my son's inappropriate behavior

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 6:08 am

My 11 year old DS has always been open when talking toilet talk. He also makes references to body parts and jokes around about it sometimes. We have tried so hard to get him to see how bad this is, but he still does it. Today, we received a letter from the school telling us that he was caught looking over the toilet cubicle at another boy. Now, I'm sure he wasnt alone in doing this, but I'm worried that he has some serious s-xual problem, like being oversexualized or something. He has never been abused, so its not that. We dont discuss it at home either, and are very careful with what the kids watch and see.

Does all this behaviour seem very inappropriate, or is it normal child behaviour? And what should I do about it?

imasinger

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 6:21 am

I'm sorry you are worried.

Nobody should presume to offer a diagnostic idea on such a topic without meeting your DS and talking firsthand to you.

Can you find a highly recommended child/teen psychologist to evaluate and discuss it?

It could be a problem, it could be nothing. Look for someone who has the expertise to help you figure it out.

Hugs!

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 6:30 am

No, the school have marked my son as 'bad' and pick up on every little thing he does. They never suggest anything positive or how to help him. My son is a happy, lively, confident boy who does well in school although finds it difficult to concentrte it class and focus. They have put him in the back of the classroom on his own. Its not a nice school. I wish I could move him, but theres no other school places.

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 8:22 am

Has your son been evaluated for ADHD as you mention he finds it difficult to concentrate and focus? We have a similar problem of constant talk of body functions using words we do not use in our home and have been unsuccessful in putting a stop to this. One of the signs of ADHD is excessive talking. There is also the impulsive element and looking over a bathroom stall could just be something impulsive. I think my own child speak excessively using language I don't like and that we do not use. But other kids use that language in their home but don't speak excessively and incessantly on the same topic.

I don't think that peeking over the bathroom stall is a sign of maladaptive s-xuality or oversexuality based on a single event. You don't provide a lot of detail regarding his bathroom talk and the words he uses which could give help determine the severity of the situation. One thing a parent cannot know for certain is if their child has been abused. But peeking over a bathroom stall seems rather impulsive to me. Depending on his other behaviors, you might want to involve a professional. We had some strange behaviors in our home that caused a well meaning friend to ask if he might be being abused. In conjunction with other behaviors, two professionals agreed on a diagnosis that we had not considered.

A real diagnosis is based on a history of behavior, not on this thing here and that thing there. It is tough once a school has labelled a kid bad. I've seen that happen to so many kids of my friends. I assume this is the only yeshiva school in town which is why you mention no other schools?

flmommy

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 8:22 am

My oldest son is 9 and I do not think he would look over a bathroom stall. Most kids by that age have a sense of privacy. Since you write that you have tried speaking to him about this many times maybe an outside source would be more effective. A counselor or a trusted Rabbi perhaps. Also what about asking him what his motive was. Maybe he will tell you something that can shed some light on the situation. Maybe he is concerned that his privates are not normal and wants to see someone else's or maybe another kid dared him to do it, good luck.

morah

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 8:35 am

I don't think you have to panic that there's some sort of zxual dysfunction, but his behavior is absolutely NOT age appropriate and you should get a professional involved. It sounds like he is very socially immature- which could be ADHD or some other disorder that tends to manifest in this way, or he could just need some help in learning and practicing appropriate social behavior. But you really need to get a professional to work with him, especially with the school being so unhelpful.

doublemama

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 9:09 am

I don't think you need to worry about anything s-xual going on either, I think it really depends what they were doing while they looked. You did say your DS wasn't alone, right? Were they laughing, or just staring or what? Maybe someone was making bathroom noises and they wanted to see who, or maybe they wanted to scare that person by peeking over the cubicle. Sounds to me like he is fascinated by the body and all it does. Of course you have to curb the inappropriate behavior before it gets out of hand. Maybe the threat that if bad behavior in the bathroom doesn't stop he won't be able to go at school without an adult with him to make sure he acts like an 11 year old. At that age the threat of a humiliation like that should help him control himself.

notshanarishona

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 10:49 am

- I don't think it's normal age appropriate behavior. There is a certain points when kids are very little and exploring their bodies I.e. 5/6 that I would say it seems to be more common but at age 11 your son should know better.

- To me this is not the type of thing that should be communicated about in a letter and the fact that they are communicating that way is probably symbolic of an overall bigger communication issue with you and school. I would talk either in the phone or in person with his teacher and get some background I.e. is this the first time it has happened, is he doing it alone, are there other kids encouraging / laughing at him doing it/ etc..

- Definitely sounds like therapy, testing for ADD, etc.. is in order and can help your son.