Should I send my 15 year old son on the yeshiva weekend?

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, May 14 2017, 9:00 am

My 15 year old son struggles in just about all areas. Academic, socially, sports and everything else. Last year my husband and I encouraged him to go for the yeshiva shabbaton over the weekend. We felt it would be a good experience for him as he is afraid to go to sleep away camp and this way he would get some practice of helping and taking care of himself. The problem was that when he came home he said that he was very overwhelmed, he really missed his family and the boys saw he was very sad the whole time. I feel that to begin with it's a struggle for him socially, and for all his peers to see him so overwhelmed and missing his mommy makes him look pathetic and sets his relationship with his classmates back even further. On the other hand we are desperate for him to learn and grow and we want to push him into a situation where he will have to be somewhat on his own for a short while. The shabbaton is this coming shabbos and I'm not sure whether to send him or not. He would prefer not to go, but would go if we ask him to. I'm pretty sure he won't enjoy it, but he will be the only boy in his class that stays behind. Advice?

esuss

Sun, May 14 2017, 9:35 am

He already had the experience from last year and therefore will know what to expect. I would think that would make it a lot easier and more comfortable for him. I would send him. Maybe send him with a snack that he could share with the other boys or with a game that he can play with them. I am sure there is some downtime that he could enjoy this with his roommates.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, May 14 2017, 9:48 am

Absolutely. I was sent to camp way younger then that because I needed to learn to take care of myself, take showers without my mother. (It's partially my moms fault because she was scared I was gona drown in the bath.) She had to let go and then I moved overseas when I got married. I find when children have anxiety it's because the mother is feeding it to the child.
Mom: Oy your stomach hurts
Child: Ya I don't want to go to school etc.
Mom: Ok shefele stay home.
It's the mother that has to learn to wean off.
There's no reason for a bachur of that age to have seperation anxiety unless he was abused by someone then he is excused.
I am speaking from experience.

amother

Lilac

Sun, May 14 2017, 9:56 am

I think yes. Talk to a mechanech of that place to be mekarev him a little. To make sure one or two good hearted boy looks at his side during the weekend. That mechanech can help opening new horizons during such a weekend. If he will hate anyway after the tryes it will also be a learning experience. If he will still only have bad memories this second time I would take him to a frum psychologist (not mentor not coach)

macadamia

Sun, May 14 2017, 9:59 am

Someone I know the separation anxiety was built by her own mom. She said oh chana (making up a name here) is very attached to me. She does not wanna go to bobbie. Etc numerous times. Then Chana is too attached to home. Doesnt wanna go to camp. Later Chana s parents divorced and even when chana lived with dad she could not see herself going to camp ever becaise of selfish mom. Who used her for her comfort.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, May 14 2017, 10:00 am

amother wrote:

A lisenced therapist is more important.

SixOfWands

Sun, May 14 2017, 10:28 am

Of course it's always the mother's fault. Rolling Eyes

I'd let him stay home. I just can't see how pressuring him into being with a group of people he doesn't want to be with, in a situation that might affect his already tenuous social status in the future, could possibly benefit him.

Help him find his strengths, even if they're not typical to boys in his group. Maybe he struggles with team sports, but could swim, or do karate, or play tennis. Maybe he struggles academically, but loves to read. Maybe he's artistic.

Encourage him to find friends like him. They may be younger than him (my strong suspicion is that he'd do better in a slightly younger peer group) or outside of yeshiva. And when he's ready, to have a night away from home on a weeknight, when he could call if he needs to.

amother

Blonde

Sun, May 14 2017, 11:07 am

I agree with six of wands.

My daughter had severe separation anxiety as a child and got over it, BH.

She did not go to her school weekend last yr, and I did not push. She decided on her own to go this year.

Your son went last year, and knows the drill. He's old enough to make the choice.

amother

Azure

Sun, May 14 2017, 12:45 pm

Not sure how relevant it is to this shabbos, as it's very soon, but are you giving him coping skills or just expecting him to figure things out as he goes? If the latter, it doesn't seem to be working too well (as is the case for many people). Perhaps a professional should be involved to guide you or him in overcoming some of his difficulties using real tools.

Chayalle

Sun, May 14 2017, 5:41 pm

Do you have relatives you can send him to for Shabbos, where he would be comfortable, and get used to going away/being on his own?

One of my nieces used to be like this...she'd get very homesick and anxious if she was away from her family. My girls are close to her age, and some time ago we had a ride in for her to Lakewood, they were dying for her to come, they are very close....

She was afraid she'd be too homesick, so I told her honey, I'm your mother's sister. You can be homesick at my house, it's not a problem. If you need a hug, or anything at all, you can tell me.

She came and had a great time! I didn't hear a word about homesickness, it was cousins bonding all Shabbos.... and my sister said that since then, she has become less anxious about going away. She has gone to a friend...she knows it's okay, she will be alright, and if she needs to, she can reach out to an adult (which never happens....she just needs the reassurance.)

octopus

Mon, May 15 2017, 8:22 am

I also agree with six of wands. I'm not a big fan of forcing kids to do extra curricular that they don't want to do. You can try to convince, but you can't force. I also agree with six of wands that if your son is struggling in so many areas, it's really important to find something outside the box that he is good at that will build him up.