Having a hard time forgiving!

amother

Thu, Aug 24 2006, 3:03 pm

Rosh Hashanah is coming up, and I know its a time to forgive other people. Some people really hurt my feelings, ruined my life, caused me a lot of agmas nefesh. Crying

I know that they were just shluchim and hashem had it planned for me. But I am still human and I am having a very hard time forgiving. I want to forgive but there is something deep in my heart which will not allow me to. Please understand that I was terribly hurt ... and the hurt feelings did not heal yet! I cry day and night on what was done to me. What should I do? Any suggestions? Is it a problem on my end if I don't fully forgive?

BrachaVHatzlocha

Thu, Aug 24 2006, 3:41 pm

I once asked a teacher a question like this.
she said -- Hashem is so wonderful and forgives us even though we do so much wrong.
We shoudl emulate Hashem in this way.

Basya

Thu, Aug 24 2006, 3:47 pm

I have always heard that if we try our hardest and forgive those who do not deserve to be forgiven, then Hashem will see and forgive us easily even if we don't deserve to be forgiven. We should try to deal with others with the same feelings that we want Hashem to use when He deals with us.

Good Luck! - I know it is not easy at all. Smile

At least you have a month to work on it.

amother

Thu, Aug 24 2006, 5:01 pm

Thanks everyone for your support, I guess I will try really hard to forgive. I'll keep in mind that Hashem will forgive me and give me a real sweet year that will make me forget all that hurts! Smile

and of course forgive! Wink

SaraG- Woops that wouldn't be an option, cuz the people that hurt me is my ex husband's family and I have no contact with them and don't want to.

I got married this year, was married for 49 days --- Sad

B'H it's all over now! Looking for my TRUE bashert once again!

amother

Thu, Aug 24 2006, 5:08 pm

I once attended a shiur which addressed the topic of what to do if someone embarrasses you publicly. What came out of it was that you should see it as a kaporah and appreciate that at least it was not chas v'sholom something worse - I had been in such a situation embarrassed

and it really helped me to hear that Yes

ahuvah

Thu, Aug 24 2006, 5:14 pm

Why waste your energy on anger. When you forgive, you are free to move on and use all your energy for the present. The past is done. You only have the present and the future. Once you let it go, you willl find peace. Good luck.

amother

Thu, Aug 24 2006, 7:37 pm

Good thing you never knew why a couple would divorce after being married a few weeks.

Every case is different, in my case it was that my ex-husband was bipolar and I was not told before I got married!! He acted funny the first few weeks, and I just ignored it. By five weeks he got a full blown episode and his parents still tryed to cover it up by saying he snapped from marriage! Till I found out from my ex husband himself! Obviously he wasn't totally by himself so he revealed all his past secrets! I married a medicated guy. I tried to continue our marriage but it obviously didn't work. I felt cheated, lied to and oh yes, very very hurt! I B"H got a divorce right away.

BTW, they never thought of apologizing to me, they feel totally justified!!

The reason I am willing to share this so others don't do this mistake and hurt a girl, like I was hurt Crying

Esther01

Thu, Aug 24 2006, 7:45 pm

I'm so sorry to hear your story. it is so sad. I hope Hashem gives you the koach to be able to forgive.
may you only have happiness in the years to come.

momof6

Fri, Aug 25 2006, 7:26 pm

They did something completely wrong! Exploding anger

I understand you being mad. It sounds like you aren't ready to let this go. You are greiving and angry, that's normal. Find a good therapist to help you deal w/ all you've been through. Expecting to forgive them right now is not realistic.

faigie

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 10:37 pm

what happened to you is called fraud.
the family wont apologize, that would be admiting to fraud, and they know it.
you can let go and forgive, becuase there is a g-d in shamayim who knows all sees all and keeps all the cheshbonos. He will take care of the situation for you.
if you want to hook up and get chizuk for your situation, feel free to Im me.......

southernbubby

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 11:25 pm

I once read an article in a secular health magazine written by a non-frum Jewish psychiatrist. She was working in the hospital on Shabbos when a 17 yr old chassidishe girl was brought in with a full blown psychosis. The family pressured the doctors to let her go early so that no one would know she had been in the hospital. She was a kallah and if the chosson's family found out, the engagement would be broken. The doctor writing the article was angry at being part of a deception and angry that a 17yr old would be denied badly needed care in order to lie to the world and appear normal.
If people knew that they would not be able to hide their children's conditions for very long, they might stop this charade. I don't know if you are obligated to forgive someone who has not asked to be forgiven. It might be healthier to let go of the anger and figure that there was some reason why Hashem picked you for this misfortune rather than not moving on with your life.

Esther01

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 12:18 am

I repeated to my dh what happened to you and that it's so hard for you to forgive... he is not a rav, but he said that sometimes halacha says you are not obligated to forgive. for example if someone killed your child CH'V, are you obligated to forgive the murderer?

I don't think your energy should go in to forgiving the family that wronged you so badly, I rather think you should put your energy in healing your wounds and working on going on with your life, IM"H finding your bashert and living happily.
I wish you a lot of Hatzlacha
((((((HUGS))))))

amother

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 1:19 am

I really appreciate the Chizuk everyone is giving me, It means so much to me.

B"H, hashem gave me lots of koach to pull through till now. I know hashem really loves me, and he takes care of me every day of my life. Hashem has his ways and not always do we understand why things happen, they are beyond our understanding and we can not ask any questions. If not for this happening to me, I would've never had such a close connection to hashem. I feel I got a huge spiritual lift!

But, after all I am still human and I have feelings. I am so hurt! There does not pass a night and my pillow should remain dry!! embarrassed

these days my tears flow freely.

Thank you all for your kind words, I see that there are still people out there who care, people that don't hurt!

happyone

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 1:28 am

I'm sorry amother for what you've been through. Hopefully this year will be a better year for you. I heard a great line -- life is to be compared to a car you are driving. You gotta look forward. while driving, your eyes have to be focused on forward, occasionally, you need to glance back. However, if you look back for a minute too long, you crash. Same as with life . You gotta look toward your future. If you'll spend your life looking back at the past - you're bound to crash.
therapy or a good listening ear is very important to help you get through this difficult time.
Hope things get better for you SOON.

amother

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 1:36 am

Amother, I am so sorry for all the hurt you have felt this year. You are truly courageous. I hope you will find your bashert soon. I have heard a number of stories of very short marriages (including one of the man telling his new bride right after they had relations the first time that he just wanted to "try it", but did not want to be married!)

I was in a situation last year where I had to forgive someone who had done something horrific to me. I don't want to go into details here, but it was bad. What the person did caused so many tears and anxiety that I still have even today. However, I forgave her. I knew Hashem would want me to do so.