questions for SAHMs

Nomad

Mon, Aug 28 2006, 6:32 pm

show this to dear hubbie:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories.....shtml

Marion

Mon, Aug 28 2006, 7:08 pm

Since I'm the primary earner, I actually give my hubby an allowance. And yes, it works out to around $20 a week (NIS100). But that's discretionary money, and it's usually spent on junk food and Shabbos flowers. He IS a spender, in that he never thinks twice before he opens his wallet (which is good because he remembers to give the ma'aser money out, but bad for a budget), and that's the reason we instituted the allowance. Medicines and clothes, however, come out of the main family budget.

MinnieMa

Tue, Aug 29 2006, 4:17 pm

to the original amother-- you asked abt. how do you keep your children busy int he winter. The best is to make friends wiht someone who has a child similar age. I spent my hwole winter wiht my friend and her baby- it really kept us busy.

melalyse

Tue, Aug 29 2006, 8:27 pm

I would say that if he has a $20 allowance then so should you. If he doesn't then no way. It is up to both of you together to come up with a budget not for him to be making such decisions. Taking away a credit card and a ATM card is rediculous - what if you are stuck?

amother

Tue, Oct 03 2006, 2:41 pm

I didn't read thru every post here but this DH sounds a little unhealthy and controlling? what does he think - that you are his hired maid and these are his "expectations" - keeping the house clean and kids and babysitting and he is "paying" you $20 a week?
a husband and wife are equal and must treat eachother as such. if he has credit cards then so do you (unless you have some kind of disorder where you buy new cars and stuff on credit cards).
where does a guy get it that he can think to talk like that...???
or you can tell him that the house will be clean, but for **anything else** you charge and see how far that takes you!!! (JK)

cip

Tue, Oct 03 2006, 6:06 pm

start charging him for your work. calculate your babysitting hours, all the housework jobs you do, for the supper you make etc. give him the bill at the end of the week. that should be a couple of hundred $$s added to your allowance.

cassandra

Tue, Oct 03 2006, 6:43 pm

I don't mean to negate your feelings, since I would be furious at my husband if he ever said those things to me, but is it possible that your husband is treating you like this because he feels underappreciated for the amount of work he puts in to support the family? If he felt like you understood how hard he works and the stress he is under perhaps he would be more forgiving of you. (I am not saying that you don't appreciate him, I am saying that he may not realize that you do. Yes, he needs an attitude change, but this may come about with honey rather than vinegar.

amother

Tue, Oct 03 2006, 8:32 pm

Honestly, I dont see what's wrong with her husband saying $20 a week. If that's all they can afford then what is the big deal?
Unless you need to pay for transportation all the time, I think that $20 a week for personal reasons is plenty!!! If this doesn't include money for gas, toiletries, and other such things that are necessary, what is the big deal??
Is this $20 etched in stone, or does he mean roughly 20 a week unless something out of the ordinary comes up?

realeez

Tue, Oct 03 2006, 8:43 pm

If you are left with $20 each week w/o credit cards, how are you supposed to get groceries/gas/etc???? I think you and your dh have to work out more than just whether or not your will stay home. This sounds very odd - especially the cutting the cards part!!!!

amother

Tue, Oct 03 2006, 9:07 pm

I recently became a SAHM. I worked full time until I had my first while my husband was still in yeshiva. Then after I had a baby he started working and I cut my hours, and now after I had my second I stopped working all together. It was actually DH who encouraged me to take this step. I was nervous about how we would manage financialy. But he said that is his responsiblity. I don't get an allowance he gives me money when I ask for it and I have credit, debit cards. I know our budget and spend accordingly. If I ever want to make a big purchase I usually ask him beore and he'll sometimes tell me to wait a week or two depending on our money situaton at that time. Maybe you can do something like that.

Good Luck!

amother

Tue, Oct 03 2006, 9:37 pm

im a sahm one thing you have to realize that if you have babies at home its more then a full time job you need to squeeze in dinner and laudry while the baby sleeps or at night. another thing you dontwant to be stranded at home with no money your going to want to take the kids out by them a litlle treat once in while bubble ice pop ect and also its a must for moms to treat themselves to in order to be a good mother and wife. I suggest sit down with your husband an make a budjet see how much gos for bills food and other tings that come up explain to him its not a mattter of splurging its about day to day living . thats life, bh we have what to live for and what to spend our money on. enjoy being a sahm its a challenge and very welll worth it.

mirisimma

Thu, Oct 05 2006, 11:37 am

sheshycoco wrote:

I think all of us telling you our stories, is all very nice, but won't really help you. SPEAK to him when you are calm, and you think he is in a more sensitive mood towards you. Spell it out to him, if you are really sure about stopping work which makes sense), tell him, exactly what you will be doing at home. Tell him how much he'll be saving having you at home, cleaning, cooking, kids and you much happier, work out some kind of a salary you'd have to pay, atleast for part of it, then ask him if he is really being reasonable with the
$20 allowance. It seams to me that he is not normally like this as you do have credit cards now, and he apreciates that you don;t overspend. He obviously thinks you really should work, and is just using it as a threat. Obviously I am guessing, if it going to cause alot of stress on your marriage, I am guessing you would chose to avoid that (although I have no idea of you situation). It seams to me, that he just needs explaining to a bit. It could be he is just used to you working and doing everything else, that anything different, means you aren't doing enough. For me, although I don't know about the other people who posted, my husband is used to me staying at home and only doing a bit of work here and there, aswell as his mother being a stay at home mother. It is all what they are used to. You will have to really discuss this and come to a dicision you are both happy with.
Good luck, and men are sometimes impossible, I am sure you'll ocme to a conclusion soon.

I quoted the whole tihn g bc I agree with every word.

what sturck me most about the original post was the "cutting credit cards up" and "I'm gonna show him this post" why does he need to cut credit cards up if you decide soemthing togeher. wont you come to a conclusion and try hard to comply? why do you need to show him the post, isnt what you say heard? it sounds like you might both feel like youre not being heard. specifically, it sounds like he's defending himself (in a "slightly" offensive way) from being taken advantage of, and he feels like he needs to "enforce it" too. who knows why hes like that, but hes like that. can you help him feel secure enough to communicate confidently and openly, WITHOUT crossing your own boundaries. it doesnt mean you need to slave away to show him youre not taking advantage of him. you just need to tell him lovingly "I want whats best for both of us, I dont want to take advantage of your hard work. but we need to figure out a mutually considerate solution, and lovingly comply" and then present your thoughts/variables on the matter

I think the imp practical point that nobody brought up yet is - what benefit is there to staying home other than financial? MY insight is twofold: if youre at home you can be sure of how your children are treated and what theyre exposed to. I hate to say it, but with that reasoning, some kids are better off with a warm loving patient nanny bearing a tehilim in one hand and a rattle in the other and smile on her face.

so there must be st else. my nanny is amazing with miri and prob gives her more stimulation and attention than I do, and spends more hours with her than I do, since miri was a newborn, but somehow... miri knows Smile

they all know. mommy is mommy and to see mommy connect to you and spend time with you and love you and CHOSE you over another task, it means "I'm important and im worth loving just bc I'm me." that is priceless. (which emph just how imp it is to also chose their environment and what theyre exposed to and what kind of mood youre in etc etc etc.) so much to say about why its imp to sah... but the benefit should not be financial, can you comm that to him?

this is my second post and theyre both sooo long. sorry

Last edited by mirisimma on Thu, Oct 05 2006, 12:56 pm; edited 1 time in total

mirisimma

Thu, Oct 05 2006, 11:45 am

hmmm if I break them up they wont be long, theyll just be MANY responses Smile

also, all this talk about how much there is to do. TEHRE IS SO MUCH oh my. if one mother was replaced "completely" youd need a housekeeper, a chef, a laudry service, a babysitter, a psychologist, a speech therapist an occcupational therapist... shall I continue? older kids" a homework tutor. and the most imprtan thing... the one person who does ALL of this at once, and tries her hardest to keep smiling and calm, and show that even the mundanity of everyday life can be done with simcha. "toras imecha"

not to mention that theyre watching every response you have to your friends and family and your husband... and learning from that. (hopefully good stuff) these are the most important parts of being at home,, these arent financial considerations, and they cant be replaced.

re $20. some people dont even have $20... like I mentioned above, its how its being enforced thats revealing a comm problem. ask yourself why he feels the need to create a concrete rule and enforce it, and what you can do about it.

raizy

Mon, Oct 09 2006, 11:47 pm

first of all I am a wsahm I work from home. we both bring in money. only my hubby work is seasonal. so is his money. but in the end it works out that he make about the same much. but anyways. now that my hubby works from home he sees how much amother does in one day. he helps out way more then ever before.

he sees that a house that was clean at noon will not last till evening. he also sees to that the kids pick up more stuff. he realizes what it takes to clean a house and work at the same time.

also we both have credit debit cards. we are partners in the money and children . if we dont have money at the moment then we just dont spend. we know how much we can use in a week.

melalyse

Tue, Oct 10 2006, 9:33 am

I recently lost my wallet with my credit and ATM cards. Let me tell you, it was torture. I had to ask my husband for money for everything that I needed to buy. If you don't have a credit card and your husband is not around what happens if you realize that you need diapers. I went to the pharmacy to pick up pictures and realized that I didn't have enough cash. I was embarrased after they rang my up and I didn't have money to pay for it. I think that it is smart to mentally have a budget but sometimes things come up and you have to have backup money.

amother

Tue, Oct 10 2006, 2:18 pm

Yeah so we discussed everything & he realized he was just overreacting. I still have my credit cards although I haven't had any need for them. He does all the shopping at night.

The $20 thing still stands but he's also on the same budget now to make it fair. And the good thing is that because he does all the shopping and I haven't had to buy anything yet aside for the random snack for my son, I've even been able to put some money aside.

He's even been helping with the housework here and there. I guess he was just nervous to let me stop working and scared that the house would be flying and we wouldn't have enough money, but b"h that hasn't been the case so he backed off about everything. He agreed that I could have a trial period as a SAHM and it seems to be going well Tongue Out