How would you handle this school/ rebbe situation?

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2006, 8:26 am

My child has been out of school for several months due to illness.
His Rebbe hasnt picked up the phone to check on him to hear how he's doing, and to let him know he's being missed and thought of.
I'm fuming at him, but don't know how to tell him to be a mentch! We tried talking to him, and advised him to make a big deal when he does attend once in a while , to motivate him to want to come to class on semi-good day. He didnt get the message at all. How would you go about this without involving the principal.

Frustrated.

elisecohen

Wed, Mar 22 2006, 8:48 am

Does your child have a life-threatening illness? If so (cv"sh), ChaiLifeline has educational programs to help educate the school about the child's situation.

If the illness is long but not life-threatening (like a long bout of mono, depression, or intractable asthma), then I'm afraid CL won't help, but still I would be upset too. In my experience, the teachers call if the child is out more than a day or two to wish a refuah shleima. I have seen yeshivish schools hide from situations they want to ignore or imagine don't exist like children suffering from depression or other mental illnesses. It's particularly galling when they then rally behind another child with some more "socially acceptable" diagnosis while your child is ignored or even shunned.

I would bring it up with the administrator straight out, but don't be surprised if he can't handle it. People hide from illness.

Keep an eye out in the next few months; we're trying to launch an international awareness campaign related to acceptance of special needs children in the frum world, the true halachas of bikkur cholim, and the Jewish community's responsibilities towards ill and special needs childrens' social and educational needs.

elisecohen

Wed, Mar 22 2006, 10:20 am

It's sad and frustrating that there are people like this out there, but there are. At the school where my kids first went, the more black hat, yeshivish school in our area, the principal did NOT "get it," and I know of several children who refuse, to the point of tears, to return (boys and girls). One child left due to mental health problems, the school never called him, and when the parents wanted to come in and explain to the other children the nature of the problem so they wouldn't be scared that maybe he was in a hospital dying or something, they were told that they must never tell any other children that their son was suffering from depression. When a child in another town was diagnosed with cancer, though, there were immediately tehillim groups and fundraisers. I'm not saying these shouldn't be there for that out of town child, but they should ALSO have been there for the local family.

It's NOT acceptable, it's NOT according to Jewish thought or halacha, but it's the way many hosheve people in the Jewish world DO think, and it's what we have to change.

elisecohen

Wed, Mar 22 2006, 10:24 am

If you can get your hands on a copy of the book, "Unconventional Wisdom: Torah Perspectives on the Child Who Has Difficulty Learning," by Rabbi Reuven Elkins, and then somehow force that administrator to read it, do it. It's a great book encompassing Chazal, interviews with modern Gedolim, specific issues in chinuch with ill or learning-disabled children, and then sources from Chazal, Rishonim, and Achronim about teaching children in difficult learning situations. It's published by Targum/Feldheim, ISBN 1-56871-129-8. I wish I could make every frum principal and teacher read this book before entering a school.

morningstar

Wed, Mar 22 2006, 11:35 am

Sorry that you are having such a tough time getting the support you need.
One thing to be aware of is that different people want different responses.
Some want to educate the whole class on the nature of the disease; some (believe it or not) prefer to be treated as if people hadn't noticed-- and there are many alternatives between these two extremes; depending on your particular rebbe's biases ( or how he thinks he would want to be treated in your shoes), he may not be "hearing" very well what you want for your son.

it is critical to spell out exactly what you need without assuming that the Rebbe is unkind or unfeeling, though depending on his worldview, it may take some doing to convince him that you know best what is right for your son. I would call in the principal as well-- not to "tell" on the Rebbe, but to set up a meeting to explain what is going on with your child, and how you want the situation handled. If you are dealing with a chronic or long-term condition, it is important that a well-thought out strategy is in place, and everyone is clear on their part in making it happen. You should also consider the degree to which you want other parents/ classmates "educated" as to how to best respond to your child.

I do think Chai Lifeline could help you figure out your needs how best to communicate your needs to the school, even if they don't intervene directly. Remember, they can't read your mind. You won't get what you need from them unless you are willing by being very clear and explicit, and following up as often as necessary.

Wishing strength to you and your family and a refuah shleimah to your son.

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2006, 11:59 am

amother, im sorry about your situation.
im think im getting mixed messages from your post, if you dont mind clarifying.

Quote:

We tried talking to him, and advised him to make a big deal when he does attend once in a while , to motivate him to want to come to class on semi-good day.

is your son not motivated to attend school in addition to the days he has to miss because he's not well?
what is your rule as a parent for allowing him to miss schooldays when he is feeling semi-good?

Quote:

His Rebbe hasnt picked up the phone to check on him to hear how he's doing, and to let him know he's being missed and thought of.

does the Rebbi know that your son is still in his class?
how often is it that your son attends, lets say, on his semi-good days?
does the school have a policy about Rebbis calling sick students after a certain number of days has elapsed that theyre absent from school?

from the flip side, (I know, not the same situation as you describe) a parent once called a teacher I know on a sunday night and was as angry as can be, since he didnt call her son that had been absent from school Friday and that following Sunday.
the teacher himself was pretty annoyed at that.

Quote:

His Rebbe hasnt picked up the phone to check on him to hear how he's doing, and to let him know he's being missed and thought of.

are you absolutely 100% sure about that?
just to give the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he tried and got no answer, it was busy, left a message that accidentally got erased, etc.