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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Gifted/Defiant



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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 06 2011, 12:00 pm
Hi. I ned some parenting advice. My oldest daughter, 8, is very bright, and very very very defiant, angry and resistant to overcoming her emotional state.

She has problems in school talking back to the teachers. She refuses to do the class work and tests, the teacher has to ask her repeatedly to do what the other kids are doing. Then my daughter scribbles answers for five minutes, and when the teacher asks if she double-checked her tests/homework before handing it in, she will tell the teacher "Lo ba Li" or something else not nice at all. She always gets 100%. I've gotten three calls about her attitude with the teachers, though they all remark that she does not have any social problems with the other girls, thank goodness.

Despite this, the letter for the "gifted" program came, and my daughter needs to report to the test center later this month.

This is how she is at home as well. If her little sisters have a moment to shine, she gets sullen. If one too many people get their way (meaning she isn't getting her way at least 90% of the time), she gets into such a sullen state, that devolves into screaming. She is currently in time-out, and she has been screaming for the past hour. We try to talk to her calmly, telling her we love her and want to hear her, and she just keeps it up the same arguments ("It's not fair that etc.", "Why am I always getting yelled at," etc.) We try punishing, and she doesn't learn lessons, she just screams through them.

Both my husband and I were exactly like this as kids. A number of people in our family are like this, and some came out ok, and others turned into extremly manipulative people. I'm scared. I don't know how to parent her, support her and love her. We do have positive moments, but I feel like I can't say that the positive is balancing out the screaming at this point.

Any advice?
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 07 2011, 11:19 pm
I have a daughter who is very similar, and I was like this as a kid. We thought there was something mentally wrong with her, so we took her to a psychiatrist. He said this is one way ADD shows in a very bright child. Within a week of starting her on ADD meds, we had a different child. She is not perfect, and we are now starting counseling for her to deal with her behavior issues, but now we have someone to deal with. Before, counseling would have done nothing bec. she would not have cooperated. Now she is excited and much happier with herself.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 07 2011, 11:39 pm
Hi,

I'm really suprised to hear that about ADD - do you know of any books or articles that talk about that link? My child can definitely focus, it's almost like she's hyper focused on things, can't let go of them. And I hate the idea of medication at this moment, I want to make sure we've exhausted all other options...
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 07 2011, 11:53 pm
New Amother here,
My daughter has been diagnosed ADHD. Very similar behavior. My doc says that these kids are either all over the place and can't concentrate and focus or they become hyper focused to the extent they shut out the world. I also want to avoid meds. I changed her diet, limit sugar, no wheat or food coloring and see a big difference. I also give her Vitamin C and OMEGAs which also help.
Hope that helps - good luck!!
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 08 2011, 1:35 am
please don't jump to the ADHD conclusion, not every behavior issue is ADHD... Is she often irritable or generally ok?

What kind of punishments have you used when she has a tantrum? How calmly do you give them? How consistent are you?

If my kid was in a time out and screaming for that long, I would casually add on a punishment for hurting my ears. Something that is worth a lot, like any screen time for the day, etc.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Feb 08 2011, 7:36 am
I'm the first amother. We did not "jump" onto ADD. We came to the psychiatrist out of desparation after several years of my daughter being miserable and getting worse and worse. She was totally out of control. Her tantrums were frequent and violent and she was unable to control them. It was not a question of more punishment, that had no effect. She really could not control them. Where she was always the class leader and very popular, she was starting to lose friends and get into serious trouble in school because she would just lose control.

ADD and ADHD are different. My daughter did not have hyperactivity at all. She just had an inability to focus herself to the degree that she could not "get it together" to react normally. She was very impulsive and would just do whatever she thought without thinking about what would happen. they psychiatrist met with us and her and spoke to her teachers and principles as well before making a diagnosis.

I also do not like medication and tried other things first. But the difference in my daughter within hours of starting medication was so drastic that I am kicking myself for not starting sooner. The medication is not the only answer and now we have a long road ahead of us with therapy. I hope that after therapy she can stop the medication. But I am so happy that we have the medication to help her now.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 08 2011, 8:18 am
If you have a diagnosis, amother, I guess I wasn't directing my comments to you.

Would be pretty foolish of me to suggest that a person's diagnosis is wrong, without ever having met them, no?

I am just saying if OP's kid is not showing any ADD signs, notably lack of focusing, no reason to rush to the psych. just yet.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 08 2011, 8:30 am
I don't see tghis as ADD. I see it as typical frustration that gifted children can express. She may not see a point to the excercises the teacher makes the kids do, and is eager to learn what interests her - fast, and when she is in the mood.

The screaming for attention may be due to her feeling that her entire self worth is about her being bright. You can work on showing her what is valuable in various parts of her middos and persnality.

I have a child with ADHD and LD, and I have kids who might be diagnosed as gifted. I see a big difference. But of course, there can be something I don't know.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Feb 08 2011, 10:40 pm
marina wrote:
If you have a diagnosis, amother, I guess I wasn't directing my comments to you.

Would be pretty foolish of me to suggest that a person's diagnosis is wrong, without ever having met them, no?

I am just saying if OP's kid is not showing any ADD signs, notably lack of focusing, no reason to rush to the psych. just yet.


This was my point. I did not see any focusing or ADD issues with my daughter, but the psychiatrist picked up on it. I think it is worth evaluating for in a bright child with behavior issues
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 08 2011, 10:43 pm
I also have experience with gifted-defiant-ADHD children. Check it out.
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allgood




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 09 2011, 7:24 pm
I love the book the explosive child. maybe it would help.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Feb 10 2011, 5:35 am
Hi. I started the thread, and I appreciate the comments people are making about ADD - it's something I hadn't even thought of. I just assumed that ADD was an inability to focus, rather than hyper focusing. I also know this is a common problem gifted kids can go through, and I already have my qualms about the label "gifted" rather than adding another label of "ADD." On the other hand, I do want to make sure that I'm giving the proper support.

IsraMom8 - I think she is making her self-worth about not only being bright, but being the best, and when she has to share the glory a bit, she gets angry. I think the emphasis on middos is a great idea, and I want to make a middos chart for her.

My daughter really is wonderful most of the time - it's when she has these fits that I don't know what to do, and feel like everything I've done until then is worthless. Sad She does love her sisters and us, and is great with other her own age, and to a large extent even the adults. But when she's mad - look out.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Feb 24 2011, 12:30 am
to the person that saw a total change with their daughter on ADD meds. did she have any side effects? which meds are u using?
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chanchy123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 24 2011, 12:38 am
amother wrote:
Hi,

I'm really suprised to hear that about ADD - do you know of any books or articles that talk about that link? My child can definitely focus, it's almost like she's hyper focused on things, can't let go of them. And I hate the idea of medication at this moment, I want to make sure we've exhausted all other options...

My DD is only 5.5 but has a similar behavior pattern (not that bad and it manifests in a different way). Anyhow, she has been diagnosed as borderline ADD and since she isn't in school yet (I mean real school) we don't know if it is or isn't ADD. She is also hyperfocused and gifted.
It's worth giving it a shot. If you are in Israel take her to your family doctor and ask her/him for advice.
If she is still under 8 you will receive free treatment from the kupa, I'm not sure what the process is for over 8 year olds but your school yoetzet should know.
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tikva18




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 24 2011, 12:39 am
You can always talk to me about dietary changes - btdt - with my kids. We also supplement heavily.
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