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How Will Our Children Survive The "real world?"



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happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 15 2012, 11:03 pm
I wrote about this topic here and wanted to share it with you. (posted with permission from Yael)

http://positiveparentsplace.bl......html
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black sheep




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2012, 1:32 am
great post.
it is a pet peeve of mine when people say that children need to experience adversity in order to prepare for the real world. I think the best way to prepare children for the mean, unfair world is to give them a lot of love and unconditional acceptance, so that they will have a strong foundation to face adversity when they are strong, emotionally stable adults. true, many children learn to cope with adversity, but unfortunately those coping mechanisms they form are detrimental to them in their adulthood.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2012, 12:17 pm
Wow, this is a tough one! In theory, I agree 100 percent. Home should be a respite from the slings and arrows of the world, and not every challenge makes us stronger.

However, support and love from parents is only part of the equation, IMHO. Just as important, children (and adults, for that matter!) need to feel that they are accomplishing worthwhile things and stretching themselves to meet challenges.

And this is where things get dicey: is a particular challenge appropriate for a specific child at a given time? Does the child feel that he/she is learning and/or achieving something worthwhile? Selecting the appropriate challenges to enhance, rather than undermine, a child's confidence is a tough job, and it's almost impossible to do it perfectly 100 percent of the time.

I believe that people who express misgivings about "careful parenting" are reacting to the many parents in our times who view their children as extensions of themselves. These can range from true "helicopter parents" to the women I overhear speaking in babytalk tone and cadence to their four-year-olds, but they share the same problem: they don't adequately distinguish their own thoughts and feelings from those of their children.

So one of the important questions to ask when helping kids learn to handle adversity is, "Is this situation making my child unhappy? Or is it making me unhappy?" While some situations obviously require parental intervention, I've found that there are plenty of times when my kids weren't half as bothered as I was!
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2012, 1:07 pm
I'm sorry to be harsh, but I find your article kind of irrelevant.

Most of the time when I hear about how are our children going to cope in the real world, it is not about loving, attentive parents. It is about overprotective helicopter parents.

So a mom who calls the teacher because Sheindel got a 75% on a spelling test that she didn't study for (because she chose to play with friends) is a helicopter parent who is not doing her daughter any favors. Or a mom who seeks special education services so her son can have extra time on the SATs, even though he's had no disability through out school- that's another example of a helicopter parent, whose child is going to have trouble in the real world. Or a parent who gets angry when someone reprimands her son for riding carelessly on his bike without a helmet- same thing.

I don't think most people think that parents should deliberately leave children in toxic situations to fortify them. I would immediately remove my kid from an intractable bullying situation and I would fight for special ed services for my child if he had a disability that interfered with the education process.

But yes, I have seen many, many children who grew up as crippled adults because their parents shielded them from any and all consequences of their behaviors and refused to give the child a chance to develop responsibility.

It's hard for parents to maintain this balance. We love our kids and want to shield them and yet, we know that our main jobs as parents is to become obsolete and allow our children to grow into functioning, well-rounded, emotionally healthy adults. It's not an easy balance.

That mom who got angry when her kid was reprimanded for careless biking- that was me. And I now need to apologize to my neighbor, she was totally right and I was a crazy helicopter mom.
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Chocoholic




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2012, 2:46 pm
Unconditinal acceptance isn't going to cut it in the real world.

Look, no one will let a child get beaten up to get tough, but falling and having a boo boo on your knee, burning your finger with the heater, failing an exam because of play etc are all very important things in the life of a child.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2012, 3:05 pm
It's a great topic.

I read from Jewish doctors who took care of children from the camps after the war, that those who survived the best were not, as they expected, those who were "used" to needing to be clever and survive, but those from loving, warm families.

And I hear from survivors that they were sustained by these warm memories, but also that those who had been prepared by a "self defense" education were thankful for that.

Sometimes the parent has to teach the lesson. Because life will not do it as nicely. I wish my parents had taught me some lessons (I was, am, extremely protected from anything "hard" or "stressful", though not to the point of sitting with me and my homework etc).
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happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2012, 11:14 pm
I love your feedback, thanks! Smile
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happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2012, 11:16 pm
I am not talking about helicopter parents. I am saying that we as parents have the ability to teach our children life lessons when things dont go right or cant be fixed... in a positive way, to give them tools to deal with these negative things, (and when NEEDED step in, depends on the situation of course!) in a way that will help them be strong and feel secure and be able to handle the world in a healthy way...
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