Why would I want another kid?

gryp

Sun, Nov 21 2010, 9:11 pm

I was going to write Hadasa's d. reason:

Quote:

d. It is overwhelming at times, no denying that, but it does get easier eventually and it's worth it.

In my life, things are always changing. Babies are always growing up BH KAH day by day. Every month is a different experience. The kids get older and smarter every day, and surprise me all the time. Yes, cooking and cleaning, etc., is a constant job but those change too, as we need more food, the kids' cleaning capabilities increase, etc.

As a teen I expected mothering to be boring. It's the exact opposite. My kids are my treasures and I know that in the end all my hard work will have paid off. IYH.

amother

Sun, Nov 21 2010, 9:26 pm

I second getting that check-up... post partum depression is more common than you may think. There's no shame in it, it's a biochemical change after birth, happens to many....

if you feel lethargic, appetite change, sleep change, sad, can't concentrate, want to harm baby or self... a few of these symptoms for over 2 weeks warrants a talk with your dr. and needs to be dealt with by a mental health professional, one that you're comfortable with of course.

There's relief- mental health referrals and there's shuki berman (refuah resources)- he may know psychologist/psychiatrists as well.

Take your time with having more kids, if you're not ready for them... they aren't ready for u..... I know this myself too. You are not alone... we are so in it together and im glad someone took the initiative to speak out.... feel free to ask me for more info

Inspired

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 1:28 am

GR wrote:

I was going to write Hadasa's d. reason:

Quote:

d. It is overwhelming at times, no denying that, but it does get easier eventually and it's worth it.

Well said!

Inspired

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 1:41 am

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

FYI, I have a really hard time with the young infant stage, and I'm terrified of the teenage stage (although I'm not there yet). Personally, I like the toddler stage. Everyone is different.

I also dreaded the teenage stage but I have to say, it is SO COOL that this small person that I raised is a big persona and mature and has opinions and understands the world. It is an amazing feeling to have real conversations and just marvel at the development. I am really enjoying the teen and preteen stage. I didn't think I would. KAH.
So far I love newborn to about 6. Then 6 to about 10 I still enjoy but I found it the most difficult by far. I have a young teen though, so the jury is still out, so far I am loving it.
Parenting has been much more challenging in every way and much more rewarding than I ever imagined.

I do enjoy actually putting together puzzles. Not just for the final picture but for each small challenge of each piece and each section and the satisfaction after each small step. I feel the same with parenting. Every time the kids thank me for a meal and tell me how delicious it is. Every time they challenge something I ask of them and we respectfully come to a compromise. Every time together we come up with a solution to a problem. And even when they act completely unacceptably and I don't blow my top I feel satisfiable that I met a challenge.

All in all I find parenting amazingly fun and rewarding and frustrating and challenging and middos and personality building for me.

suomynona

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 1:44 am

I didn't really read the whole thread, but reading the original post, I can see the perfect reason for you to have more kids. They entertain each other! I remember when it was just my oldest and he had no one to play with. It was hard. Now my oldest and my second entertain each other and even my baby gets entertained from them. It's a whole different ball game.

suomynona

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 2:20 am

Just want to add that for a good few years after I had my first, a certain part of me felt that I never fully adjusted to motherhood, and like you said, I wanted my life back.
At some point during the last couple of years that feeling must have disappeared. Now I feel like parenting is completely second nature, and I don't even remember what life was like before.

Like you, I find that 1 1/2 year old stage very hard, but there are many other nice stages. Right now none of my kids are that age, and it's just a lot easier.

Metukah

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 9:37 am

hadasa wrote:

When I was expecting my second, I also had some mixed feelings. First of all, taking care of one child took up twenty-four hours a day, so where would I find another twenty-four hours? Secondly, we felt like a perfectly balanced family. One father, one mother, one child who had a special place in my heart. Would I find love for another one? Was there room for him in our family?
Nevertheless, my husband and I had been educated in the Hashkafah that bringing more Jewish Neshamos down to earth is the greatest accomplishment and contribution a person can make in this world, so, barring serious emotional or medical problems, the idea of BC never entered our minds. So we had another, and another, and a few more, b"h, and we're not done yet.
But what I discovered is : a. You do usually manage with twenty four hours a day and you don't have to multiply that by the number of kids. b. Every child finds his place in the family and in my heart, to the point where I cannot imagine life without every single one of them. c. The joy every single new baby brings to the family is immeasurable, I wouldn't want to deprive any of my kids of that (yes, I understand someone will have to remain the youngest eventually ) d. It is overwhelming at times, no denying that, but it does get easier eventually and it's worth it. e. This is my life. Yes, I miss out on some pleasures in life because I can't always leave my family and its obligations. But twenty years from now, what will have a greater impact, another trip I could have taken, or another human being I brought into the world? f. Although raising my kids is the most important goal in my life, I am not capable of dedicating every waking moment to them. So I have other interests as well. Shlichus, reading, occasional trips with or without dh, imamother... But when there is a conflict, these will always take a back seat to my real purpose in life - raising my kids. And of course, I can always daydream about when I'll finally have an empty nest...

Metukah

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 9:40 am

NewGran wrote:

Having 1 child takes 24 hours, having 5,6,7 children also takes 24 hours.

Once you have children, you and your life are in a different league.

[b]I know a couple that chose not to have children because they are too selfish (their words - not mine). They want to be able to go skiing, sky diving, mountain climbing, water rafting etc. and they say if they die it's not fair to their children so they'd rather not have any.[/b]
But you can't go horse back riding when you are going swimming - one always has to make choices. And choosing to have a family means you have to say no to something else, but that doesn't make it bad. Some days it feels like it's never your turn but one day when they all go to school, grow up, get married etc. you'll wonder what to do.
B"H that's what grandchildren are for Smile

Our neighbours - a brother and a sister, non-jews, both married, never had kids for selfish reasons; couldn't be bothered for them and their career was first etc... now they are retired, old and bored, boy do they both regret it, for selfish reasons again. Some people only do things that they will benefit from; selfishness always comes to slap you back.

gryp

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 10:13 am

Quote:

I do enjoy actually putting together puzzles. Not just for the final picture but for each small challenge of each piece and each section and the satisfaction after each small step. I feel the same with parenting. Every time the kids thank me for a meal and tell me how delicious it is. Every time they challenge something I ask of them and we respectfully come to a compromise. Every time together we come up with a solution to a problem. And even when they act completely unacceptably and I don't blow my top I feel satisfiable that I met a challenge.

All in all I find parenting amazingly fun and rewarding and frustrating and challenging and middos and personality building for me.

I could say the same.
I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I enjoy the challenge and my little successes.

life'sgreat

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 10:15 am

I'm not sure it's 'selfishness'. I think it might be selfless for a couple that knows they can't give a child what the child deserves: love, patience etc... I think there are actually parents who are extremely selfish and that's why they have kids. Because they want to be like everyone else, or because they want the 'cute gap shirts' etc... even though they are aware that they don't even have patience/time/head/heart to give the children what they need and deserve. Some people choose not to have children for selfless reasons, not selfish.

Aylat

Mon, Nov 22 2010, 6:39 pm

Few things I'd like to contribute..

1) I was never a "mummy" type, and my first two kids (who I adore b'H) I really had not bec I was desperate and 'wanted a child' but more because I was trying to do ratzon Hashem. Pru u'revu is a mitzvah, didn't have heter for bc, so if Hashem wanted me to be pregnant and have a child, I would accept it as what Hashem wanted for me, even if I wouldn't have chosen it myself. I think some ppl might be shocked by this, but I don't think it's a bad thing, or that it has meant that I'm a bad mother to my kids. I think we all have mitzvot that we identify with and love, whether it's having a child/keeping shabbat/giving tzedaka as well as mitzvot that we don't enjoy but do bec Hashem said (read some of the threads about how many ppl don't enjoy TH).

2) When my 2nd was about 6months, we stayed with a family for shabbat. They had 5/6 kids ranging from 8 down, and she was pregnant (and the most amazing calm mother I've ever met!) What I got out of that shabbat was a sense of how the dynamics of a growing and older family can work. It was a revelation and a relief to me - ohhhh, I don't have to change their nappies for the next 20 years! One day they'll actually dress themselves - wooow! Wink

This young age is the most demanding physically, it's hard to maintain persepective on what it will be like.

3) When my daughter was 2+ and my son 1+ I actually was amazed to find out I really wanted to be pregnant, thought I was at one point, and was sooo disappointed when I got my period! As my kids got older I appreciated the amazing miracle of their unique developing personalities, I loved watching them learn and grow and helping them on the way, and I just wanted more and more of that. It's an incredible privilege and responsibility bringing my kids up to be responsible, mature, spiritual adults (b'H).

I'd also like to thank the other posters on this thread who've given inspiring reminders of kids and parenting!