Support once support time is over

LittleDucky

Mon, Jun 15 2015, 9:44 pm

amother wrote:

I am just curious>
were is this "system" that encourages "full support" =>
I know in Lakewood (where I live) the standard is to give an amount that basically covers the rent and a drop more for five years.

But many parents pay for things like plane tickets home. They often aren't making yom tov. And the couple is on WIC, SNAP etc for food. Probably reduced heat/ HEAP. So what else is really not able to be covered by the wife's minimum wage job? Does she need the roast? New sheitel? These are new couples who have just got an entire household new. And the parents just bought new strollers, cribs etc for the new baby. Again, what isn't covered? What else do you want and can your parents cover it?

Yes, I am making generalizations here. But I am talking about a LOT of new couples I know. Lakewood. EY. Brooklyn. And beyond.

LittleDucky

Mon, Jun 15 2015, 9:45 pm

Oh, and so many I know have their parents credit card numbers so that covers diapers, amazon etc...

amother

Ginger

Mon, Jun 15 2015, 9:49 pm

Plane tickets are only covered if the couple lives a plane ride away and the parents wish them to come home.
And if the wife is working to cover expenses then how exactly are they being fully supported?

amother

Mint

Mon, Jun 15 2015, 10:48 pm

I don't understand. Why are they different than any other newly wed couple? I stopped being supported by my parents on the day of my wedding. No "transition" period. We were both students, not making money, and we were left to figure it out on our own. And we figured it out. We got part time jobs while in school and somehow managed to figure out a budget and support ourselves without a cent from anyone else. What makes kollel couples any different than the rest of us? If anything, they got the advantage of a five year head start of not having to worry, and some time to plan. Are they so naive that they didn't realize that they would eventually have to fend for themselves? Why are they being treated like babies?

LittleDucky

Mon, Jun 15 2015, 10:55 pm

amother wrote:

Strollers, car seats, cribs. Food is by SNAP and WIC. Rent is covered. "Plus a little extra". What else is a necessity?
And the wife shouldn't work??? Why not?
Support is to cover the husbands non salary in Kollel...is it not??

amother

Ginger

Mon, Jun 15 2015, 11:07 pm

LittleDucky wrote:

I never said the wife should not work I merely asked where the community is that encourages "full support" as I do not know of any.

SRS

Tue, Jun 16 2015, 1:58 am

OP, your young people will not grow up into financial adults if you keep covering the gap. And it sounds like in the years that you helped them, they didn't get prepared by stuffing some of the extra money from her job or your support into a bank account so that they can carry a shortage here and there. So, I'm leaning towards a tougher love approach because it doesn't sound like they are planners or naturals at this stuff.

Help comes with input. They want some money to put them onto a new financial path, they need to become educated. They have to read a few financial books that cover things like budgeting, living frugally, avoiding pitfalls. There are many choices. This you can gift them. You can help them learn to shop better, cut coupons, or watch the kids while they sit down with their spreadsheets and envelopes and tackle the job. Non-monetary pitching in to help them learn is a positive with the exception of becoming a daycare. But if you catch pasta at 40 cents a box, call them and ask them how much they would like you to pick up (they buy) or if you walk into a store and see children's shoes 90% off, help them out by putting them on hold.

Whatever you do, do not cover their shortages ever, ever, ever. The last thing in their learning process is unbudgeted expenses. They need a budget that shows income from work reduced by savings, followed by a complete listing of every single expense they need to meet from absolutely necessary to optional. If you cover a necessary expense like rent or the car insurance bill, they just won't learn what it means to budget for it, won't relate to the expense, and I can almost guarantee you that the eating out or clothing budget will end up inflated because they will have no relationship to the $600 car insurance bill that arrives every 6 months in the mailbox. They need to pay their own car insurance, telephone bill, electric bill.

I would also avoid the temptation to give them a monthly amount because it becomes a reliance. The advantage of that is that if you stand strong on shortages because you gave $100 or $200 at the beginning of each month. But, you already did that with support and they don't know how to budget 5 years later. So you have a track record already.

Now for some positive options: match what they save. They can open a savings account and you can match what they save. So if they deposit $200 during July and August and it is still there is November, gift them $200 or whatever is appropriate. Encourage savings because savings is really the key towards long term financial health. Everyone experiences months of shortage. But those months should be far fewer than months of surplus.

And if you just want to cut ties with their life and not micromanage and are compelled to give, just pick an amount give it with the firm promise (and follow through) that this is it and mean it.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jun 16 2015, 3:14 pm

It can take a few years for a couple to settle in comfortably with their budget after being supported. This is especially so if their family is growing. I'm in no position to advise you on what to do, but having been that young couple, I can tell you that after a few years, we were able to "learn the ropes", but it was definitely after making financial choices that were not the best. This is how it goes if support was provided up until then.

notshanarishona

Tue, Jun 16 2015, 3:42 pm

LittleDucky wrote:

Most women are working very part time in minimum wage jobs.
Most of the time they are very busy with being young mothers.

amother

Coral

Tue, Jun 16 2015, 3:55 pm

I've got a different take on this, DH and I not agreeing on how much to help, but that's a spin-off, here.