I need help to deal with my almost 13 yr old daugher..

rivk241

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 5:19 pm

I have 4 kids... she is oldest girl and we always clash! Ive had it.... examples- she cooks and leaves everything out I keep telling her to put things away as she uses them and she keeps thinking im asking her to do too much! next I offer her if she finishes her hw she can watch the biggest looser she loves it! she goes to do her hw for 5 min and says she is done when she is having a test that she failed last time I said more imp she gets better mark and she went wild! she said I just want to push off she shouldnt watch! she is sensitive and thinks im always out to get her which is absolutely not true! she holds these grudges with me if she doesnt get what she wants when she wants it she goes nuts on me! im at my end with this how do I fix this relationship before she wont even talk to me!

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 5:40 pm

When she cooks, appreciate it, praise the food, and make it a joint activity to put the stuff away with her. She is half a child.

It is said that when you want to jump on a bus you have to run alongside it first. Be a little more easygoing.

But you have to instill your basic values. She doesn't seem to share your values about the need to at least pass a school test. I have the impression some posters have professional experience with adolescent girls; I hope they help you.

I might suggest thinking before reacting, developing a strategy, and being very consistent. You don't want any randomness. The kid should always get the same thing from you, and that thing should have been thought out first. The kid likes to be in charge, and will try to get this or that result, but the kid should always get the same approach, no matter what. The kid isn't in charge.

I hope you get meaningful help. You might talk to your pediatrician at length and in private. You may not know how she thinks, and you may not know what is important and what is not so important. To you it's all important. You may need to know more about her developmental stage and level. A friend of mine used to like the auther Chaim Ginott, "Between Parent and Teenager". I haven't read it. Maybe it's available on alibris dot com.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Wed, Jan 09 2013, 5:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

cool_mama

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 5:41 pm

I think you should try spaeking to her together with your husband and see if she understands it then. Sometimes when someone else than you shows her that you only mean it well she might understand better. But she is a teenager and thats how they are. About the homework maybe set a time

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 5:53 pm

Wait, she's really still only twelve years old? I had the impression of fifteen or even sixteen. Of course cooking exhausts her attention span and she flees the kitchen leaving the stuff out. It's a lot to cook properly at all at that age - a lot is at stake, fire safety, wasting good food, food safety, hand washing, kashrut, knives.

She's a kid.

She may think that as she has helped out and been Mini Mommy to the others, she is a very big woman and can do a bit what she wants. I would ease off on the help-Mommy thing; it's too much on her shoulders, and it's too empowering. And she's flooded with hormones. She is still very, very very young: baby her a bit. If she were the same, but your youngest, her age would be seen very differently by you, perhaps.

fromthedepths

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 6:14 pm

I agree. She's still very young, and she needs your support in this maturation process. Don't criticize her. Show her that you're there for her, that you understand how hard it is to be a teenager. If she doesn't feel like doing something, empathize and ask what you can do to help. She needs to feel that you're on her side, not against her.

black sheep

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 7:12 pm

if you think you can avoid teenage hormonal outbursts, you have already lost. no matter how well you parent her, she will at times think you are the worst mother ever and she will tell you so! best to completely ignore the outbursts, or to point them out without engaging in them ("I see you are upset, but that isn't how you talk to your mother." end of discussion.)

its important to also give her the leeway to be a bit teenagerish. so as long as it isn't too chutzpadik, you can ignore when she yells something back at you and just continue the conversation as if she is talking normally.
example:
her: "I can't believe you are making me miss my favorite show! you hate me! and I hate you too!"
you: "do you want me to quiz you on your material for tomorrow's test or would you rather review it yourself?"
her: "how can you even hate your daughter so much!"
you: "if you show me the effort, an hour of studying tonight, I'll tivo your show for you and you can stay up a bit late watching it."

remain calm. pick your battles. show her love every day, even on the worst days.

eventually she will outgrow the teenage years. at least that's what they're promising me...

mummiedearest

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 8:13 pm

the cooking stuff: don't make her clean up your way, as long as she cleans up. why not let her have a break between finishing cooking and cleaning up?

as for studying/hw, be more specific. "if you study for your test for an hour, you can watch the biggest loser with me. would you like me to help you review for the last fifteen minutes of the hour?"

oh, and if she failed an exam in that topic, don't assume that studying more will solve everything. she probably has a problem with that subject. she either needs tutoring or a study partner. it's very hard to sit down by yourself and study for a test when you know you've already failed this subject and your mom knows it. why not have her invite a classmate over to study? you can treat them to pizza while they study, it'll be more pleasant for your dd, and the friend will want to come back to study next time.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 8:41 pm

You could not PAY me enough to be that age again! No way, no how.

I've been an unofficial Big Sister / 2nd Mom to several preteen girls in my community. They are such sweet girls, and they're going through absolute h*ll at this stage. You never know if they're going to want to snuggle up with you on the sofa, or slam the door in your face - and they don't know either. That's the worst part. If you ask them "why?" they DON'T KNOW! Their bodies and brains are changing so fast, it's a race for one to keep up with the other.

You're going to need a delicate balance between giving her enough responsibility that she can develop confidence and self esteem, while keeping firm boundaries in place (which she will push daily) so that she will still know that she's safe and loved.

Psychologically, this is what's known as the "differentiation period", where she is developing an identity as an individual who is separate from the family unit. At the same time, she needs the family unit as a safety net while she tests her wings. Children don't suddenly turn into functioning adults on their 18th birthday. It's a slow and gradual process, full of trial, error and often misery. It's also a wonderful time of discovery, where you get to experience your daughter on a whole new level. She will amaze you with her insight and maturity, even while she baffles you by the stupid choices she'll make.

The best you can do is to hang onto your hat, it's going to be a wild ride!

Ashrei

Wed, Jan 09 2013, 9:44 pm

What about, when she's cooking, say, "Sweetheart, I just want you to know that I love your cooking. I love that you cook, and I love YOU. And you really don't have to put everything away. I thought about it a little, and ya know? It really is my pleasure to clean up after you, zeiskeit." (and mean it) And stick with that. How do you think that would play out over a week or 2?

... just brainstorming Smile