What can I do besides spank?

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 10:10 am

amother wrote:

My 8 year old has become increasingly difficult. At bedtime, he refused to leave his brother's room and laid still on the floor, laughing. DH was still at work and this kid is big and strong. I'm not able to physically drag him (especially being pregnant). Threatening to take things and privileges away from him does not help. He already lost everything that means something to him within the last few weeks. So what were my options? I spanked in the end, but it really wasn't the best way to deal with things.

The bolded made me feel so sad for him.

I mean, you said it yourself - there's no incentive left for him to behave if everything was already taken away. So he just laughs (BTW that's what's known as false bravado - he could just as well have been crying) and asserts himself with misbehavior, because it's all he has left.

So give him back his dignity and pride with positive parenting. Take a course (I recommend REACH from Torah Umesorah, or Dina Friedman, there are others), read "how to talk so your child will listen and listen so your child will talk" (something like that) and make some parenting changes. You will see unbelievable results really quickly, because when you change yourself....you change your kids' whole world.

Barbara

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 10:26 am

amother wrote:

((Hugs)) I know its tough.

Never put a kid in a position where he has nothing left to lose because, well, then he has nothing left to lose. Also, some kids (like mine) really go off the deep end when they lose things they really care about, BUT they do it by acting as if they don't care. I'd start giving things back.

Talk to him at a calm time. Shloimie, we've really gone off the rails lately. You're misbehaving. I'm reacting to your misbehaving in ways I'd rather not. We need to figure this out together, because I love you, and don't want to keep taking things away from you. Listen to him. Get him to listen to you.

carpediem

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 11:20 am

Regarding spanking- there are a few factors to take into account:
1) are you hitting this child like a madwoman? Or is it a deliberate, thought out, one time potch?
2) what did the child do to deserve it? IMO the only time giving one potch would be ok is if the child did something dangerous like running into the street or playing with matches.
3) realize that the more often you use this 'method' the less effective it will be. (And the more likely it is to become abuse)
4. Most importantly- the parents state of mind. If you are angry do NOT hit. It should be used to teach the child something, not in order for you to release your anger. The bottom line to go by is it should hurt you more than it hurts him. The minute it doesn't, never raise your hand to your child again.

sneakermom

Sun, Nov 03 2013, 8:39 pm

Watch some clips on the nurtured heart approach. I think franticfrummy mentioned here once. A friend of mine actually made it simple for me to follow with these three basic steps.

1. Constantly verbally notice the positive things your child does. "I see you worked hard to focus on your homework....You stopped what you were doing and threw the wrapper in the garbage, I like the way you gave half of your cookie to Esty".

2. Warn once, and give a consequence. "shut the video and come eat". Again. "Shut the video and come eat"....okay no more video tonight. Consequences don't have to be monumental like losing in the stock market, but some basic logical consequence works best.

3. As soon as you say the consequence.....Go back to positive. Scan for positive. State the next positive thing your child does.

My friend took the time to explain this to me exactly like this and it has made a big difference in my family.