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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Friends her own age



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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 05 2011, 12:28 pm
DH has a sister who's still in high school. She's extremely academically bright and somewhat more mature than the other kids her age (though IMO not necessarily more emotionally mature). Anyway, she spends Shabbos with us fairly often and has met our friends and she gets along with them. Because she's so smart, she can hold a conversation about politics, literature, etc with people 7-8 years older. Our friends enjoy her company (as do we), but I'm concerned that she doesn't have any friends her own age (or at least within 2-3 years of her age). The only people she can name as friends are young professionals in their mid-20s. She often complains that she can't be friends with the girls in her class because they are too shallow, not so well-read, not interested in the things she's interested in etc, but I don't think she truly has any more in common with the 25 year olds at our Shabbos table. It hit me when one of my friends mentioned that my SIL called her and asked if they could spend the day together- my friend said she found that really odd and why doesn't she have someone from her class to hang with. As she put it "your SIL is great at the Shabbos table, I would happy to be a big sister/mentor if she wants one, but I don't think it's appropriate for me to spend a day with her like a peer." I think my friend may be right, but I'm not sure why. Is it normal for a 17 year old to have NO friends in the 16-18 range and find the need to hang out with people in the 23-26 range? I know as you get older, age matters less, but I feel like when you're a teen, it does matter. How necessary is it for a teenager to have friends her own age? Should I be concerned about my SIL?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 05 2011, 12:40 pm
I don't see the problem. If she wants to hang out with them obviously she feels she has a lot in common. If the person she called doesn't want to see her, it's ok to say no. But if she likes her and the only problem is age... I don't get it. Age is a number. In a few years the SIL will be 20, the person will be 26, no one will bat an eyelash.

My mom was like that, my uncle was like that to a much bigger level (10/15 years older), I was like that often, DH too. Older friends are a great opportunity on many areas. Now, you can also encourage her to join a bookclub or whatever for teens, too!

She shouldn't force herself to hang out with girls she has no link to except a birth year. BTDT.

Not to mention you can spend the day with a mentor! and it's fun and great for the mentor too (BTDT again).
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Kayza




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 05 2011, 12:46 pm
amother wrote:
Is it normal for a 17 year old to have NO friends in the 16-18 range and find the need to hang out with people in the 23-26 range? I know as you get older, age matters less, but I feel like when you're a teen, it does matter. How necessary is it for a teenager to have friends her own age? Should I be concerned about my SIL?


It probably is not normal - but that does NOT make it a problem. Does she get along with the girls in her grade? Does she manage to fit in reasonably well and join in normal class activities?

If the answer is yes, then leave her alone. Trying to force someone to be friends with people based on little more than age is not a sensible thing to do.Of course, in most cases younger people in the same age range do have sufficiently similar tastes, interests etc. to be friends and spend time enjoyably together. But that does not always work for everyone, for a variety of reasons. All you will do by making an issue of it is to make her LESS likely to socialize with her age peers, and you will likely create larger, and more lasting issues.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 05 2011, 12:54 pm
Now, that I remember, I and some of my relatives had "we're all friends" teachers who wanted everyone to be like best buddies. Urgh. It NEVER worked, and was annoying for all involved. If the kid wasn't especially "deep", or ethnic, or intellectual, or religious, or whatever... how long can you discuss make up already? I wasn't interested.

My mom had it worse, as she had certain values and ideas and was not at all tolerant of those who may be interesting but had a "strike" against them like wearing short skirts or make up. LOL. Teens. Let them deal. But if you're worried for a socialization, encourage her to get these older friends.
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Depressed




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 05 2011, 1:19 pm
sounds like me.. I went to brookln college at 16. In hs I was in honors and arirta so when I became frum all the girls my age were too ditzy and shallow.
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