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Budgeting hopelessness :(



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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Mon, Jan 04 2016, 11:25 pm
In the past I was very financially conscious and managed well but lately it's more like I dont want to see

Because of the New Year a bunch of money-saving blogs I follow (and ones that I don't follow but get shared on social media) have these "get your spending in shape this year" type of posts. And I'm like, yeah I really need to do that.

So I add up all my income.
And then I add up all my fixed expenses.
And before I've even gotten up to anything else, my expenses are already higher than my income.
And at that point I start getting heart palpitations and throw my hands up in the air and give up the whole bad job.
Sad

I am already working about as hard as I can and switching jobs would be a bad idea at this point for a number of reasons (for one, I first switched into this job recently, and any change is a huge stress. Plus the job is good for me in many ways and it's doubtful I would get another that is better anyway.) In addition to my regular job I also do freelance work, though I feel like I'm stretched so thin right now I would rather cut back on my freelancing than add more.
DH is "between jobs" and has been looking but not very aggressively or successfully so far.
We already get a tuition break for our school-age child, the other child is in the cheapest daycare in town, and yes we're using BC.
We are already on medicaid and food stamps.
One family member requires therapy that runs over $500 a month and isn't covered by anything.

I just feel so hopeless that I can't even stand to think about any of this.
Our emergency-backup savings have been shrinking slowly since DH left his old job, I kept thinking well it's just a little and just temporary but now they're really low and I'm feeling so stressed.
This is the first time in my life that I'm just sitting here looking at my bank account and not knowing whether to push off the rent or the daycare because I can't cover both. I am owed money from work that should be here in a couple of weeks but meanwhile I feel...broke.

So what smartypants budgeting advice do all the clever bloggers have for me, huh?
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amother
Violet


 

Post Mon, Jan 04 2016, 11:40 pm
What is your husband doing in the meantime? Can he do any temporary jobs like data entry or tutoring?

Best advice is to Daven. It's the only way to really solve these issues. BTDT. It works!
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Mon, Jan 04 2016, 11:48 pm
He's trying but nothing is coming up. He signed up as a tutor in a few different places but there's just no demand. He is doing some unpaid intern-type work in his field just to keep his resume fresh but so far no paid jobs have come through.

Davening doesn't seem to work for me. It seems G-d just wants my life to be super stressful. You wish this is even the biggest stress in my life. It is more like a constant background noise headache stress except for right now when it's time to pay the bills and the money isn't here yet.

Besides davening, last year (as of Rosh Hashanah) was the first time in a while that I am absolutely positive that I gave maaser 100% accurately. I thought that was supposed to be the guarantee that you can test Hashem with. Well I tried it many years but was never quite sure I did it right, but this time I KNOW I got it right, checked off every last cent to worthy tzedakahs, and 3 1/2 months later I am falling into a hole. So much for that. Crying
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TwinsMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 12:11 am
temporary hole. you're going to be ok.

you said you're already freelancing along with working. Can your husband spend time while you're working finding options for employment for both you AND him? You come home from work with ten places to apply laid out for you? If you're on medicaid and food stamps you're not making enough money and could do something else. Can he also be lining up more freelance clients for you, while taking some of the cooking/cleaning stress so that you can make more money in the evenings? If he's not working, he can be doing so much to help you--- employment searching for both of you, lining up more freelance clients, cooking/cleaning....

My husband doesn't work all summer. I'm self employed--- so I make him do my bank runs, post office runs, deliveries... it's helpful. Put hubby to work. Smile

if your kid needs $500 worth of therapy a month and you're on medicaid, why isn't medicaid covering it?

davening for you!
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 12:21 am
Why isn't medicaid covering it - Out of network, the network people were not working out for us. One of my kids is supposed to get other therapy as well that medicaid isn't covering either and that I can't even think about paying OOP.

DH is not that take-over type. I wish. He is doing his part to improve his own employability, working hard at an internship, applying for jobs - not exactly sitting around all day. And he helps at home but not enough for me to take an extra job without killing myself.

I am not interested in switching my job at the moment. I considered different options before taking the one I have and there is a lot that went into the equation. I haven't been there that long and before this I had a gap in my employment so it would look really bad for me to leave already. It's a good setup and any other job I could get would not pay ENOUGH more to make it worth the extra stress of a job that doesn't "work."

It's not such a temporary hole, because the shrunken savings are not coming back anytime soon - I'll be lucky if I can get back to breaking even - and when I get paid in a couple of weeks that will have to go to the bills I am not able to pay this week, which means I will be behind again next month, ad infinitum. I'm panicking.
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TwinsMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 12:30 am
we're in a different position being that we're not on food stamps, but if my kids' insurance doesn't cover something, I find a way to get it covered rather than pay $500 a month out of pocket. if insurance will cover therapists in network, find someone in network who WILL be worthwhile--- it's hard work--- but much easier than finding $500 a month out of pocket when you're on food stamps and can't pay the bills.

My other thought is daycare--- I love that your husband is trying to find work, but while doing so, can he also keep the kiddo at home and do employment searching during naptime / while baby plays on the floor next to him/ etc? I worked while my twins were babies and was on the computer while they were on the gymini and on the phone while they were in the baby swings, etc. Not easy, but do-able in a pinch. I didn't want to pay for daycare.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 12:42 am
Thanks for trying but when I said it's hopeless I really meant it.

DH is not the Mr. Mom type at all, but anyway it would never work. Daycare was the wrong word, I meant to say child care, the child is in nursery school and would go crazy being at home all day and drive DH crazy too. Plus then he wouldn't be able to do internships in the hope of graduating to paid work.

The right therapist can be a really delicate shidduch. We did try in-network therapists but finally got desperate enough to just take the best recommendation, and sure enough the quality was far better than anyone we'd tried in network but with no technical qualification that would let us argue for them to be covered. There's a limit to how much time and energy you can afford to waste on trying all the wrong therapists, and I'm not talking about convenience but I mean the problem getting worse. Also, when we started with this therapist we were able to pay the bills and now we aren't but it's the type of therapy where switching in middle would be really damaging.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 7:26 am
Call the school and explain to them that your husband is out of work and you need to pause payments at the moment and resume when your husband has a job. Don't ask for a scholarship - ask for a delay.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 3:31 pm
That actually might help a bit... I guess it was too embarrassing to think of before, since they're already giving us half off (and even that is technically a deferment, I do have dreams of paying it back but they basically know when they do that they're not counting on seeing the money anytime soon. It's more like a footnote in the scholarship application.) Not sure what they can do since it goes by direct deposit (or whatever the opposite is called) which is set up at the beginning of the year and handled by a third party. By the time of our automatic payment I should have more in the bank anyway. And we rent part of a private house and our landlord is nice about rent being late so that's also going to be ok. The only one I really need to pay now is the nursery, and because I'm putting off the rest I can cover that.

The part that stresses me out is this:
1. After I pay the nursery I have so little left it's scary. I'm not used to living literally hand-to-mouth, our budget was always just squeaking by but there was always a cushion and I always felt better just knowing the cushion was there. No more cushion. Stress.
2. I am worried this is going to be a continuing cycle - so the bills will get paid a couple of weeks late this month, but that's going to cut into the money we'll have available at the beginning of next month. Unless I win the lottery (which I don't even play...but I did impulsively join a pool at work today) I don't see how this cycle will ever end. I guess maybe DH will get a job one of these days but it's just been so frustrating so far I am hesitant to get my hopes up.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 6:04 pm
The school is in charge of the third party vendor. They can pause payments.

It sounds like your husband really needs to pitch in more.


Why don't you let some of this be his problem? Let him call the school. Let him work the bills and budget. Maybe it will be the push for him to be more proactive.
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Lady Bug




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 7:11 pm
I get the feeling that you are really stressed out. You are juggling work, childcare, and finances seemingly on your own. Where is your DH in all of this? Can he take over finances? Are the financial problems a symptom of something else?

You're in a rough patch right now. You need to focus on getting by today without worrying about the cycle continuing in the future. In the future, DH will get a well paying job and you will iyh replenish+ your savings. Focus on the moment and on covering today. Also, think about your career and where you see yourself in a few years from now and start working towards it.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 9:01 pm
One little idea- I am also on food stamps and sometimes I feel like I can cut back on food but not on other costs that need to be paid in cash. If you could eat simply and ask the day care if you could pay part of the fee bg paying their tab with your food stamps at the local store .... would that work?
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 9:14 pm
amother wrote:
One little idea- I am also on food stamps and sometimes I feel like I can cut back on food but not on other costs that need to be paid in cash. If you could eat simply and ask the day care if you could pay part of the fee bg paying their tab with your food stamps at the local store .... would that work?


What you suggest is illegal. This woman could lose her benefits for years if caught.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 10:14 pm
You need to sit down with your husband and start working together to come up with a plan. To me and to others here is it obvious that your husband needs to become a bit more of a Mr. Mom. I love Twin Mommy's ideas about him pitching in with the freelancing and job searching.

If he and you were in this budget together, I think he would be saying to himself, how can I be Mr. Mom. . . this nursery bill is killing us and really isn't necessary!

Don't try and figure this out alone. Work with him and figure out how to get to a balanced budget.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2016, 11:00 pm
Selling food stamps is soooooooo illegal. And unethical. Besides, I need food stamps for food. They don't provide that much and (ugh I hate the way I sound right now) one of my kids just aged out of WIC which is worth more than you'd think.

All the people saying my husband should do more in some area or another - maybe you have not been in this situation or maybe your DH is different but I'm finding this very delicate. He is so sensitive about the situation that I really can't push him at all. B"H B"H B"H he finally broadened his job search to include different types of jobs which is something I was hoping for for a while but he would not have responded to my suggesting it.

LadyBug DH is not going to get a well-paying job in the foreseeable future, he does not have very high qualifications or skills in any well-paying field. So even when he does get this dream job we're not out of the woods and may even be deeper in because we're going to lose benefits. But it's the only way to even think of getting anywhere because obviously where we are now is not workng.

And guess what just when I was feeling like I reached my stress limit the therapist tells me we missed a payment and now I have to pay up two payments at once, like now. Just what I needed. At least at the same time I'm told my payment is coming in one week for some work I did a while ago. But that was going to help with the upcoming tuition autopay. See, it just keeps going around in circles - plug up one hole and it starts pouring out somewhere else.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2016, 8:20 am
I can totally relate Exploding anger

I just asked schools to delay autopay for December, it only means that I'll owe two months in two weeks and can't pay even one Rolling Eyes

We're in a place where we don't qualify for any programs but can't pay our bills, we cover most bills but not tuition. I feel it's part of Hashems plan and waiting for something to change.
I do believe Yeshuas Hashem Keherof Ayin!
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2016, 8:55 am
amother wrote:

All the people saying my husband should do more in some area or another - maybe you have not been in this situation or maybe your DH is different but I'm finding this very delicate. He is so sensitive about the situation that I really can't push him at all.


In each one of these threads, ppl with ideas are told "but your husband is different." Maybe the difference is in expectations and the willingness of those who are making changes to confront head on. Just something to think about! People are people and the natural state of a person is a couch potato as I've hear said. Moving from unable to able takes work.

I think you should look into a covered public preschool program. It sounds like you would qualify based on income level. You should also revisit the out of network therapy. I don't know what therapy is necessary but $500 a month is just massive.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2016, 10:12 am
OP, when my husband was out of work, we took one child out of nursery and left one in. The reason we chose to do that was because I knew that DH was able to deal with the one child very well and the other would have driven him crazy (the other child was also the older one and was really benefiting from school) so I hear you on that.

However, you and your husband really need to sit down and look at the total picture to figure out where he can pitch in more so that the burden is not all on your shoulders. You need to get your husband involved, even if it isn't in a financial capacity yet (meaning, he's not earning money).

I also know you said the out of network therapy is a necessity, but can you pause that for a few months or reduce sessions so that you have a little more room to breathe?
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2016, 9:30 pm
SRS, genuinely glad for you that you have never had the kind of shalom bayis situation brought on by a man who feels like he has failed to provide for his family. I don't know if you read things like the serial story in Mishpacha currently, I have friends who love to make fun of it, but in some ways it is so true - it is very hard on a man when the wife is stressed and working hard to make ends meet and then being asked to help out more is like pushing the knife in harder. I did a lot of suggesting and then begging for a while and then realized it was getting me nowhere or even doing a lot of damage besides for the frustration it caused to me. But since I started stepping back and giving him space, after a very frustrating while he actually started helping more, being more willing about helping, and now finally he has stepped up the job search which is what I had been thinking he should do all along. I guess he needed to come to it on his own. If I would have kept pushing we would probably not even be married anymore. Confronting head on does not always work in marriage, and the work of moving from unable to able is not mine to do (I am already working as hard as I can!)

I could look into public preschools though it would be really hard to take my child out of a nice frum environment. In any case it wouldn't happen overnight and since I am hoping to be in the black within a couple of months it seems a little dramatic.

I told you already we tried several alternatives with the therapy and this is the only thing that works. We already reduced the sessions to less than recommended and I don't think we can cut back more. I did send an awkward email to the therapist asking if they could give us a lower rate but I'm not so hopeful, at best maybe they'd offer an installment payment plan which I guess would help for today but leave us with the bill long term. Though maybe we will graduate from the therapy and eventually catch up on that.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 07 2016, 8:02 pm
Fuchsia, please reread. I did not use the term *confront*. I said to sit down with him, numbers in hand. Let him come to some logical conclusions.

What I wrote: "If he and you were in this budget together, I think he would be saying to himself, how can I be Mr. Mom. . . this nursery bill is killing us and really isn't necessary! "

I also did not say you needed to move him from unable to able. I'm saying that you need to stop carrying everything on your shoulders and he will figure out more things.

Again, there is often an assumption that those of us offering what I would consider to be common sense advice have not had shalom bayis issues (sorry, but I don't read any mishpacha or other magazine series, so I can't address that). I think that success with relationships, money, etc are often informed by approach and adopting a different approach can make a difference. I personally strive to adopt different approaches when things are exploding in my own home and we all have challenges that require new approaches.

If you are unwilling to re-explore the big ticket items (therapy and a different child care arrangement), then you need to get your husband to come to the conclusion quickly that he must start doing what it takes to get back to equilibrium. At some point, something must have gone right that you were able to have emergency back-up savings. So I think you have it within the two of you to move back in the direction you want to be in.
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