Visting parent's grave

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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

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chocolate moose

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 12:43 pm

I toyed with the idea of posting anonymously, but who cares. You know it's me.

My father is gone for 10 years. My mom often goes to his grave and I just don't want to. I don't feel anything towards a grave or a stone.

I dont go to tzaddikim either, so that's not a part of it.

Anyone ?

chaylizi

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 12:53 pm

I won't post anonymously either. My father has been gone for nearly 23 years. I don't feel anything towards the stone either, but I go on his yahrzeit (when I can). I understand that it is an aliyah for the neshamah & that is why I go. Also, when you go to a grave, my understanding is that the neshamah is 'disturbed' & is aware that a relative is there davening. I feel a connection to the neshamah, by asking for it to be a meilitz yosher for myself & my family, my siblings & my mother. I also had to go to 'invite' my father to my wedding. It is a minhag & there is a whole lashon written up in a sefer. It is comforting to me, but I don't have many memories. You may feel differently.

louche

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 1:09 pm

Yeah, so? You won't get any argument from me, CM. I don't much like going to cemeteries altogether, though unfortunately with passing time I'm getting more and more used to it. If you don't feel your df presence at the cemetery, so be it. As he is no longer bound by physical limitations, you can communicate with him anywhere if you're so inclined.

amother

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 3:23 pm

I also hate visiting cemeteries and don't go for my father's a"h yahrtzeit. I feel guilty.

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 3:51 pm

I have never been keen on visiting cemeteries either. I do visit my father's grave for his yahrtzeit, and FIL's also to be fair, so to speak (the two cemeteries are fairly near each other). I do this with my child and it is partly for her education/upbringing. I don't feel any kind of spiritual connection when I'm there, but I know my dad would approve and that helps.

chocolate moose

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 3:57 pm

It's not that I ignore having had a father. I spoke to the rov about it. The important parts of the yortzeit are extra tzedekeh and kaddish. I most certainly do that.

I've told my mom but she doesn't khop it ... heck, she never understood cholov yisroel either, so what do I expect ...

chaylizi

Tue, Mar 09 2010, 5:10 pm

I think I feel differently because I don't really remember my father. His grave is one of the only tangible proofs of him that I have. I don't remember his voice. I don't have memories of his face, just a few pictures. So I go with what I have. People who have actual memories of a parent would feel differently.

Ruchel

Wed, Mar 10 2010, 6:02 am

In some minhagim women don't even enter the cemetery...

mommy#1

Wed, Mar 10 2010, 8:08 am

I love going to my fathers kever. He was niftar when I was 10, 12 years ago, so I remember him, but not so well. It's my time that I feel I'm the closest I can be to him since he was niftar, when I daven and ask him to beseech Hashem on my behalf, or I ask Hashem to grant me whatever it is I want in the zechus of my father. Granted, I can do that from my house, but I feel much different doing it from his kever.

amother

Wed, Mar 10 2010, 8:28 am

I go to my father's kever whenever I can, which is a couple of times a year as he is buried overseas. I try to go on the yarzheit. I wou;dn't dream of not going if I'm in town to see my mother. I do feel something when I;m there but I can;t really say what it is. It's a strange feeling like I feel better for going. I always have it on my head & I can't relax until I've gone. If he was buried in the town where I live I don't know how often I woukld go. I think it depends on the person. If I had a levaya I would certainly go visit his grave, just like I'd go visit my mom (tzlang yur) if I went to her town for something, like work or a simcha.

exhausted

Wed, Mar 10 2010, 8:39 am

I find this thread very interesting. B"H I have both my parents, but I go to my MIL who passed away nearly 5 years ago. We were very close and every time I go there, I feel a very strong connection which I dont feel otherwise, and I feel that she is listening and being Meilitz Yoisher for her family.

Merrymom

Tue, Mar 16 2010, 12:32 am

It's in kabbala that women of child bearing age should not enter a cemetary at all. My DH goes on my behalf.

chocolate moose

Tue, Mar 16 2010, 10:51 am

Your dh obviously agreed to go. Not everyone's husband is so ... involved.

louche

Tue, Mar 16 2010, 1:43 pm

cm wrote:

I go to cemeteries only for funerals and unveilings, so far. What the future holds, I can't say. As several relatives are buried in one cemetery, I take the opportunity to visit their graves if I'm already there. It does make me feel good, not because I think the neshamas are hanging around the premises, but because I figure the neshamas know I was there and paid my respects. As if, in a spiritual sense, I was in their neighborhood, dropped by when they weren't home and left a note on their door that I said hello.

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