DS's Problem with Classmate

saw50st8

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 8:17 pm

DS is 5 years old. He is currently in Pre-K. He is a well behaved student and a very motivated learner.

There is another child in the class who is bothering him. The kid is not a disciplined child. He takes toys from DS, says mean things and can sometimes get physical (hits him, pokes him, bothers him). I've discussed this various times with his teachers who are aware of the issue (its not just with DS, its with all the kids). They have been working on getting him to behave better and helping the kids cope more independantly.

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working well enough. Today, DS told me he wants to go back to his daycare because of the boy bothering him.

To add to this problem, we carpool with the kid (which I absolutely cannot change at the moment for various reasons) and he attends our shul. He is generally not a good influence (both language and behavior).

I am looking for some advice on what I should expect from the teachers, how to handle this situation and most importantly, better coping mechanisms for DS.

lk1234

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 9:11 pm

I see this as an awesome opportunity to teach your child about how to stand up to a bully.
Teach your child to say no assertively
Teach your child to defend other children who are being bullied
Teach your child word for word what to say to the other kid so that he is empowered to respond.
example- no Dovid this is my toy. I am playing with it. You cna have this toy. If he keeps bothering then teach your child to say "I will have to tell mora if you continue to bother me".

Kids this age need the tools to learn what to say. This is a great opportunity.

ROLE PLAY a lot. Have you and your husband be this evil dovid kid. And practice different scenarios. I have so much fun with these situations when my kids have problems like this. I get all mean and annoying but my kids learn what to do.

MaBelleVie

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 9:17 pm

I like lk's post. One thing I would add is not speaking about this within earshot of ds, unless you're actually addressing him. I have no idea if this is the case in your situation, but sometimes the child gets more upset about it because he overhears his parents sounding agitated about the topic. Try to be sympathetic without showing how you are personally feeling.

Mimisinger

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 9:19 pm

Initially I would say avoid this kid like the plague. But you can't change carpool for some reason, and he gos to your shul. So do the opposite.

Have playdates, go out for fun things together.

ENROLL the other mother to do the same. This kid is clearly hurting (and/or has issues) and needs friends. Teach him how to be a friend.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

saw50st8

Thu, Feb 14 2013, 10:24 pm

lk1234 wrote:

We try to do this. And he does it pretty well, and he tells the teacher. But this kid is obnoxious and relentless. I think the teachers are struggling a little bit in restraining this other kid.

saw50st8

Thu, Feb 14 2013, 10:25 pm

Mimisinger wrote:

We've tried doing lots of playdates with him. He doesn't listen - not to DS, not to me. Eventually I just give up and take him home. To give an example, I once heard him tell DS "Just tell your mother yes and then do what you want." Grr...

bamamama

Thu, Feb 14 2013, 10:43 pm

Can you develop a rapport with this kid? Next time you drive him, look him in the eye and see if you can get a smile out of him - it's called collecting and it's what we instinctually do with babies. But bigger kids need it, too. If you show him you're an adult he can rely on (sounds like he doesn't have one, really), you might be able to protect your ds through the relationship with that child - I.e. if the child sees you as his protector, he may want to protect what's yours (your ds). For more on this concept, see Gordon Neufeld's Hold On To Your Kids. FWIW, I have done this with a friend's daughter with some success.

saw50st8

Fri, Feb 15 2013, 5:35 am

I will try that Bama. I don't usually drive the carpool (DH does the morning and two other people do the afternoon). But I will tell DH too and I will try that when I see him.

His teachers emailed me back that they are aware of this and they are working with him. I'm glad they are attempting to stay on top of the situation.

amother

Fri, Feb 15 2013, 7:22 am

We have had similar issues in the past. Speak to the school and have them in different classes next year. We have done this for years for one particular child and it has helped. We also carpooled with said child and it was a nightmare. The boys are older now and things have finally mellowed - but it took 5 years. There are other boys that are also not so nice and not a good influence - those are the boys I teach my DS to cope with, but this one particular child was a disaster when theyw ere together, so I made sure it never happened in the classroom.

saw50st8

Fri, Feb 15 2013, 7:34 am

I have already discussed having them in seperate classes next year. My concern is that DH is a little bit shy and it takes him a few months to make friends and get comfortable. I would rather him be able to stay with his friends. I'm not sure if thats even fair to ask for though.