apologising to your kids?

amother

Sun, Sep 03 2006, 10:19 am

I was brought up from a very young age that parents never apologise to their kids for anything, nor do they thank them for chores done or any kind of help given. We were there to serve our parents."look what we do for you etc. it is your duty to "work" for us in return".
Two examples that have stuck in my mind are: my father telling us a story he had heard about a poor family, where the father gathered his children around the table one day and took out a bag of strawberries. As the kids watched with great anticipation, he ate the whole lot and upon finishing told them they had just learned an important lesson in kibbud ofv v'em. My father thought this story was wonderful.
A second example was my mother bringing mashed potatoes to the table one night for dinner and apologised to us that they were a bit lumpy. My father jumped up blazing at her "don't ever apologise to your children, it goes against chinuch"
I totally disagre this type of upbringing and now am almost the exact opposite. I will always apologise to my kids if I have made any kind of mistake, and I am constantly thanking them for whatever they do for me, whether chopping a salad, setting the table, making me a coffee or even passing me the salt etc.
I sometimes wonder if I am overdoing it out of rebelliousness and maybe I am too extreme the other way , although with my oldest being 16 ka'h I do not find them disrespectful in any way towards me. We have a very normal healthy relationship and very little chutzpa etc.
Does anyone out there have advice on this matter?

Tefila

Sun, Sep 03 2006, 10:32 am

Quote:

totally disagre this type of upbringing and now am almost the exact opposite. I will always apologise to my kids if I have made any kind of mistake, and I am constantly thanking them for whatever they do for me, whether chopping a salad, setting the table, making me a coffee or even passing me the salt etc.
I sometimes wonder if I am overdoing it out of rebelliousness and maybe I am too extreme the other way , although with my oldest being 16 ka'h I do not find them disrespectful in any way towards me. We have a very normal healthy relationship and very little chutzpa etc. Does anyone out there have advice on this matter?

If it aint broken, why fix it....... you seem to be doing fine Smile

And whilst your parents are right as part of a family we all muck in.

Please, Thank-You and sorry's too have a place for even moms and dads Wink

Last edited by Tefila on Sun, Sep 03 2006, 10:42 am; edited 1 time in total

morningstar

Sun, Sep 03 2006, 10:37 am

Well, trends in child rearing change. I remember hearing similar stories from my mother about her upbringing. I notice that your father did not actually eat an entire bag of rare treats while you watched, so while he was trying to impart a value, he was certainly more moderate than the family to whom this happened.

What is more important, I think, is the context in which this happens.
In the context of a loving home, and devoted parents, I think children can respect parents who don't apologize and /serve themselves first/demand respect without any negative effects.

Likewise, in the context of a home where parents maintain authority and are not slaves to their children too afraid to ever make a demand to risk their kids' unhappiness, thanking kids profusely and apologizing for errors will likely also have no negative effects.

Each of these philosophies stresses a particular lesson-- and assuming the parent create the appropriate balance within the family, both these lessons can have their place.

shlomitsmum

Tue, Sep 05 2006, 3:02 pm

If I'm wrong I apologize....No ifs or buts. Smile

I personally feel it teaches my kids that being Honest with yourself and your mistakes can only make you a better person and bring you closer.

I tell my kids we have come to this world to learn!

Only Hashem is perfect...... we have to work on our middot daily

mom23

Tue, Sep 05 2006, 6:22 pm

I believe apologizing to my children when I have made a mistake is wonderful chinuch. I make mistakes and just because I am older than them doesn't mean I am always right. I too grew up in a household where my parents would never admit to doing something wrong, much less apologize for it, so I am very cognizant of not doing that with my children. I think the ripple effect will be more respect for me, not less.

As far as chores go, I always thank them and compliment them on a job well done. I think positive reinforcement goes a long way, and my children have proved me right by many times offering to chores that need to get done without my asking.

I think you're doing a great job as a mom - keep it up!