What to do when You've Really, Royally Messed Up?

amother

Fri, Jun 29 2007, 3:15 pm

Quote:

I read in one chinuch book that one inappropriate punishment will be remembered by a child much more than 100 kisses and hugs..

yes, maybe it's true...until they have children of their own. I used to remember all the times when my mother was unfair to me, thinking she was not the best mother...Until I had kids of my own and realized mothers are human, we try our best but we slip up sometimes Confused

amother

Sun, Jul 01 2007, 2:38 am

I've heard from a speaker once that whatever you messed up that was "bashert" for your child, he had to go through that. You have to focus on the future so it shouldn't happen again. Dwelling on the past, eating yourself up with guilt is like you're saying it's all in my hands, it's all my fault, it's not Hashem that was doing it, I was doing it. Whatever happened was "meant" to happen and you have no choice. Your only choice is for the present and future.

songbliss

Wed, Jul 04 2007, 11:06 am

su7kids wrote:

I'm debating about this "sorry" idea. If you hit your child and then say you're sorry right away, its the behavior of abusive people.

I think there is a way to apologize without making the child feel that whatever they did was OK. Sometimes we hit them when they just are being themselves, and normal little kids, but I also think there are degrees to sorry.

Don't do a "sorry" and then reward with hugs and kisses and extra treats, otherwise they'll learn to behave in that manner to deal with the "short term" pain of a putch, so they can get the long term benefit of the hugs and kisses and extra treats.

I think they should get that extra stuff anyway, and not as part of the "sorry".

I also found sometimes walking away was the right thing to do. And then come back and hadn out the "discipline" when YOU are calmer.

no no no... not like that...
if you do something that YOU were incorrect in doing thats when you apologize! you dont apologize if the kid did something wrong & you punished him/her.

also if you hit its okay. its not okay if you beat up a kid!! if you hit out of anger instead of love thats when its wrong. however if you are NOT out of control and are FULLY aware that you now have a choice of punishment, and you know that a nice patch will teach the child a lesson that wont have to be repeated more than once or twice, theres nothing wrong.

I hate how the mentality today forbids hitting. we were hit, our parents were hit, and we are all b''h considerate people, who understand the difference between right & wrong.

by the way on a side point... I've noticed in years of babysitting & working with kids & in general just seeing the community. the kids with very strict & stern parents are actually the nicer kids. the kids with parents who do not discipline enough turn out a little bit rotten... obviously depending on their situation.

never be sorry if you were strict. I'd be more sorry if I let my kid do what he/she wanted & they turn out spoilt!

amother

Thu, Jul 12 2007, 12:04 pm

I think the amother before songbliss is right on target. We may believe we messed up, but really its part of Hashem's plan, He is pulling the strings and runniing this show. So if you're thinking: Oh my G-d what a bad decision etc., it was a decision that was meant to be. And yes, we can't go back and change those "bad, harmful decisions". We do only have the present and future.

amother

Sat, Jul 21 2007, 7:08 pm

OP here, an update.

I think its really never too late...just as it wouldn't be too late to repair my my relationship with my mother now that I am 35 and she is nearly 70...

The update: I have been fighting with my impatience with my kid. He has special needs and it is a challenge, but I have been working to develop a more warm relationship with him (yet not permissive.)

We had an especially good day today and before he went to bed he said, " Thank you Hashem for giving me Ima!" Very Happy

(okay I set that one up because I tell him at night "thank you hashem for giving me --his name-- but it is nice to hear it back!!)

happymom

Sat, Jul 21 2007, 9:53 pm

Quote:

Other issues is I have made some major choices based on advice I have been given...

I just read something recently that is so true:

"if you are too open minded, all types of people will come along trying to fill up your mind with all different kinds of things...."

its good to get advice BUT mothers have instincts and if u feel something is wrong, even though THE BEST person gave u the advice, follow your feelings, U are the mother, U know ure kid best.

I send my daughter to a playgroup after she turned two to try it out and it was the "best" I found. I serioulsy went to tonz to find one. anyways, I left her there three times for 45 minutes, and each time, she cried. I decided to take her out because I DID NOT have a good feeling about it and I KNEW she didnt like it. people tried to tell me how its jhust so hard for her to get used to since shes been home with me bla bla....and also that I should let her cry for at least two weeks. (shes only two I would NEVER let her cry that long! Rolling Eyes

) it WASNT TRUE. I found a wonderful place in someones house. I sent her for 2 hours in the mornings. she LOVED IT and did not cry ONCE. the teacher was loving and there was only four other kids... she LOVED them, and was very happy and loving all the time. my daughter would say bye mommy u can leave, pick me up later and run happily. so I was right. she cried at the first playgroup because she felt overwhelmed, and didnt like it. so, follow ure instincts when it comes to ure own kids!