DD still not performing after fresh start

lubmommy

Thu, May 10 2007, 4:22 pm

My DD switched schools this year b/c she was not doing anything at her last school. We thought she just needed a fresh start but she hardly hands in any homework and is getting 30's and 40's on tests. How can I stop her downward spiral before she is even a teenager?

HindaRochel

Thu, May 10 2007, 4:38 pm

What has she said about why her grades are low? Have you had her to a medical doctor to check for ear trouble, eye trouble or other medical issues? Tested for learning disabilities? Had her speak to a child psychologist? What other symptoms is she displaying? Is she having any other difficulties social, intellectually, emotionally, physically?

lubmommy

Thu, May 10 2007, 8:51 pm

She is almost 13 and she is doing ok socially and much better emotionally than last year in her old school. She sees the school counselor once a week and likes her. She doesn't have medical problems (other than allergies) but has not been tested for learning disabilities.

We sat her down tonight and spelled it out for her. If she doesn't start performing in school she won't be able to go into the eighth grade, and then what?! here she comes

HindaRochel

Fri, May 11 2007, 12:18 am

Make certain she hasn't any learning difficulties. Some are harder to detect than others.

And then:
Ask. Ask her what is going on in school. Ask her if she has difficulties learning the material, or if she just doesn't like school. Ask her what her ideal school situation would be. Not cross examine and not with a goal of having her learn harder. Try and get her to open up to you.

Maybe she isn't scholar material. Maybe her tafkid is somewhere else...in being a giving mother, in doing hesed in art in whatever.

The other thing to do is stop making it your problem and leave it be her problem. If she asks for help the give it to the best of your ability, otherwise, if she does her homework or not is up to her. If she studies for her tests or not is up to her.

It will then cease to be an area of conflict and become her job and most likely, at least with most children, they become more responsible because it is there issue, not the parents, and thus not a source of rebellion or whatever.

su7kids

Fri, May 11 2007, 10:14 am

I beleive there are learning difficulties that even very bright children have, and that they can't process the information properly. It doesn't mean she doesn't know or she's lacking in intelligence, she's probably very smart, and yu're right, if you don't get it now, the self-esteem is going to go and she'll look for inappropriate ways to find what she's lacking.

I strongly recommend Dr Mel Levine, his book "A Mind at a Time" and "The Myth of laziness" and he has a website www.allkindsofminds.org

He talks about different learnign styles and has a very positive approach to helping kids with learning differences.

Many schools are being trained to use his methods, and depending on where you are located, you may find someone who does the testing. Its fascinating.

I had my son dnoe in 8th grade, and he was blown away and came out saying "I'm not stupid!" with a big grin on his face!!

New York has a lot of schools involved and I know someone in Los Angeles who is frum and does the tsting, but if you look on the site you can find if there is someone near you who does it.

It is such a positive approach, its great for anyone with challenges.

Good luck!

bigmomma

Fri, May 11 2007, 10:19 am

You could try the Arrowsmith program, I don't know who runs it, I read about it recently and Rabbi Shain in Crown Heights has a program, the name slips my mind, it's called Mind-something.

southernbubby

Fri, May 11 2007, 10:21 am

Can the teachers keep you informed via phone, note or email what is assigned for the week or month so that you can make sure she hands in her work? Could a high school student tutor her before a test? Could she take part of a test orally? Could she retake tests or be held accountable for turning in work, albeit late? Even if she is learning disabled, do you want to cripple her further by not requiring her to follow through with her assignments?

Mama Shifra

Fri, May 11 2007, 5:06 pm

HindaRochel wrote:

Make certain she hasn't any learning difficulties. Some are harder to detect than others.

This is very, very important. Your child could have ADD or a learning disability. Often a child who is smart can cope in the earlier grades and then when the work load gets harder, the learning issue becomes more of an obstacle.

HindaRochel wrote:

Maybe she isn't scholar material. Maybe her tafkid is somewhere else...in being a giving mother, in doing hesed in art in whatever.

Hinda Rochel is bringing up another point. Your child may need a LIFE beyond school. Maybe she needs something else to become an expert at; it could be swimming, art, music, Chesed, baking (girls usually love this), etc. If your local Y or JCC has classes and you can afford them, you should consider them. Ask her what she would like doing. The March 2007 issue of the Jewish Observer had an article about ADD and one of the recommendations for children with ADD was to get them a hobby.

Good luck!
Shifra