"Everybody knows best for their child"

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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Motek

Mon, Feb 28 2005, 4:13 pm

that phrase, "everybody knows best for their child" has come up a number of times on this forum

is it really true, though?

if everybody knows best for their own child, does that mean parents never make the wrong decisions regarding their children?

don't you ever see parents handling things wrong?

I'm sure we know we ourselves make mistakes, and others do too, so why do people say "everybody knows best for their child" when it's not so?

Tefila

Mon, Feb 28 2005, 4:17 pm

Ok motek maybe we don't always know whats best. But atleast we have our childs best interest at heart. And maybe need to get an unbiased opinion to know whats truly best Confused

Ozmom

Mon, Feb 28 2005, 5:17 pm

like when people tell you "go with your gut instinct"
what if its wrong? can't it ever be wrong?
but I guess freilich says it right that we have the kids interest at heart and can only do our best and the rest have bitachon in Hashem.
We have to acknowledge though that all parents make mistakes and I guess being one helps us to forgive any grudges against our own parents.
One thing I have a hard time with is adults who are forever blaming their parents for their problems. Grow up, and take charge of your life. One cannot move on otherwise.
sorry I'm off topic now.

Motek

Mon, Feb 28 2005, 6:49 pm

Ozmom wrote:

like when people tell you "go with your gut instinct"
what if its wrong? can't it ever be wrong?

depends on your guts, I guess ...

but seriously, of course, you're right

Quote:

Grow up, and take charge of your life. One cannot move on otherwise.

true

hadasa

Mon, Feb 28 2005, 6:55 pm

All mothers make mistakes sometimes. However, all mothers and children are different, so what I think is better for someone else's child is not necessarily so. I think we should generally try to give advice only when asked, even if we think the mother is wrong.

Rivka

Tue, Mar 01 2005, 6:05 pm

Quote:

we have the kids interest at heart

Is it really true though? Can we all honestly say we do things with our kids interest at heart and not one bit of us has our own interest at heart?
I think you get parents who say they are doing what is best for their children, when in reality, they are doing what is best for them. But those people also tend to neglect their family. The way I do things is through my son's personality and quite often I let him have his own independence. This doesn't mean he gets what he wants, but it means he has some control over his life and he is only 2. But what happens when he is a teen and wants to do things I feel are wrong. Do I feel these things are wrong because it isn't good for him, or because it isn't good for me? But I guess you can do that all the time. So basic answer, we do our best. There is no such thing is a perfect parent and no such thing as a perfect child.

Motek

Tue, Mar 01 2005, 6:11 pm

Rivka wrote:

I think you get parents who say they are doing what is best for their children, when in reality, they are doing what is best for them.

insightful rivka!

Quote:

So basic answer, we do our best.

do we?

rydys

Tue, Mar 01 2005, 6:57 pm

We certainly do not always know what is best for our children. My husband and I regularly consult with rabonim about decisions we have to make--even simple things like how to respond to a good report card! The rabonim I go to have much more experience than I do in raising children and also have more objective insight since they are not as involved.

In my practice, I definitely see parents who want to do what is best for them and not for their kids. I have parents demanding medication when it is not necessary and refusing to treat their ill children bec. they "know the child best". I actually had a mother who refused to treat her daughter's wheezing bec. she couldn't hear it--even though with a stethoscope I could hear how tight she was. That mother didn't want to be bothered.

We all need objective help bec. while we definitely know our children the best, we cannot always make the best objective decision for them. Of course, all of this changes when they become teenagers and we no longer know them best bec. they confide in others more, but thats a different story...

klotzkashe

Tue, Mar 01 2005, 7:45 pm

At first I thought to say that all parents who are totally given over and devoted to their kids will 'do what's best for their child.' but then springs to mind some pple I know who may be devoted to their children, but their devotion leads them to do things which may in the end cause the child to suffer;ie.
maybe keeping them at home so that they're not exposed to non jewish/external influences. but then their many children might be left in a hot/cold environment with not enough toys, sunlight, fresh air, entertainment - that a child may need. their mother might be harried with having them ALL DAY EVERY DAY and they may be losing out on an education that they need.

do these parents want whats best for their child? YES
Are their children getting what's best for them? DEBATABLE - of course we all believe in different ideals.

What I'm trying to say is that not always is one's good intention and motivation going to provide the BEST for their children. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and weigh up;

is this good for my child long-term?
is this good for my child short-term?
does my child gain/lose anything?
will this hurt/affect negatively my child?
are the pros worth the cons?
are the cons worth the pros?

Providing/Denying things for our children is a multi-faceted decision, there are so many aspects that need to be explored and considered before a parent makes a final decision.

Should a parent spend enough quality time considering the effects of the way in which they bring up their child, they could probably say that b'ezras hashem they are doing 'in their child's best interests.'

though we can't forget that we're also human!
we try!

roza

Tue, Mar 01 2005, 8:09 pm

Quote:

everybody knows best for their child

at least I know better then anybody else LOL

(most of the time), because I know my child better. I admit to making mistakes, though...
otoh, I am sure Hashem gave me the koach to make important decisions about my child since Hashem gave me this child/ren

chulent

Wed, Mar 02 2005, 4:20 am

I think that most Parents, generally want to do whats best for their children.
But I really can't believe that we can get it right all the time. I have no idea how I am ever going to deal with bringing up teenagers, and I in no way think I am going to be perfect or know how to perfectly.
And with the smaller details, we dont always get it right either. Sometimes I need a stranger in the st to tell me that my kid is overdressed, and its too hot for that sweatshirt.
Who expects us to be perfect and always get it right? I certainly do not always know what is right for my child. With a lot of smaller details I do now, because time spent with my child has given me that ability. I think that all our children really need from us is to keep TRYING to do whats best for them. The rest we can leave to G-d.

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