Guilt is eating at me

amother

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 1:39 pm

I am a full-time working mother. I send my 2 young children to day care during the day until 5:30, sometimes 6:00- every day. I HATE working so many hours but for now, I dont have a choice. In the evenings, when I come home, its cooking supper right away, then there's feeding the kids, bath time and bed time. Crying

no quality time to spend with the kids...
And because of the short time, I end up screaming at them because I want to get them to bed on time... Crying

And then, when the'yre finally asleep, I watch them sleeping, and kiss them and feel such love and especially such guilt- its literally eating my insides.
I am just venting, and maybe need some advise, but please dont tell me to quit my job.

SZ mother

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 1:53 pm

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have the sameeeee exactly problem, and for a while, that is waht you have, you are a human being, it's ok. Now... try to bath them a little bit longer, meaning, make them enjoy it very much, the feeding should be pleasant too, you will try, not everyday you will have strenght. But... try harder not to scream, because that is because you are mad and not because they are doing something very wrong, and actually maybe they are, but they are trying to make you pay attention to them. Believe me!!!!

Slowly you will also realize, that the routine can be braken, like if u don't bath them one day, but make a cake together before feeding is a lot of fun!!! or showing a video online, or something different or just serving pizza instead of healthy home made food, is also good.
At least make a goal, TODAY I WILL BLABLABLABLA, and at least you did something with them. They love you!!! Always remember that!

amother

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 2:58 pm

sending 2 to daycare can be expensive, could you afford a babysitter instead? it might end up costing the same, but a babysitter can take care of bathtime, and if frum, can take care of making dinner for the kids. and if not, can at least feed them.

also, can you cook meals in your crockpot so you don't worry about cooking when you come home?

amother

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 11:05 pm

Yup. I was in the exact same situation, and what I started doing is postponing their bedtime an hour. In the winter, I only bathe then every second night, and we have more free time...

Once you take the pressure off yourself to put them to sleep by a certain time (you can stick to the same time range, but not exact hour), you will be less frustrated.

In my case it really helped.

miriam

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 11:27 pm

Just remember, it's the quality not the quantity of time spent with your children. Just a few minutes, a hug or kiss there. That's what's important to them. If you need to work then you need to work. Don't feel guilty about that but spend those few seconds of individual time with your child. Try to spend that time watching them sleep, while they are still awake.

amother

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 11:32 pm

I struggle with the same, and at times this helps me stay calm: I promise myself a treat if I am to talk calmly to my kids just for an hour, and then another hour....break it down to 15-minute blocks if you need to. The good feeling I get motivates me to continue...

chaimsmom

Thu, Jan 18 2007, 12:53 pm

I think fear and guilt are the two primary feelings of all parents. I don't think it has anything to do with whether or not you work. I know stay at home moms feel guilty as well - they worry that they aren't spenidng enough time with their kids, or that they yell at them too much, or that they don't provide the material things other kids have, etc. I once saw a bumper sticker that said "Call your mother, she worries." It's really true. As mothers, it's our nature worry about our kids. It's sounds like you're doing the best job you can. Please be kind to yourself.

Imhappy!

Thu, Jan 18 2007, 2:11 pm

dear OP

your post bought tears to my eyes. I can feel the frustration and sheer exsution.

as someone mentioned your kids do love you. and they await your love... this knowledge should give you strenght.

when I was working longer hours (like yours now) I would stand in front of the babysitters door and say a tefillah (sometimes with tears embarrassed

) and ask for help in staying calm and to be able to give your kids the attention to need and deserve.

also remember that things with get better. kids grow up/ hopefully soon you will be able to afford more help (buy suppers out, cleaning help, in house babysitter....) and cut your working hours...

in the mean time (((hugs))) and take one day at a time!

withhumor

Thu, Jan 18 2007, 5:58 pm

I too went through the exact same thing. What’s worse was that the older one of the two went through a stage where she cried on the street the whole way home after daycare and I was so embarrassed and angry on the street. To avoid that, I hired a high school to pick them up after she finished school and take them home, to bathe them and put them on pajamas and feed them what I prepared in the morning. Then, when I came home, I went to the bathroom, changed my clothes and when I was ready, she left. I played with them and then put them to sleep.

One crucial thing is YORUSELF. Make sure you eat a full meal at about 3:30 PM or you will come home and act like someone you don’t like because you haven’t taken care of your needs.

I went through that for almost two years and when I look back to that time I absolutely regret it, and believe me, financially, we are better off now with my working LESS hours! Less daycare, less ‘last minute takeout suppers’ and all the other little things that pile up because we work ourselves to the bone, round the clock.

P.S. because I no longer work so long I need less clothes, new shoes less often, pedicure etc.

BrachaVHatzlocha

Thu, Jan 18 2007, 10:00 pm

I was going to post some of the already mentioned suggestions:
- bathe the kids every other night
- prepare food in the morning - or even the night before - in a crockpot. You'll come home and have little to do supper-wise. Also, don't worry about fancy meals. The kids with love macaroni and cheese and you dno't have to be too long in the kitchen.
hatzlocha!

amother

Thu, Jan 18 2007, 10:14 pm

OP here.
Thank you for your replies. All your suggestions are wonderful.
Today, after work, I put the younger one to bed (without a bath! Smile

), and I baked cupcakes with my older son. Just me and him. Then I put him to bed with a story and a kiss.
I feel happy tonight.

Motek

Sun, Jan 21 2007, 11:06 am

miriam wrote:

Just remember, it's the quality not the quantity of time spent with your children.

I don't know the OP or her circumstances so I will just say I am sorry she cannot spend more time with her children and other posters gave some good advice on how to make the most of the time she has with them.

However, I cannot allow this well-meaning myth to be perpetuated. Children need quantity as well as quality time. OP knows this or she wouldn't feel guilty. If parents cannot supply the quantity, they do the best they can.

greenfire

Sun, Jan 21 2007, 11:35 am

amother wrote:

OP here.
Thank you for your replies. All your suggestions are wonderful.
Today, after work, I put the younger one to bed (without a bath! Smile

), and I baked cupcakes with my older son. Just me and him. Then I put him to bed with a story and a kiss.
I feel happy tonight.

I'm glad you had a good night with them it's all in the way you do something - happily - not frustrated and screaming - cause it actually takes more energy from your already exhausted self. Continue to focus on the little things that could make it a happier venture for the kinderlach.

Oh and ignore Motek

happymom

Sun, Jan 21 2007, 3:42 pm

I agree motek. why ignore her??? I dont get that, she does have a point and no I dont think it was meant to make op feel bad, but when someone makes a statement that isnt necessarily true, its ok to say why not.....

amother

Mon, Jan 22 2007, 7:14 pm

Not necessarily is a stay at home mother a better mother. Many mothers I've met, and many mothers I see in the street daily are doing the VERY NOBLE act of being a stay at home mother. However

When they are shopping, the talk on their cell phones the entire time while ignoring their kidsˆWhen they go into a store, they leave their stroller with their precious baby outsideˆThey are frustrated with dealing with their kids all day, and yell, scream, slap, etc.
Of course, not all of them. But we, working mothers, are not THOSE mothers who are not home for their kids. Sometimes, we are caring, loving mothers, where the QUALITY of our bond to our children go beyond the quality that the QUANTITY of SOME stay-at-home mothers give their children.[/list][/I]

happymom

Mon, Jan 22 2007, 7:46 pm

obviously it depends. yes some are better off without thier mothers. I dont think anyone was talking about that nor would anyone disagree with that. the fact is thought that the more a mother can spend time with her kids the better. even stay at home mothers need outlets to make them feel good, and be better mothers. I sont think working or not working has anything to do with it. whatever times we spend with our kids should be quality (as much as possible) and the amount of quality time we spend, well the more the better......

gold21

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 11:10 am

OP I really feel for you...........
sometimes what helps me is to prioritize: whats most imp? kids getting attention or getting a full supper? definitely kids getting attention....the emotional is more imp than the physical, imho. ok so we have frozen pizza or macaroni or whatever is really easy for supper, but my son gets a lot of love, cuz im not busy preparing food. (and for health value, u can cut up a veggie or something while talking to the kids)
I try to prioritize cuz I dont think everything can be perfect, somethings gonna give--so let the less imp things give, and not the love that your children so desperately crave!
thats one thing im very into. I work long hours, im exhausted when I pick up my baby, but I just forget everything else and play with him, until he goes to sleep. and then I eat a simple supper with dh and do whatever else I gotta do. cuz my baby needs my attention, its priority.
things are hard when u work full time and youre a mommy too.....its not ideal, I know. good luck........