When you "can't" ask the rov ...

Isramom8

Mon, May 02 2011, 5:34 pm

busydev wrote:

we have one in town rav for nidda shailos and anything that we we need an in town rav for.

we ask just about everything else to dh's (oot) rebbi. mostly we ask him aitzos and hashkafa- but we do ask him halacha to. and he doesnt like paskening so usually he discusses the whole concept with dh and tells him what seems to be the best way to go in order to follow the halacha- not a straight do or dont (tho we follow him as if it were do or dont LOL

)

If its not a straight halacha question- but rather advice- then you can def "shop" till you find someone that gives you advice that works for you. Only when a rav paskens for YOU that xyz is assur and abc is mutar can you not ask someone else.

You can go back to the rav you asked and say that you are uncomfortable with the psak - can he pasken differently, or give permission to go to a different rav? And that's a corutesy. Yup, I was told this by a chashuva rebbetzin.

saraleah2010

Tue, May 03 2011, 12:01 pm

Questions like this really crack me up... I understand that it's a legitimate question, and involves sensitive issues that the OP feels conflicted about... but if you ask your ROV--"hey, if I disagree with you, can I ask someone else?" Imagine, what is he going to say?

First, you are telling him you want a specific answer, not the right answer.
Next, you are telling him he got to the "wrong" answer "for you".
Finally, you are implying that he could have gotten there halachically, but didn't, so you think someone else could give a "better ruling"...

I can see having a different rov for specific specialized areas (and agree with other posters that for niddah questions, it is legitimate to consult a specialist, not just your general rov). However, for most day to day questions, I would say consult your trusted advisor. Only go beyond if the trust in the relationship has somehow deteriorated (in which case you should move along, anyway).

overthehill

Tue, May 03 2011, 12:09 pm

saraleah2010 wrote:

Questions like this really crack me up... I understand that it's a legitimate question, and involves sensitive issues that the OP feels conflicted about...
but if you ask your ROV--"hey, if I disagree with you, can I ask someone else?" Imagine, what is he going to say?First, you are telling him you want a specific answer, not the right answer.
Next, you are telling him he got to the "wrong" answer "for you".
Finally, you are implying that he could have gotten there halachically, but didn't, so you think someone else could give a "better ruling"...

I can see having a different rov for specific specialized areas (and agree with other posters that for niddah questions, it is legitimate to consult a specialist, not just your general rov). However, for most day to day questions, I would say consult your trusted advisor. Only go beyond if the trust in the relationship has somehow deteriorated (in which case you should move along, anyway).

Here is the thing though.

Our Rav has told DH on numerous occasions, I pasken So and So- and if you disagree with the Psak, I give you Reshus to ask someone else. Sometimes we have asked someone else, sometimes we havent.

ra_mom

Tue, May 03 2011, 12:36 pm

melbee wrote:

I recently asked a Rav this very question, and he advised me that when asking something that you're not sure you're prepared to hear the answer to, you can preface it by saying "I don't want a psak on this" and explain where you're coming from in the situation. This can also impress upon the Rav how seriously you take the issue, and he will take that into consideration when answering. Depending on the Rav, he may then advise you to "rav shop" if he feels uncomfortable giving you advice on something he considers assur (but may not be). Hopefully he will find a way to help you in finding the best answer possible to the issue.

Chavelamomela wrote:

When you talk with the Rabbi, you can consult with him, ask for his advice, but not for a psak. You can explain your situation without asking a clear-cut shayla.

I agree with melbee and Chavalamomela.

amother

Tue, May 03 2011, 2:02 pm

For example, having gotten reshus from a big Posek to use any (approved) method of BC after #6, for as long as I felt I needed it, I did have another few. But, at 40 or so, I felt conflicted...building klal yisroel & all the other nice hashkofos we learn etc vs. my own, not overly serious, health challenges, as well as whether I could cope with a possibly special needs child.

I called a Rov whom our family is close to, and is easy to talk to. He is not the one we necessarily call for most of our shaylos (though I really could have called that Rov just as well).

I said, I'd like to have a shmuez regarding 'boerev al tanach yodecha', a posuk from Koheles, quote by the Gemara, IIANM, to say that a man who has many children should still marry another, young wife in his old age, as you don't know which children you will raise most successfully.

(How that gets applied to us aging ladies is another question.) Knowing me, he reassured me that I am really capable of coping with whatever the Aibershter will send me. He did not tell me what to do, I didn't ask him to. I was asking for chizuk to try to be courageous.

(Thinking back now, maybe this took place when I was a couple years younger, and I did go on to have 'the baby', who gives us tremendous nachas.) Well, I wasn't looking for a heter, I had one. I also wasn't looking for anyone to tell me what to do.

But this is a good example of 'asking for advice, guidance, but not a psak'. And bring out the importance of talking to someone who 1. knows you well enough to know all the factors to consider, 2. has the time to talk things over til you feel satisfied 3. is easy to talk to candidly.