How can I help my child?

amother

Cerise

Tue, May 16 2017, 12:21 am

My son's principal called and said he is very very shy to adults and only talks in a whisper to them. With his classmates he is fine and talks normally and we know that he has plenty of friends. As a child I was also very shy and self conscious and I am still somewhat socially anxious. I don't want my child to grow up and be like me. How can I help him?? I am not self confident and I am probably not the best role model for this.

LittleDucky

Tue, May 16 2017, 3:05 am

Do you know why he is like this? Many times it is anxiety and therefore you want to break the cycle of "someone asks a question- feel anxious- don't speak- someone else answers for me- my anxiety goes down". Otherwise he will likely just go deeper and deeper into the rut of not speaking.
You want to try and not have anyone speak for him. Tell the teachers your plan and if someone does answer for him, say "please let Chaim speak. He has good thoughts and I want to hear his opinion..." And listen.
Don't assume what he wants/needs or is asking for. If he whispers, have someone gently ask him to say it louder. "Sorry I am not hearing things well today. Please repeat it" which doesn't put it as his fault but gives him the chance to speak.

Also, please don't label your child as shy. This "excuses" his lack of speech. And answers for him. Yes, some kids aren't social butterflies or extroverts. But that clearly isn't what is happening here since he has lots of friends and is loud with them.
You might want to ask teachers to give forced answer questions as well... Relieves the anxiety by having to formulate answers but still requires him to verbally ask. "Do you want to play ball or go on the playground during recess?" Do you want red or blue etc. no questions that he can nod for- encourage him to speak and reward appropriate behaviors (talking clearly, loud enough etc) with prize charts (you didn't specify an age and if that might work for him).
Answering for him or excusing it just reduces the anxiety short term but makes it worse long term...

Hatzlacha!

imasinger

Tue, May 16 2017, 6:54 am

Ask for an assessment, if possible.

In many cases, the right therapist can help with selective mutism, if that is the diagnosis. Teacher training is also really important. A lot of kids seem to just grow out of this anxiety driven behavior, if it's handled right.

How does he behave with other adults in your home? What is your impression of the personality of the teacher?

And how old is he?

amother

Amber

Tue, May 16 2017, 1:56 pm

I also recommend therapy. My niece is like this - outgoing and friendly with other children, almost never speaks to adults. Whether it's a social anxiety issue, or selective mutism, or another anxiety issue, a good therapist can help him overcome this and build his self esteem as well.