Boys in a home without and adult male

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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Mitzvahmom

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 5:44 pm

B"H I have been lucky my middle child has a big brother that is Jewish, frumish also (getting there) and does "boy" things with him..

Problem.... is as follows... I am lubavitch and I want my boys to be also, but with no male in the house they do not know who to emulate.

So as a result they refuse to wear their Tzitzit to bed. Among other things, and it's getting harder as they are getting older.

Flowerchild

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 5:48 pm

maybe you can find some kind of mantor for them, or a "big brother" program.

Ribbie Danzinger

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 5:48 pm

Is it a Lubavitch idea to be makpid to wear tzitzit in bed? I thought that the mitzvah was only during the daytime? Although I can imagine that having it on when morning arives means that you are not missing a moment with that mitzvah.

TzenaRena

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 5:53 pm

Chassidim wear tzitzis at night.

Ruchel

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 5:58 pm

My dh used to not weat tsitsis to bed, until he started forgetting them in the morning. So he started keeping them.

amother

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 6:01 pm

Mitzvamom, I hear you; I am in a similar situation, only I am not Lubavitch. My son doesn't do the basics, such as going to shul!
I do not have a big brother for him. I applied for one, but they wanted me to fill out a questionairre with all kinds of personal info. I wasn't up to doing that much self-disclosure to total strangers, so here I am raising a son without a positive male mentor.
Wish things were easier on you.....
Mother to mother, I can tell you my genuine feelings about this whole thing: yes it's true that having a positive role model is important for our sons' development. However, in the end, I believe our sons will take strength and comfort from our loving-kindness, our unconditional acceptance of them, our warm smiles, our welcoming embrace, our own positive midos, our own pesonal mitzva-observance. Whether they wear their tzitzis to bed or not will not matter so much in the scheme of things as much as our positive attitude and the time we spend listening to them.
If you have a different opinion, aderaba, please share....

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 6:03 pm

SaraYehudis wrote:

Chassidim wear tzitzis at night.

And since there is no male in the house, the boys do not see this! ahhhhhhh

chocolate moose

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 6:19 pm

I had a friend with three sons and no husband at home. I found someone to help her sons with the davening on Shabbosim, but your kids near real & constant contact, like from a big brother program as you mentioned.

One that includes Shabbosim!

We have many such big brother programs here in the city; it's a shame you're so adament about not moving.....what about starting one in your area?

gryp

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 6:20 pm

Mitzvahmom, can you think of a way to make it special so they would be excited about doing it? buy them a special new pair just for nighttime, etc.

my 3 yr old wears the cotton ones to sleep and the wool ones during the day, and he knows which one is for what and its all specific and matter-of-fact. it did take him a night or two to get used to wearing tzitzis at night which is why I'm glad we started as soon as he turned 3.

Mommy3.5

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 8:39 pm

I think it is rather dangerous for a small child to go to bed with tzitzit on, what if they go up around his neck?

Also some children wet thier bed at that age, do you think that is kavod for the tzitzit?

Also I would not force it, wait till thier rebbe teachesit to them in school. they will be excited to do it then. Forcing and nagging makes them not want to do it just to make you upset!

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Nov 19 2006, 8:56 pm

I do not push anything onto my kids...

Love them more than anything, just venting some single mom frustration..

thanks amother for understanding

mummy-bh

Mon, Nov 20 2006, 5:37 am

Mommy3.5 wrote:

I think it is rather dangerous for a small child to go to bed with tzitzit on, what if they go up around his neck?

I never saw this as a problem, B"H. They do on occasion tend to ride up, but not really as high as the neck and anyway the hole is very big.

Mommy3.5 wrote:

Also some children wet thier bed at that age, do you think that is kavod for the tzitzit?

We asked a Rav this question, could a child wearing diaper at night still wear tzitzits. We were told yes, but others were told no, so basically each person should ask their own rav!

Mommy3.5 wrote:

Also I would not force it, wait till thier rebbe teachesit to them in school. they will be excited to do it then. Forcing and nagging makes them not want to do it just to make you upset!

From personal experience - My older son I never pushed to wear tzitzis at night embarrassed

Now, a few years on, he needs reminding and occasionally does forget to put them on over his pj's (and yes, he has learnt about how important it is at school). With my younger son, I learnt from this mistake. The very first night of his 3rd birthday, I made a big fuss about him being so big, and since then it's never occured to him to not wear them at night.

Imaonwheels

Wed, Nov 22 2006, 11:36 am

I lived as a single parent for 5 yrs with 3 boys. I did everything. We built a sukkah and had mehudar 4 minim, went to shul. Everything. There was no accepting that the yiddishkeit in our home would be lacking because there was no Abba. My boys went to shul as much as was age apprpriate. My son who was 7 would bring his 5yr old bro to shul, say the first paragraph of shma take him to kiss the Torah and let him go out to play. I made kiddush but not havdala (halachicly problematic). They saw their Ima go to shiurim and learn in the house. To this day they know tghat Ima's favorite spare time activity is learning.

The rav took an interest in my boys and tried to bring him under his tallis. He carried them to cheder after their upsherenish and bentched them erev YK. There were few men they warmed up to. I taught Chassidishe behaviour as well as halacha as soon as the child could understand. They took turns making nedel vasser for everybody. I davened w/all 4 kids or split the job w/dd who at 9 was the oldest. I also had good melamdim for the most part who said straight to me that they new their obligation was greater in a home w/o a father and they lived up to it.

Family of 9 only 2 females - there is no danger wearing tzitzis in bed.

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