I feel like a horrible mother. Need chizuk.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, May 27 2014, 1:40 pm

Imamother, you lost when you let him shout at the table. You should have glared and ignored. And not offered all that other stuff and apologized and blah blah blah. Gloriosky you are treating him like an adult and also like a tyrannical adult. You do not work for him. You are acting as if you do. And none of this is his fault.

Where is his father?

Stop enabling this behavior.

Lay out food and chat pleasantly about the weather. It's not your problem if he doesn't eat. It's none of your business. Of course hungry people eat.

In fact, backing up, you lost when you first lured him out of bed with promise of special food.

No, people get up because they are cheerfulled, curtain opened, clomping feeted, and loudly greeted out of bed, because it's time. Make the house smell strongly of cinnamon, by putting something like that in the oven or something. But don't talk about it.

Don't talk about food.

Present it and dish it out. Smile a lot.

You know perfectly well he is jealous of the younger ones. So let his father make up for the attention you must give them. Treat him with the respect due to a Much Older and Wiser Boy.

No mammal starves itself. People, mice and gerbils will EAT if they are hungry. Do NOT worry about them starving. It has not happened yet.

Have a very long talk with your pediatrician.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, May 27 2014, 1:43 pm

I don't mean to be mean, but he is right to be cross at you. You are depriving him of parental authority. He intuits that he needs that much more than food. He is starving for parental authority, and starving people yell.

amother

Tue, May 27 2014, 1:54 pm

I find it helpful to take a quick mommy timeout when things are getting overwhelming. If the situation isn't a dangerous one, leave the room for a minute or two, take a few deep breaths, ask for Hashem's help, and then deal with it. Not only does it give me a chance to calm down, but it sometimes even makes the kids stop to think about mommy's feelings, and they're usually grateful when I come back.

I was very comforted when I read somewhere that kids will turn out just fine if their parents are responsive to them 30% of the time.

myym

Tue, May 27 2014, 2:41 pm

I'm replying to the mother of the 9 yr old son who wrote about the donut incident. First of all I totally feel your pain. I have a very challenging 9 year old daughter. We've been to a lot of professionals and I read loads of parenting books. I wanted to recommend a book that I found to be extremely helpful, more so than all the expensive! professionals. It is called the explosive child by Ross Greene. Extremely practical and really to the point. It is not expensive at all and you can get it on amazon. Please read it. I think it will be extremely beneficial!
Much hatzlacha!

sunny90

Tue, May 27 2014, 3:42 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Dirt is good for them.

Okay this is just a pet peeve of mine. Dirt is not "good" for children! Nowhere does it say that children need dirt to be healthy! Perhaps never letting your child get a speck of dirt on them is unhealthy, but that probably comes along with other issues. I personally hate when my kids get dirty, even though yes they are boys, and I do at least try to educate them about basic cleanliness such as washing their hands when they come inside, and perhaps when they're sitting on the ground playing, avoiding that big patch of mud.

OP, I really feel you, have 3 boys age 4, 2, and 6 months, love them all so much but sometimes get so angry at them! (Especially my 4 yo who's going through a really obnoxious stage, but then still sometimes can be so sweet its unbelieveable). Sometimes I just want to kick myself when the day is over and they are all in bed. I consider it a victory when the last words they hear from me are loving ones (instead of "stay in bed and be quiet the baby's trying to sleep!"). That's what I aim for. Maybe try to think of one little thing you can change and start with that? Your kids love you and think you're the best mommy no matter what!

amyisraelchai

Tue, May 27 2014, 9:29 pm

I think this is an issue near and dear to almost all of us.... I just want to recommend a book that has truly been life-changing in the way I interact with my kids, it is called How to Talk so Children Will Listen and Listen so Children Will Talk. I read the book and attended a seminar based around it, given by a frum woman in my community, and it has truly empowered my husband and I in our parenting. The strategies don't work every single time, but it's amazing how often they do, and how it has changed the entire atmosphere of our home and our interactions with our kids. I highly highly recommend it!
Best of luck, and have confidence, you can do this!!

amother

Tue, May 27 2014, 10:11 pm

I came to a point where I was yelling so much I knew I needed to get myself help. I'm taking a parenting course now and it's helping me tremendously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also find that the more adult interaction I have a day the calmer and happier I am.
Good Luck and hugs!

marina

Wed, May 28 2014, 12:21 pm

to the mom with a 9 year old- I also get upset when my kids miss the bus. Sometimes, though, the best thing to do is leave them at home. No school, no movies, no computer, just sit in your room and be super bored because you didn't make the bus. Tomorrow, that kid will probably try a bit harder to be on time.

hello321

Tue, Jun 12 2018, 11:24 pm

Didn’t read the entire thread but feeling like a horrible mother so I did a search and found this old post.
The thing I feel the worst about is that I say things that I really regret right after I see them. I just get so frustrated and I’m not sure how to channel that frustration. Please help

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jun 13 2018, 3:34 am

hello321 wrote:

I think that while not yelling is ideal, you can turn it into a teaching moment for your kids. They need to learn how to make mistakes, and then apoligize properly.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. Yelling is not nice, and I should have used better words. I love you very much."

Afterwards, you can say "When you _____ I sometimes feel like yelling. Let's make a deal. You work on not doing _____, and I will work on not yelling. OK?" I find this to be very effective with kids of all ages, even with preschoolers and teenagers (who are basically the same thing. LOL

)