Constant fighting | Imamother

amother

Wed, Mar 16 2011, 1:07 am

My kids have been at each others throats lately I'm beginning to lose it. Dd age 4 is driving dd age 6 bananas and throwing tantrums. Dd age 6 speaks nasty to her, and acts really bossy. The result is constant battling.

I've tried:
Distracting them with stories
Separating them into diff rooms
Giving prizes for getting along
Punishing for fighting

Nothing works long term whatever I do 5 minutes later they're back in business. What else can I do?

granolamom

Wed, Mar 16 2011, 11:23 am

disclaimer: I have lots of experience with kids fighting, meaning, my kids fight alot! so dont know if my advice is worth anything but here goes...

first, its normal, so dont worry that they are not normal kids or that you are not a good parent. I know you want to stop it, and you should address it, but recognize it as normal behavior.

next, accept that no matter what you do, you cannot change another person, nor control their behavior. this includes your children. so while you want to try to help them learn to get along better, its not all in your control. and as they grow, it will change and hopefully pass (not saying to ignore it, but accept that you may have to ignore *some of it*)

now, instead of calling the problem 'kids are fighting' why not try naming two problems '4 yo is irritating her sister/tantruming' and '6 yo is bossy to her sister'
maybe you can try to teach 4 yo better ways (ie verbal adn body language) for communicating her needs to her sister or let her know that if she wants something from sister she can ask you to help her approach sister, things like that.
and maybe you can start to help 6 yo learn better ways to have her needs met vis a vis her little sister.
I think its a very common sibling dynamic, younger sibs can be very annoying and older ones bossy. the family is where we learn to work with personality types, its our social learning lab. these are the challenges they have right now and they are opportunities to learn some valuable life skills.
your kids are still young, so keep that in mind, it wont happen overnight, its a process. I think that more important than rewarding good behavior or distraction, is the learning process that goes along with it (though rewards and distractions are good ideas also and do have their place)

just my $.02