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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
7 yr old won't dress himself



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amother
Brunette


 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 11:33 pm
DS has some motor and focusing issues which make getting dressed more challenging that for other kids, but he can do it just fine. The problem is, he usually absolutely will not. It becomes a whole power struggle almost every time. We have dome charts, which work for a short time, natural consequences (less/no time to do things he wants), I lay his clothes out in order so the sequencing part is taken care of.... Should I just give up? How important is it that he do do it himself?
I assume that by the time he goes to yeshiva he will do it without my nagging, bez"H.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 12:11 am
My 4.5 year old had a difficult year due to medical reasons, and regressed in many ways including emotional. Bh he is getting better now, but it takes a lot of effort to move forward.
My son needs me to help him get dressed, he wont attempt without me. I tried the incentives, but he needed me there emotionally so I realized it wont help.
This is what I started doing, and so far bh it is starting to work. Firstly, we made getting dressed not a chore, but a time to converse. I start taking off his pajamas to show I am really doing something. While talking, I start off each piece of clothing, or hand it to him. After he is dressed, I use positive reinforcement and point out to him how much he did by himself. Each time, I give less support but still staying in his room until completely dressed. We are not there yet, but I plan on staying him him for at least a couple of days while he does everything by himself, for emotional support.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 1:58 am
Thanks! I have been doing that for a long while, and there has been little/no progress in this. I think he sees me as responsible for making sure he is dressed, and I need to hand that responsibility to him. Or maybe not?
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 2:07 am
amother wrote:
Thanks! I have been doing that for a long while, and there has been little/no progress in this. I think he sees me as responsible for making sure he is dressed, and I need to hand that responsibility to him. Or maybe not?


I tend to be very laid back about these sorts of things (I feel like every kid matures at his own pace...), every parenting style is different, but I personally would recommend that you just continue to dress him for now. He's only 7. In a couple of years he will IY"H most likely be more than willing to dress himself. Good Luck. Tongue Out
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 2:14 am
Do you notice any difference on school days vs days off? My DD is 7 and she often "refuses" to dress herself on school days and I end up mostly dressing her. I have realized that she is really just tired (she is not a "morning person"), plus perhaps the rushed feeling of a school day morning makes her shut down. On days off, when she has time to feel really awake before getting dressed, and when there isn't a time pressure, she usually does it herself.

But to answer your question, personally, as long as he has the ability/skills to do it himself, I wouldn't make a big deal about it and would assume he will outgrow the need to be dressed by you.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 3:04 am
My child is similarly aged and doesn't dress himself. He is going to OT regularly. I can see that he can but he doesn't. I think mostly bec he got it into his head that it is too hard. I started just trying to make space in my heart for his difficulties and not trying so hard to fix him. I try to offer though. "Here is your pajamas. Can you put them on. " sometimes he will. Mostly not but it is good practice and builds confidence. I try to bring it to his attention when he us successful.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 4:16 am
My DD is 6.5 and also can dress herself but doesn't like to. Her OT feels it's something she should be doing. My DH doesn't mind helping her if he is home, if he isn't I will sometimes help her but usually push her to do it herself.
DH sometimes helps and sometimes act as a 'cheering squad' with a running commentary on what she's doing (like a radio announcer for a sporting event). She loves the attention and it seems like she tries to go faster so he'll have to talk faster or be unable to keep up.
The other thing that has worked is a race of some sort. Can you be dresses by the time mommy comes out of the bathroom? Who's going to be dressed first, you or mommy? Can you be dressed by the time your farina is ready?
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 8:32 am
Sorry this is a bit long, but we had great success in this area with our DD. She is younger than your son, but also has motor issues and is just a slow moving child which can sometimes interfere with her staying on task in a timely fashion (we're on ADD watch, but she doesn't meet the criteria now)

We realized there are a few issues in the case of dd - number 1 is that getting dressed is genuinely hard for her physically, number 2 was her confidence level (or lack thereof) in her own abilities, and number 3 is wanting company while she does it.

We took several months of work, and she went from having us get her dressed with a lot of fights and time-wasting, to her getting herself dressed completely on her own in under 15 minutes without us even asking her to every single morning - took about 9 months total to get there. Here's what worked for us.

First of all, we overhauled her wardrobe to only include clothes she can put on herself completely - no zippers in the backs of clothes, no buttons (now she can do buttons, but she couldn't when we started), no snaps in the back or sides - even if your kid can do them, it makes it much harder, so if your son doesn't need button down shirts, skip them, or maybe polo shirts if possible. All shirts and skirts/pants had to have a clear label in the back and/or picture in front so she can easily identify which way is forwards or backwards. All underpants have a picture in the front or clear tag in the back (and not half and half, to keep it clearer). We bought her socks with colored heels so she could tell whether they were forwards or backwards. All clothes were not even a little tight or a little small so she could get them on easily.

Also, when we buy clothes I let her pick out clothes when possible (even second hand stuff, or firsthand from the store), and I supervise her picking out her clothes every night before bed - she seems more eager to put on clothes she picked out herself from when we bought them and when deciding what to wear the next morning. This may not work for every kid, but it did for us.

And another note, this involves sticker charts as part of it, and we found that letting her pick out super cool or fancy stickers really helped as well (think shiny/sparkly, holograms, or color changing, or fuzzy, or scratch n sniff, or with a picture of something they love). They cost more, but it is worth it. Every few weeks as you go on, you can take him to pick out new stickers to keep it exciting.

Here are the steps:

First step: we made a reward chart for us getting her dressed in under 10 minutes (it was actually taking us 20 minutes minimum to get her dressed because she was getting distracted, or stalling, or walking away, etc). We made that chart and didn't say a word about her dressing herself for several months. With the chart, it was by week, and each day she would get a sticker if it took us less than 10 minutes to get her dressed - for the first week, she had to get 3 stickers in order to get a prize at the end of the week (it took more than 1 week to get her there). After 2 weeks of that, we moved up to 4 stickers to get a prize, then after another 2 weeks or so to 5 stickers, etc. all the way up to 7 stickers. We then gave her a prize every week she got 7 stickers, and continue this way for several weeks/months. In our case, we used jewelry as a prize, since it is something she wanted and I felt it was related to getting dressed (e.g., if you can make sure to be wearing your clothes on time, then you can get something pretty to wear). But try and see what works for your 7 year old - we had to try several prizes before we hit on the one (jewelry) which worked. While this was going on, we constantly praised her for being able to get ready quickly, and never commented that we had to do it for her. We wanted her to feel good about her own achievements - focusing enough and participating physically in getting dressed, because those are acocmplishements for a child with motor/focus issues (even if we are seemingly doing half the work). This all addressed two of the issues above - building her confidence and keeping her company.

Second step: After a few months of that, we changed the chart to her getting herself dressed in under 10-15 minutes while we stayed with her and helped her with anything she needed help with. During this time, we taught her how determine which way her clothes go telling the front from the back, and then how to orient them - first, we would do it for her, and slowly asked for more input from her as time went on. While she was getting dressed, we would be right there next to her, same as when we dressed her - with some talking, and some guidance (e.g., try that shoe on your other foot, or your underpants are going to be backwards). We used the same reward system as before, but starting with just 1 sticker got a prize, then every 2 weeks or so increased the number of stickers, until we got up to 7 stickers every week for a prize. You may need to re-vamp the prize (we got better jewelry for this one). We did this for a few months. We constantly praised her abilities to get dressed on her own. During this time, we also tried to build up the value of independence and responsibility, and praised her for being independent in all areas of life (e.g. helping out without being asked, or doing anything on her own even if we did ask her like help clear the table). We wanted her to get the idea that we saw her as independent, capable, and responsible, but that we were with her every step of the way. We never criticized or commented on the days we had to get her dressed. This addressed all 3 issues above - building the motor skills, building her confidence, and keeping her company.

Third step: When we felt that her confidence overall was better and that she could physically dress herself easily, we changed the chart to her getting dressed on her own by herself, before she came out of her room each morning (bathroom allowed first if needed), telling her that we would come to her room as soon as she was dressed (she would call us to come) or she could come to us - for immediate praise etc (so she would feel like she got the missing attention now that we weren't sitting with her while she got dressed). We offered a bigger prize for this. We then repeated with the chart, thinking we would start small with 1 sticker, but she was apparently really ready, because she has done it every day since we started this one (with prizes). With time, we phased out the prizes, though she still gets the stickers. At some point, we will phase out the stickers as well.

Most importantly, we talked about each step for a few weeks before we actually implemented it, so that nothing would be a surprise and we would build up how great it will be when she can do it herself and how proud she will be and we will be. We never belittled the step she was at, and always praised her a lot. If there were times when she was very resistant to the idea of the next step, we would stop discussing it for 2-3 weeks, and then try again. During the time when we stopped discussing it, we made sure to build up her confidence by complimenting her abilities in other tasks that required motor skills and/or focus. We always let her go at her own pace and only pushed very very gently. Also, the sticker charts let them see their progress, so we never took any down -we have several months of sticker charts hung up over her bed. As long as she felt like she was moving forward, she was willing to keep trying to move forward, with occasional breaks in between. This whole thing could have easily taken 3 months or 3 years, the key is patience and positivity.

Good luck!
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 8:47 am
Wow!!! I am impressed and need to think about this. Today he got up early, had a quick shower and then I told him it is up to him to get dressed, and I am available to help. I wanted it to be his responsibility. He tantrumed, cried, told me he plans on finding another mother, etc., but a bit more than an hour later, he started, asked me for some help finding the clothing he had thrown all over the room, and to do his pants and socks. (My rule is I am happy to help with two things.) I praised his efforts and work a lot, he got the breakfast he wanted and went off B"H happy.
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