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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
When one child is so difficult to love



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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 3:29 pm
I like to think I am a good, loving mother. I have several children. One of them just doesn't seem so cute to me. He has sensory issues, is very big for his age, and has brown eyes while my other kids have gorgeous blue eyes. He's always been a difficult child due to his sensory issues and his stubborness. Is it strange that I don't enjoy hugging and kissing him as much as I do my other children? Does that make me a bad mother?
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life'sgreat




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 4:52 pm
I think some kids are more lovable than others. What I find sad is that his eye color can make a difference in how you view him.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 4:57 pm
life'sgreat wrote:
I think some kids are more lovable than others. What I find sad is that his eye color can make a difference in how you view him.


I agree on both counts.
You need therapy. Many, many parents of special needs kids are in the same situation as you. It's not easy to love some children, especially those who are aggressive or even violent to ohter family members. But the situation will only get worse if you don't address it. The child will understand you don't love him and act even worse.
99% of therapists aren't that great. Search and search until you find the rare wonderful therapist who can open your heart to your own child.
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shlomitsmum




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 5:15 pm
amother wrote:
life'sgreat wrote:
I think some kids are more lovable than others. What I find sad is that his eye color can make a difference in how you view him.


I agree on both counts.
You need therapy. Many, many parents of special needs kids are in the same situation as you. It's not easy to love some children, especially those who are aggressive or even violent to ohter family members. But the situation will only get worse if you don't address it. The child will understand you don't love him and act even worse.
99% of therapists aren't that great. Search and search until you find the rare wonderful therapist who can open your heart to your own child.


Please go get help ....A child will sense your emotional distance and suffer ! Hashem created your child just the way he/she is .... honestly the blue eye thing shock sounds a bit bizzare to me comming from a non aryan supremacist (where does the idea come from in your case ?) , so please listen to posters who are asking you to seek help .

It hurts terribly to feel singled out and loved less by your mum Sad only time and really hard work helps survivors of this (neclect) lead normal emotional lives and stop wondering what is wrong with them that mommy "couldn't " love them as they are.

brown eyed mum of 2 blue eyed and one yummy chocolate chip toned eyed child
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Aribenj




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 9:02 pm
I think I understand what youre saying...
Sometimes I find it difficult to like my 3 year old DS (not love. of course I love him, and I suspect you love yours as well. But we dont have to like our kids all the time.)

In my case, whenever I dont want to be near him (ie. when he throws a big toy at my face, pushes my 18month old off the bed, keeps ignoring me etc.) I just go to another room, take a deep breath and try to get over it. Somehow. And then I try to think of the times he smiles at me, the funny thhings he says, the way he hugs me. And if all else fails, I think of how much he loves me and how much he needs me to be a loving mother to him.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 9:46 pm
Perhaps I didn't explain myself well enough. I love all of my children. I never feel a desire to get away from ds. I enjoy cuddling with him. I just don't feel these urges to hug him tightly and eat him up the way I do with my other kids. When I notice that he's in the room seeing me hug the other kids, I make a point of hugging him too- and I try to enjoy it as much as I enjoy hugging my other kids. I never dislike hugging him, though.

I have nothing against his brown eyes. It's just that the other kids look at me with their sparkling blue eyes that I love so much and that adds to my desire to give them a big hug and kiss. The brown eyes just aren't as delicious in my opinion.
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shlomitsmum




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 9:49 pm
Aribenj wrote:
I think I understand what youre saying...
Sometimes I find it difficult to like my 3 year old DS (not love. of course I love him, and I suspect you love yours as well. But we dont have to like our kids all the time.)

In my case, whenever I dont want to be near him (ie. when he throws a big toy at my face, pushes my 18month old off the bed, keeps ignoring me etc.) I just go to another room, take a deep breath and try to get over it. Somehow. And then I try to think of the times he smiles at me, the funny thhings he says, the way he hugs me. And if all else fails, I think of how much he loves me and how much he needs me to be a loving mother to him.


You are an amazing mum!! Very Happy

And because of your emotional maturity to separate the behaviour from the child you stand an excellent chance that he will grow out of it and turn into a wonderful little guy ,once he develops better tools to express emotions verbally without "acting out" his frustrations . then he will become a pre-teen with smelly socks who does not like hugs and kisses anymore LOL
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Liba




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:06 pm
I have one child who I have a harder time feeling positive about. B"H she is a smart and wonderful kid, but she has sensory issues and is social awkward.

With my other kids the 80/20 rule of positive to "negative" interactions is easy. With this one child I have to do it consciously.

She needs longer and more frequent hugs because of her sensory issues and I know that and sometimes feel touched out over it, but I don't let her know that.

She also soils and ruins her clothing faster, is extremely picky about clothing, seams, things feeling right, that she is next to impossible to dress up or dress at all. It can be very frustrating because even when we shop and buy clothing she often decides after she wears it once or twice that it is scratchy, or itchy or she doesn't like it.

I do everything in my power to make our interactions pleasant and loving, even when I feel done and frustrated. It isn't as natural with her, but that just makes it that much more important.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:16 pm
I have a 7 year old who had delayed speech was at first diagnosed with PDD, but later it was decided he probably didn't have it but just had..well..delayed speech. He was moved up a grade and does very well academically b'h but is having some issues, caused by family dynamics and bullying at school.

I have always found his problems overwhelming. He doesn't, I do. I understand the OP...I love all my kids' eyecolor, but I'm less "I could eat him up" with the oldest, not just because of his age...He is very stubborn and I get upset that the younger ones follow his example. For instance, tonight I took him out for pizza, and he got upset because I didn't also buy him a toy (and money is tight!) He is quite critical and nothing I do for him is ever enough...the list goes on.

I've resolved that every day, I'm going to sit with him for a few minutes. It is hard to get the little ones away to talk to him, but maybe just give him extra attention when the others are around. It is so easy to be hard on the eldest children and expect so much of them, especially when we are told they are "exceptionally bright." When one excels in one area, there are likely to be deficiencies in others.

So OP, I hear you. I think we as mothers, though put too high a premium on cuteness. Babyhood passes, but the real work, the real emotional work is when they need us to listen. I'm a stronger baby mommy than I am a kid mommy (eat em up and hug em up..that's easy...but listening..sometimes, I don't feel I have the koach, but that is perhaps when they need me the most).

I also heard this At the moment you least want to hug your kid is probably the moment he needs your hug (or your ear..or your attention...I have a boy who is beginning to think hugs are a bit babyish) the most.
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:28 pm
I think you are completely normal op. It doesn't make it less painful though. If you didn't love your son it wouldn't bother you in the least that you don't feel that same urge to squeeze him and eat him up so to say. It's because you do love him, and want everything for him, that it hurts you.

Every child triggers something else inside of us. For you it's the blue vs. brown eyes, for another it's the quickness of wit, and another it's a calm demeanor.

I also have one child who is talented, beautiful and quite a star....but somehow she could get on my nerves faster than my other kids. I am aware of this and work on it all the time. It hurts me though....because she can sense when I get uptight with her and I hate that.

No one said we would be perfect mothers. But if we are kind, compassionate and aware we do stand a good chance of being, "good enough". Of giving our kids enough good in their life so they can take that, and grow from there.

Also if your husband has more positive feelings to this child encourage them to spend a lot of time together, to read stories together and have fun etc. Say nice things that happened that day with him to your husband to encourage the positive outlook on him. And also spend two to five minutes a day, forcing your mind to only think of his positive attributes. No buts or what if's at that time. That can help a lot. Also set aside time alone with this child, five minutes a day, and really zero in on him....that way you can build your own relationship with him unique to his personality.

Good luck. You sound like a wonderful person and a great mom.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:42 pm
I tell you from experience...being the child no one wanted to hug, because I was bigger, chubby, had clunky glasses and crooked teeth, dark eyes, had hairy legs early etc. I was just not "cute"

the love you don't get as a child you make up for the rest of your life!

I also have a son with pdd and who can be very annoying, now that he's a teen I'll tell you when I look at the photos of when he was a 4, 5, 6, 7 year old, I think " why didn't I just hug him and kiss him and love him so much when he was little?!"

My advice before you run to therapy: Do the things you would normally do for a child of this age. Hugs kisses snuggles read to him...make extra time to enjoy him, Do it now, even if you don't feel it and you will come to feel it. One thing I did was to go look at him when he was sleeping, he wasn't annoying then. Then I could try to get strong feelings of my love for him. Look at life from his point of view, he just desperately wants a mommy to love him., even if he doesn't always show it like other kids would.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 11 2011, 1:18 am
It sounds like you are making the effort to compensate. I find that at differen times, different kids rub me or my dh the wrong way in general. Don't let it rule our behavior.

I want to point something out. You seem to be reacting to your child's not taking to you, as you put it. Then you reject him to some degree, which could lead to more rejection on his part, etc. So break the cycle, as you seem to be trying to.

The idea of therapy is new to me for this. How would it make you like your child more? In general you like your children, so you don't have a particular problem with mothering. The reasons we are attracted or not in different ways to different people are complex.

I tell my kids that I love them all differently, because they are all different people.
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sunset




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 17 2011, 2:33 pm
this thread is so helpful to me. thank you everyone who contributed. especially aribenj and sneakermom.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Feb 08 2011, 11:36 pm
I have a child that I thought I would never be able to love him the way I do my others Sad I spent a lot of time coming up with things that I liked about him. In the beginning it was difficult. Now, years later from that point, it's less difficult. One of the things I did was reframe - I took his negative traits and spun them into positive - ex. bossy - a great leader - it really did work and it got to the point that I usually reframe when I'm thinking about him. He's tough to love too - since I would want to rub his back like I do his siblings and he'd push me away (hmm, got more than one child like this) - turned out he needed and craved deep pressure - a deep massage and he's happy - a light kiss on the forehead - forget it. He's a teenager now and much taller and heavier than I am - he begs me to stand - STAND on his back - he craves that pressure. Anyway, I digress.
Reframing works wonders. I feel for you - I've been there and it's rotten.

I'm posting anonymously since I wouldn't want him to ever, ever come across what I wrote about him. I'd happily sign my name otherwise.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Feb 09 2011, 12:07 am
I want to add one more thing to some of the wonderful ideas that have already been shared.
I don't think your issue is that big. I think that because of his sensory issues, he is just physically not so easy to cuddle with. Can that be?
Like when someone is warm and cuddly then you feel like hugging them more. However if his hugs are too tight/soft that may annoy and may be what's making you feel this distance.
I think if you are aware that that's the issue (if that's what it is) then your halfway there. Good luck!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Feb 09 2011, 2:26 am
OP I feel almost the same as you. It's not easy.But as everyone else says, you just need to find ways to connect with him alone, and just go trough the motions hugging and snuggling with him as much as possible. It would be terrible if he sensed that you didn't feel the same way about him as you do his siblings.

One of my kids was very not tactile and so hugging him just wasn't as nice as hugging the others. I realized then that I had to teach him how to hug. It just didnt come naturally to him. so I'd say, put your arms around me a squeeze! and now he's much more affectionate, and it's much easier to show him affection because of that.

good luck op. you'll get there as you care so much and are aware of the issue.
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