Bar mitvah coming up quickly - he's not ready

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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MaBelleVie

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 12:14 pm

amother wrote:

Let me try to better explain.

Yes the hat and jacket are important to me. However, he has since he was about 4, slowly boxed himself into smaller and smaller spaces. It took a year of building him up to wearing a shirt with a collar for the dress code at school (I think 3rd grade). His Shabbos shirts back then were left unbuttoned at the neckline and bunched down. He has never ridden a bike with a helmet (but I did catch him riding in the alley Sad

without one). He would not rollerblade at school with his classmates because it required a helmet. He does very little to help himself fit in.

I thought if I kept reminding him about the hat and jacket requirement over the past year that it would be like the collared shirt for school dress code. That he'd at the last minute agree (and now he's ok with collared shirts). However, to do this, we have to have them in advance - I can't just magically make a hat and jacket appear on the day of... hence going to the store to try them on.

He has in the past given reports outloud in front of not only his class but all of his classmates' parents and been just fine. Hence me thinking that he could lein and give a small dvar torah. I'm afraid that if I don't push him to do those things, his comfortable space will shrink again. As it is, he won't go to shul at all right now - which is why the rav told us to make our own minyan. Noises and sounds overwhelm him, so we'd keep it relatively small.

I agree about letting him grow into it, but sometimes, perhaps, one needs a little push to see that he is capable. And, fwiw, when he turned 3 he wouldn't wear a yarmulke at all - it took a year of me being hands off to when he finally agreed to put one on.

As a second complication - my dh doesn't believe in him at all. Sad

and is forever putting him down. Which I think makes the situation ever so much worse. I think that if he didn't have that added to things, maybe he would be more agreeable.

And then the next one down, loves everything shul related and I wonder, if he's saddened at all that his little brother is chomping at the bit to be there and he's afraid of it.

Th bolded line jumped out at me. If your son is a candidate for Asperger's, he most likely does not understand the need to fit in. He may crave friendship and interaction, but he probably doesn't see it as a high enough priority to give up on his own comfort for. Or, he truly doesn't understand why some of his choices would make others exclude him.

Is he open to talk therapy? It really seems as though the basis of your struggle here is wanting your son to be accepted and welcomed in society, and not cutting himself off. That is very, very valid. And seeing a psychologist who is experienced in working with kids on the spectrum may help with this goal.

tikva18

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 1:13 pm

Barbara wrote:

I *do* understand, and I *do* sympathize. While people from the outside may consider certain things as superficial, they're really not when you're inside the community.

OTOH, from a purely objective standpoint, a man CAN daven without a hat. And in the long run, if your son cannot handle wearing a hat, it may be preferable for him to understand that, rather than thinking that if he cannot handle a hat, he cannot be frum; pass the bacon cheeseburger, please.

Also, I think its too much to expect him to do a host of things that are difficult for him all at the same time -- wear a jacket, wear a hat, leyn. Let him stay in his comfort zone for all but one thing, and push out a bit on that one thing (leyning). Maybe in the fall, before Rosh HaShana, you can broach the possibility of a hat again.

BTW, my son has processing deficits (auditory processing, probably language processing), and these sorts of tactile aversions are not part of it. (He did have separate sensory issues when he was younger, but he's largely outgrown them, BH.) So while I'm far from an expert, I think there is something else going on, although I've no idea if its Aspergers.

Agreed - processing disorders as separate from the Sensory integration disorders.

A friend gave me a good suggestion which I might try. I'll probably take him back to the hat store after the 9 days so he could try one on again. Or, maybe during the nine days he could practice putting on dh's. He used to wear hats - so this, again, is a shrinking space of comfortableness.

Kayza

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 7:38 pm

tikva18 wrote:

If my dh won't daven without a hat and my older ds won't daven without a hat and our kehila won't daven without a hat - seems to me a hat is pretty important.

More important that Tefillin? So important that he HAS to do this, even if it helps to drive him even more into his box?

Allow me to remind you of a very important principle: If you have to choose, you choose HALACHA, not minhag, no matter how important the minhag.

Quote:

If he doesn't put on a hat now, then he'll have much less desire to ever put one on.

So? He can't be a frum Jew without a hat? On the other hand, without Tefillin, you really DO have a MAJOR problem, no matter which "chug" of frum Jews you ask.

This is not about "guilt", it's about setting priorities.

tikva18

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 7:53 pm

last I looked it was halacha to cover the head twice during davening - once with kippa and once with hat or tallis.

and, hopefully there won't be an issue with tefillin. He knows there's no choice in that one.

tikva18

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 7:54 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

amother wrote:

that could well be. He's in talk therapy once a week... and he sees a psychologist, separate from the one doing talk therapy, once a month.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 8:02 pm

Wow, sounds like you're doing everything you can. Is the current therapist effective? I truly sympathize.

Mommy3.5

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 9:52 pm

tikva18 wrote:

The lining inside the velvet kippah is there to make the kippah a double covering at all times. the hat is actually a triple covering.

tikva18

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 12:32 am

Mommy3.5 wrote:

tikva18 wrote:

The lining inside the velvet kippah is there to make the kippah a double covering at all times. the hat is actually a triple covering.

Thanks! I did not know that. Smile

Kayza

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 1:10 am

tikva18 wrote:

last I looked it was halacha to cover the head twice during davening - once with kippa and once with hat or tallis.

Source?

Quote:

and, hopefully there won't be an issue with tefillin. He knows there's no choice in that one.

Hopefully he understands that. But given what the OP has described, it's likely to be an issue anyway. And, it may take as much work as anyone is able to do to make that happen. So why expend the energy on something else before that is dealt with?

tikva18

Tue, Nov 01 2011, 10:16 am

Update!
His bar mitzvah was this past weekend. He did a fantastic job. We made a small minyan with about 20 men and he leined his haftorah. He did a great job. The best part was how supportive everyone there was. I convinced him to invite a few boys from his former school (he doesn't have a school to attend now Sad

) and he had a great time with them as well. He hung out with them, shmoozed and had a great time.

He did not even flinch when dh put a tallis on his shoulders (no hat or jacket though) for his aliyah. I am so very proud.

Mama Bear

Tue, Nov 01 2011, 10:30 am

BH, that is great!
I'm jumping late into this thread. perhaps you can compromise with him that he wears his hat only for davening and doesnt need to wear it at any other time? Tell him he's doing it for his neshama.

gryp

Tue, Nov 01 2011, 10:45 am

I only saw this now. I'm so glad it all worked out okay. A small minyan is a must for these kids.

Btw, while he's getting used to a hat, he can put another yarmulke on top of the one he wears already to be a double covering.

Does he have any bar-mitzvah'ed friends? Sometimes these kids just need an extra year or two to get used to the idea before conforming. A little peer pressure can either help wonderfully or turn them off completely.

Unfortunately, around the pre-teen and teen stage, these kids can also have their symptoms displayed at a much worse level. Growing up is tough on them. Sad

morah

Tue, Nov 01 2011, 10:55 am

I'm glad it went well. I have a brother with Aspergers and sensory disorder. He is 11, but my mother is already making him prepare for his Bar Mitzvah NOW. He's learning the leining (he's probably only going to do 1 aliyah), and he will start working on his d'var Torah next year. My parents are MO, so no hat/jacket issue, but there is a concern about tefillin. They've already decided to do the Bar Mitzvah in EY so that only immediate family will be there (and no one will get insulted about a limited guest list). My brother is also quite socially immature, but that's an ongoing issue that is always getting worked on. I know it's all water under the bridge now, but in your OP, you said it was 12 weeks till D-Day- which is really not enough time to prepare a child like yours for such a momentous occasion. I don't know what could be left to prepare him for besides his wedding, but for the future, keep in mind that anything big coming up for him might require 6 months or more of preparation.

tikva18

Tue, Nov 01 2011, 2:08 pm

morah wrote:

I posted 12 wks to dday, but we had been doing prep beforehand.

Again, he's wearing tefillin no problem. There is no hat in the picture though. Eventually it will come.

ElTam

Tue, Nov 01 2011, 2:39 pm

I'm so glad it worked out. If he doesn't ever wear a hat, that's okay. It may not be what your kehilla does, but it doesn't make him less of a Jew.

Just went to see the Tiferes DVD presentation from Chofetz Chaim last night and it talked a lot about these issues, that the problems our children have are to help US the parents learn and grow, in patience, in understanding, in savlanus. And about how keeping that kesher of love even when our children don't do what we want or do things how we want is so critical to building and maintaining their neshama. (Does anyone in your community do the Tiferes program. Perhaps you and DH could watch the DVD? It seems like it might be very helpful. There are two presentations, one by a rabbi and one by a rebbetzin. I didn't write down the names...

Rav Shlomo Wolbe zatzal said that without patience, there can be no real relationship. I try to remember that with my own children.

tikva18

Tue, Nov 01 2011, 3:06 pm

ElTam wrote:

Interesting - and I don't know if anyone here does that program; I've kind of missed out on the news lately.

Houseofmen

Sat, Nov 12 2011, 8:43 pm

Did you ever ask the halacha of what a bar mitzvah boy needed to do???

Our Rav basically said that a bar mitzvah boy can put up tefillin up to 6 months before the bar mitzvah. You are only required to have a seudah on his Hebrew Birthday. THAT IS IT. leining/aliyot are all very nice extras- but NOT nec. Please don't push your son to do more than he can...

tikva18

Sat, Nov 12 2011, 9:12 pm

Houseofmen wrote:

Thanks for your reply. Bar mitzvah is over Smile

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