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Will my kids turn out OK if I...
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 10:12 am
staying home with kids is definitely ideal. G-d gave them to you, not the babysitter. therefore ideally you should be with them. however--this doesnt always work out. if it does not work out for you stay home, I do not believe that you are evil and that you are destroying your kids. definitely, a person should do her best to cut down on hours at work, to try to be with the child/ren for as much as she and the finances can handle. but the fact that a woman is not a stay at home mom does not mean that her kids will be messed over and that she is a bad mom. there are many situations in which it is better for the woman to be working, be it part time or full time. For those women on this forum who seem to think that moms working is a horrible sitch, pls explain why so many rabbis are in favor of learning guys and working gals. are we not to trust our rabbis G-d forbid?
I am a working mom with a four month old son and my hubby is learning. I do not plan to work full time forever though. I hope to work part time after this school year ends ( I work in a school) and my hubby will IYH, Beezrat Hashem, be going to work. the reason for that is simply, as I said before- ideally a mom should be with her kids as much as possible. - and I dont want my baby to be in daycare full time if I can help it. but for now, im working full time, and I dont think I am evil or that my baby is getting messed up. next year IYH I hope to reduce my hours at work drastically, because I definitely believe that it is much better to work part time than full time when you have children who could use your TLC. but the current situation is what it is, and I do not deem myself evil or pay attention to those studies that claim that children of working moms are terribly affected.
and would you like to know why I pay no attention to such studies? because I am doing my very best to maintain sholom bayit, to be a good wife, to be a good mom, to be a good employee--I am trying my best--and what more would u like me to do? this is the situation I am in--do I have to hate myself for it? I hope to change the situation as soon as possible, but for now, I firmly believe that im doing my best and G-d will help with the rest. and the fact that I am working full time is not an eclipse of all goodness
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chavamom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 10:21 am
Please note that the studies I posted, one was done on kids who spent 45+ hours a week in daycare, the other showed a relationship between the number of hours spent and behavior problems. More hours = more problems. No one is claiming that you have to be with your kids 24/7 in order for them to be OK.

The OP was specifically saying, "I could have a bunch of kids, but I'd have to put them in daycare to handle it" - NOT she needed the money. I don't think anyone is even implying that she should give up her part-time job. She was asking specifically about going to work full-time IN ORDER TO GET AWAY FROM THE KIDS!
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smily




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 10:22 am
I wonder if what what we are seeing in the frum community today,with its problems with kids could in any way be related to this. I doubt the answer is that simple but something to reflect on.
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 10:33 am
I think this thread has gone off topic, but anyway, about sending kids to daycare, the attitude of the mother I think counts drastically. if the priority of the mother is the shipping off of her kids, her kids will be trememdously negatively affected.
ther is a huge difference between working part-time or full-time, or if the child is in daycare a few hours a week or many hours a day.
not all situatios are the same.

Quote:
And no study has ever addressed the issue of frum kids. We are not just trying to raise kids to the surrounding norm, but trying to inculcate them with deep-rooted values, something I firmly believe no day-care center can do.

for me, thats the clincher.
a day care can teach Alef-Beis but can't teach emunah and bitachon.

Quote:
I always thought that I was going to be a SAHM and then I realized how difficult it is .

I believe most mothers learn how to be a SAHM through experience. it comes naturally to some but I dont think to very many.

of course I would love to go to work. I love teaching and have experience with preschool through 6th grade. I loved watching my students faces and expressions that showed me they were interested in what I was saying or that they understand an issue completely. but when my oldest was born I just couldnt imagine leaving him to go teach others. there was/is so much I had to teach him first, and who would do it if I wasnt around?
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morningstar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 11:37 am
Studies of long-term outcomes only address on part of the decision as to whether one should work or stay at home. Even if there were NO long-term outcomes-- you should also consider the present. Even if a child turned out fine in the end, we would not want the present to be less happy than it could be.

On the other hand, all families have limits. Children are resilient, and provided that they are in a loving, attentive home overall, there are many solutions that can work.

There is no single correct answer for all families-- this is a decision that requires a lot of soul-searching. What could make your afternoons at home feel less stressed? An organized activity that you do together? Scheduling a daily outing to make the time go faster? Running errands together with your child? More music at home? More household help? A babysitter near supper time?

There are lots of people who find the infancy stage very difficult, but children are constantly growing and changing. Don't assume that because you are finding motherhood a struggle now it will always feel this way. I agree with the mothers who report that one child can be harder than a single one, particularly in the infancy stage: when there are more children at home, they do entertain each other so that you are freer and the time goes faster. In addition, you will change as a mother, and that may make parenting young ones more enjoyable for you over time. Many people who feel overwhelmed by infants in their early twenties relish the infancy stage in their thirties.

It is a mistake to ignore your current unhappiness, but also a mistake to think that there are only two options here. Wishing you much Hatzlacha as you travel down the parenting road.
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happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 11:45 am
Quote:
I personally work 2.5 days a week for a few reasons. 1- we need the money and 2- I would go crazy staying home all week long.
I think that some mothers are better mothers if they are not with their child all of the time. Some mothers need their own time and they are not bad people.
I think that if someone can get a 9-2 or 3 job then that is a great option.
I always thought that I was going to be a SAHM and then I realized how difficult it is .


every mother needs her own time. thats why I make sure to have a break when my husband gets home. just like mothers cant stay home all week neithger can babies. thats why most sahmoms that I know try and get out with thier kids as much as possible.

I am not saying working isnt a must for some people, but just because som,ething is hard, doesnt mean its not the best. sometimes making sacrifices for our chilren, and learning how to cope with the challenges that we know are best for them, is a good thing. we can make ourselves as mothers happy if we have the right attitude and find ways to have our own time without leaving the kids with babysitters all the time.
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carrot




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 3:19 pm
GR wrote:

I believe most mothers learn how to be a SAHM through experience. it comes naturally to some but I dont think to very many.

of course I would love to go to work. I love teaching and have experience with preschool through 6th grade. I loved watching my students faces and expressions that showed me they were interested in what I was saying or that they understand an issue completely. but when my oldest was born I just couldnt imagine leaving him to go teach others. there was/is so much I had to teach him first, and who would do it if I wasnt around?


GR, if you what you really love to do is teach young children, the transition to SAHM is probably easier than for someone whose ideal career would be something different. Don't you think?
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 7:13 pm
Quote:
GR, if you what you really love to do is teach young children, the transition to SAHM is probably easier than for someone whose ideal career would be something different. Don't you think?

yes, I have that advantage as well as being lucky enough to have been brought up in a large family so diaper changing, toilet training, tantrums, etc., was no big culture shock to me.
BUT... it is very different when its a 24 hour around the clock job, and I had to learn how to make it work for myself. I had to find things that I enjoyed in it, and it wasnt easy.
Also, I've had this discussion with other SAHMs whose expertise isnt teaching and they didnt have the chance to be around lots of kids when they were growing up, and from their statements I take the stand that I do.
and I admire them immensely because it really is a huge shock for someone who has only one sibling to try and imagine herself with 10 of her own one day, when I just think of that as a normal family size.
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cip




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2006, 9:36 pm
back to original topic:
why don't you stop working alltogether? this way you have mornings to yourself and then more patience when the kids come home.
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healthymama




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2006, 1:22 am
Chavamom, if you leave your kids in a stressful daycare with underqualified and underpaid teachers, it is likely that higher levels of aggression or cortisol or whatever will be found.

At the same time, a child can be loved and taken care of very well by people who are not his or her mother. In the olden days, wealthy families had governesses and poorer families had moms who worked in the factories. I don't think we can blame all the frumkeit problems on working moms.
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 29 2006, 3:23 am
A few thoughts to add:

- I second (third, fourth) the comment that the "entertaining the baby" aspect of parenting gets much easier with more kids. It is absolutely amazing now to watch my four kids (preteen down to toddler) all playing outside together, while I supervise through the window as I sit by my computer!! This is the payoff after the early years of hours of sitting on the floor playing with blocks. (But you know what? I also feel bad that I don't sit on the floor playing with blocks as often with my youngest as I did with my oldest, and I miss having that particular kind of connection.)

- When you are with your kids, force yourself to be IN THE MOMENT and really BE with them. It's OK if you have to be an actress at first and plaster a smile on your face. Just make eye contact and get down on their level. Don't think about all the other things you could or should be doing, or what you will do after they go to sleep. Focus your attention on just experiencing them and really listening to them and observing their amazing development, their personalities, etc. Make it like an anthropological study... maybe keep a baby book to give you things to watch for and appreciate as they happen. (I don't know how old your kids are, bu this gets much more exciting when they are talking and say cute things or pronounce words in a funny way.)

- Maybe find another mother with similar age kids who you can get together with (with the kids) on a regular basis so you can socialize a bit and the kids can play (or "parallel play"). Have some tea and relax; share your stresses with someone who can relate to you.

- There's a parenting book called "Rule Number One: Mom Has Fun" that you might relate to. Its basic philosophy is that grown-ups will never enjoy the same things as kids (not sure if I agree, but that's the author's opinion), which makes parenting stressful. She gives advice on how to have fun and make life with kids meet everyone's needs.

Hatzlacha. I think answer to your situation is the counter-intuitive one: spend MORE time with your children. I don't mean every waking moment -- work part-time if you enjoy it -- but make the time you do spend with your children really count in a conscious way. Don't run away from them. And look forward to the changes that the future will bring.
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