friend's husband doesnt want her to work

Motek

Thu, Mar 08 2007, 1:04 pm

MosheDovid'sMom wrote:

actually, op made it pretty clear what changed. after the wife started working, husband realized just how unacceptable that was in his community.

Seems strange to me that he spoke up only two months later, and this was after she went back to work after 20 years! If this is not done in their circles, what's missing information to me is why she went back to work. Did he oppose it or not?

Maybe, she assured him that it would be okay and he reluctantly agreed or maybe he didn't really agree and she started working anyway, hoping that once it was happening already, he would go along with it.

ny_ima

Tue, Mar 13 2007, 12:43 am

Dearest Imamothers.

For those of you who do not feel complete 'just' being a sahm and wife
read this:

The Kohen Gadol in Bais Hamikdash was of utmost highest level, the only one allowed to enter Kodesh Kedashim and come so close to the Shechina to daven for Klal Yisrael! If he just had an ounce of unholy THOUGHT he would instantly DIE. Point is: he was important to say the least.
Halacha says that if The Kohen Gadol on his way to KodeshKedoshim comes by a Mes-Mitzvah. a dead body no one else there to bary. then he is mechuyav to go bary the dead. THIS mitzvah OVERRIDES his avodah.

The main Tachlis of our DH and men in this world is to learn TORAH (yes some can not do this but it still remains of utmost importance) Torah is equal to ALL the Mitzvos! Talmud Torah Keneged Kulan. The world exists on Torah and Chesed which must go hand in hand. Learn to Do...
That being said dear imamothers, OUR mitzvah OVERRIDES learning Torah! Thus we are not obligated with Limud Torah!

Can you just for a moment fathom how important and precious our mundane/day to day work is?
(if one can not stay sane at home all day, of course she should find some balance.) But NEVER ever underestimate the Grand Mitzvah we have of 'JUST' being the wives and mommies of Klal Yisrael!

Imagine how much Hashem must love us to entrust this job to us, and to prove it -- women are closer to Hashem by design. (without learning) we are closer to HIM than man.
So what if the Man wears the crown if the crown jewels belong to the Woman?! (we also get schar for the Torah our DH's learn!)

Not working and not being validated for the wonderful job she is doing is 2 diff. issues. Sorry to differ but it IS a JEWISH THEME to have 2 equal partners. a man without a wife is a half person and together they are ONE NESHAMA!

mimivan

Mon, Mar 19 2007, 2:58 am

[quote="gold21"]oh gosh why cant these women speak up for themselves? this is america in 2007, not iraq in 1807. oh its so unfair!
why does the sephardic community have the name of having a lot of physical and verbal abuse of women by their husbands? there must be a reason for this "myth"- likely cuz it really does exist in many homes, unfortunately, and isnt a myth at all.

Hi, I'm a new member, and I don't want to begin by stepping on toes, but if I were Sephardic, I would be extremely offended reading these statements. Do you have concrete evidence that abuse in the Sephardic community is worse than it is in the Ashkenaz community? Perhaps there it is more out in the open (I have seen it on the street. Literally) but I have also witnessed emotional and verbal abuse in Ashkenaz homes. We should be careful about alienating groups. I know a Sephardic guy who cooks for his Ashkenaz wife every Erev Shabbos. He even makes Challah. So go figure....

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 19 2007, 2:15 pm

I think I agree that Sephardim prefer their wives to be at home, and they have a quieter personality than the Ashkenazic women. I am 1/4 Sephardic (from Greece) and it wasn't the wife who did the shopping for food and so on, but the husband (not that it would bother me LOL

).
It was even more the case in North Africa.
At the same time, my great great grand aunt took a trip to Eretz Israel by herself in the 20's, so yeah...

mirisimma

Wed, Mar 21 2007, 9:47 am

ny_ima wrote:

thank you for the beautiful idea. I do agree, but I believe that the issue in the thread is that this woman wants to do something that isnt asur, and may (may) not be detracting from her important role as a mommy wife etc, and her husband seems to have indisputable veto power despite how she feels. thats kind of shocking to hear.

mirisimma

Wed, Mar 21 2007, 5:13 pm

yeah, but the guy obviusly though a rav could tell him whether or not he should listen to his wife's opinion, already a little not what I'm used to.

I'm sefardi and I want to say, yes the roles are more defineD on a comunity level, (and I wouldnt have it any other way. prety judgemental about it actually) but yesh ve'yesh and thats true in ashkenazi too

and ive NEVER heard of a sefardi woman being decribed as quiet!!

amother

Sun, Mar 25 2007, 4:06 pm

mirisimma wrote:

OP here: I dont know if quiet is the correct word here, but listens to every last word that her husband says. I did not see this as a marriage of being a partenr and equal being to her husband but rather sort of scared of what her husband would say and tell her to do.

amother

Sun, Mar 25 2007, 10:06 pm

OP, when my husband and I were first married, he really didn't like my working full-time outside the home (similar reasons), so having been in kind of a similar situation, I have some suggestions

1) she could find a work at home job (although this might not help in terms of getting out of the house, but it would build her sense of esteem--this is what we did

2) In addition or instead of working in the home, she could attend shiurim or volunteer. Maybe he doesn't want her away 40 hours a week, maybe if she were doing chesed for a few hours a week, wouldher husband
agree?

3) some friends in my neighborhood take in babies and children. If she needs a break from this, understood, but it would give her something to do, some extra money, and a great way to meet with other women.

amother

Mon, Mar 26 2007, 9:56 am

amother wrote:

OP here:
1. as far as working from home, most of those type jobs are computer based and they dont have one.
2. I am sure that she goes to shiurim, I actually know that she does, so that is not the thing, its that she wanted to work, her youngest is going to be is in school so she felt that she does not have to be home 24/7. also about the working 40 hours a week, this job was not 40 hours a week, it was from 8 - 2 sun - thur and not friday (we are in israel) so it was not a full time job.
3. I dont think that it was the doing, it was the getting out of the house and doing so I am not sure if your suggeestions would go over.

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 26 2007, 12:15 pm

mirisimma wrote:

wow, ive never met her but that sounds sad... even my grandmother who refers to her husband as Mr ___, revels in the dotting wife/endetured servant role. I would never describe her as scared.

I would not say scared, but "not even thinking of answering or saying no because he is the Man of the house". Many women in my Sephardic family were like that, but few from the Ashkenazic side. My grandmother was also like that before being influenced by her Ashkenazic inlaws lol