tell her to be a good sister and do something sisterly with her on her own time ...
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Mommish




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 8:57 pm
I think you should just invite her. Why not be the bigger person? It doesn't sound like you have to see her often, and difficult people are usually easier to deal with when there's a crowd. I don't think opening another table is a good excuse. If she were a family of 4 or more it might be a different story, but you don't open a table for one extra person-- I'm sure everyone will be more comfortable with the extra elbow room.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 19 2009, 9:08 pm
I think if it will ruin your simcha for you, don't invite her. it is your simcha. your stepmother will probably be fine with it. just tell her nicely that you understand that she wants to be a good sister, but it will make things hard for you.
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louche




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2009, 12:24 am
greenfire wrote:
I think it's sufficient to just come to the kiddush ... tell her to be a good sister and do something sisterly with her on her own time ...


I might have said it less bluntly--or not, depending on my mood--but I agree with green. it's your simcha, not stepmom's, and if she wants to reach out to her relative, she can do so on her own time and her own cheshbon. Not that it wouldn't be admirable of you to invite this woman, but YOU are the hostess here, not your stepmom, no matter how much you love her. You decide who's on the guest list. Inviting step-aunt to the kiddush is technically enough.

Of course there's no telling how many chessed points you might earn in Shamayim by inviting this woman...
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cookielady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2009, 2:25 am
Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:



Here is the dilemma. I am close to my step-mom. She has a sister who lives here in town, and is lonely, since she is pretty alienated from her husband and son. She is the type of person that it is NOT a pleasure to be around (I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth). Even her own sister (my step-mom) doesnt want to answer the phone when she calls. I have very little to do with her when my step-mom isn't in town, unless we run into each other by coincidence

But, since she will be alone for Shabbos, they want me to invite her to dinner. I already had told her about the kiddush, but not the dinner or lunch. If we invite her to dinner, it will increase the tension (plus I will absolutely need to bring in another table then, since it'll be 9 adults and 2 kids). Also, then she will try to wrangle an invite for lunch at my sisters. I really don't want her there, but Dad and step-mom did ask, and I want to respect them.

WWYD???


I just want to say that if someone is really unpleasant and will create a tense atmosphere, the kiddush is enough. We have had a difficult person at some of our simchas and they do truly make it unpleasant for the rest of us. We invited the person because it was the "right" thing to do. If I could it over, I would have not had the person and the whole unpleasantness and tension the person brought to the simcha would not have happened.

It's not a relative who expects to be invited. Enjoy your simcha w/o guilt.
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