the affects of lashon hara

amother

Thu, Jul 12 2007, 9:00 am

Please read this without judging me or perhaps hinting there is some truth in the lashon Hara being spoken about myself and my family.
I simply want you to understand the dangers of lashon Hara and how they can affect an individual and a family. I
will not expose where I live as I believe what has gone on is a chillul hashem.
Three months ago I was simply a contented although busy mother of a large orthodox family. We don't have a large amount of money but have faith that we will get our bills paid somehow. After all Hakodesh Baruch Hu has a large bank account!!We don't own our home but rather pay an outrageous amount of rent. I work more hours at the moment than I care for and hence my house especially after the birth of our last child is messy and would never appear in the pages of home beautiful. My children have never gone without both love and a meal in their stomach or clean clothing. When clothing gets a hole I toss it simply because I do not want my children to be a target of other vicious children. When people dump shammtes on my doorstep which are threadbare and dirty I toss them. I wouldn't place on my child something that has gone through 5 kids...why would I when I toss out my sons and daughter's own worn out clothing. But my children do not own an xbox,their own cell phone etc and even if I did have the money I wouldn't be rushing out to buy these status symbols.
But recently after the birth of my last children a member of the community asked how she could help and came over with a friend of hers to discuss my needs. It was sort of pushed upon us. I politely said no thanks to Mrs X wishes to organize a cleaner... that we were ok and yes the house was a little messy because I had only just got home from hospital.The only time these 2 women have been in my house was the week after coming home from hospital and of course my house was a mess at that time. No one ever visits during a normal week. Everyone I know is busy with their own families. Two weeks later I came down with gastro erev shabbos and decided that on a temporary basis maybe I should accept Mrs x's 'kind offer'. She rang me up and explained she had connections with different government agencies and could get money out of them to 'help' us. The next day we had a prearranged visit by 2 ladies who introduced themselves as social workers from a local Jewish welfare agency. She asked if we knew why they were there. Of course I answered because Mrs x sent them along to see if cleaning help could be arranged as we have a large family. We talked a little bit at how cleaning help was not available. Then she leaned forward cleared her throat and said the following:
'accusations have been made against you that you have left your 2 young children home alone'
Well that completely floored me. Apart from the fact how would anybody know if we had and the fact on the ground that we never leave our kids alone!! She couldn't accept that I get everyone to school in the morning at 8.30am even in the rain simply because I have to. That we put all the kids in the car even the baby. She simply was disbelieving that we were organised enough to achieve what we claimed.We were then told that if we did not accept their help (ie no help at all other than being in our lives) they would have no choice but to contact the government agencies. They left with me crying my eyes out absolutely convinced that the government would take my beautiful children and put them in non jewish homes. They also said that it was obvious I was not coping as there was a pile of pajamas on my living room floor. Even explaining to them that I had to get the kids out to school and go to a mummy and me session and my newborns weigh in at the local health nurse at 9.30am was not a good enough explanation. Apparently to have anything out of place is a sign of not coping...then I guess the majority of my friends are not coping!! They admitted that even if the accusations were not true that we could not prove it!!! Their simple conclusion was that since they did not feel that they could do the same then obviously we were leaving our little ones at home.
They called the next week with further accusations from my sons' school principle that all my kids smell, are not clean often come without lunch to school etc. They claimed that we had no beds in the house and that we were unable to provide for my children (obviously) because we had accessed the community freezer too many times. Yes we had accessed the freezer 3 times in the past 3 months....once when my son was born (and meals were extended without us making a request ...at the time we thought it was sweet as we have no family here!!), 2 weeks later when I got very sick erev shabbos (incidently if it had been anyday but shabbos my kids would have had sandwiches but we contacted the community because we assumed they were there for emergencies and shabbos is not a time for sandwiches!!) and the week before the last visit by the 2 social workers when my toddler and I went to hospital...once again erev shabbos...as he was dehydrated from vomiting (gastro that was going around the community complicated by a medical condition). Once again if it had been any other day than erev shabbos and shabbos my children would have been happy with sandwiches or an instant meal or eggs.....
We have since heard that people in the community have being talking about us and has been confirmed by 2 very reliable sources. I went to a meeting the other night and was quite obviously snubbed by a woman who is quite against large families (especially since she was told to stop for medical reasons...a bit like a reformed smoker) They said that we had no choice but to let them check out my childrens bedrooms to make sure we did have beds for them. They questioned my laundry skills.
We have since received letters from my children's' morning teachers confirming that my children arrive to school clean, neat, not smelly and with lunches. I do have one son with a medical condition he's had since grade1 (one which he has to control not us his parents) which causes him to soil his pants without knowing it. My childrens schools' playground has dirty disgusting tanbark which when touched or fell over in makes you dirty. They come home usually quite disgusting. I shower my children every second day at night time. I wash their clothing everyday. They do not wear the same clothing twice unless it went in that night through the wash. They cannot walk past me smelly as I have a nose like a bloodhound and can't stand smells. My husband when he has fish has to stand 2 meters away from me!!
Several educators from the community have apologized on behalf of those who are carrying out a smear campaign against us. We were told it is because there are those in the community who think that if you are not rich you should not have a large family. The lady who started the ball rolling with the initial accusation of having a messy house has a babysitter, house cleaner and cook, etc etc etc. I am sure that if I had a set up like that my home also could be super clean and organised.
So why is lashon hara so bad? Well as I've already stated 3 months ago I was a happy mother of a large family....happy with my lot. Now...now I am probably most likely depressed. I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and chest, I keep crying every couple of days when I stop to think...cannot help but go over events in the past...isolated events but ones that now fit a huge jigsaw puzzle (like when a girl in the community told her father that one of my children was wearing a pair of shoes not her size in Shul during shavuot. Her father saw my husband in shul and handed him some money and told him it was for shoes. However they never asked us the full story. My daughter who is stubborn as a goat wanted to wear her brother's shoes. Rather than have a tantrum on Yom Tov we just let her as my husband davened around the corner. I now wonder did this family not stop there and continue having a conversation about us with their other well meaning friends in the community about that irresponsible family whose kids don't even have shoes.)
I wonder constantly who has/is talking about us. I am now starting to doubt my own parenting skills. My children have had a very miserable 2 weeks because of what has happened. I am dreading them going back to school knowing full well that their peers have probably most likely heard their parents talking about us and are going to be teased for it.
We will never ask for help again from the community if we should ever in the future be faced with a crisis chas v'shalom or go on to have another baby in the future. That type of community help comes with a price which we are no longer willing to accept. If I could leave I would pack my bags and go. We get unsolicited advice that maybe we should stop having children to appease everyone. I feel like people think I am a lazy imbecile and a big fat slob who does not look after her children. I have no way to defend myself against those who are making the accusations.
So please guard your tongue. Words do hurt!

gryp

Thu, Jul 12 2007, 7:48 pm

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds horrible.
Exploding anger

Please keep strong for the sake of your husband and children. You know what they say: If the wife/mother isn't happy, nobody's happy. You don't want a miserable household.
It doesn't sound like you live next to me, but I wish I could help somehow.

purplegirl

Sun, Jul 15 2007, 4:09 am

I am shocked shock

and very very sorry for the pain this is causing Sad

First of all, you sound like a very organized mother!!! Laundry every day? Always food to eat? Always in school on time? That's a whole lot! The most important thing is for your kids to be loved. Next comes fed and clean. Your kids are all three. You know and they know that they are cherished, and they are much better off than kids in immaculate houses whose parents don't hug them.

It seems pretty clear that you're being targeted because you're not wealthy. If you had money, you'd have cleaning help and they wouldn't have seen your house this way. And you wouldn't have turned to the community for food, you would have bought takeout, and then social services would never know. Do they think large families don't order takeout once a month? Or even small families - statistics say the average family gets takeout at least once a week! Pjs on the living room floor? puh-leaze, they're going in the wash anyway.

The people who came to check you out simply have no frame of reference for your life. They can't imagine coping with so many kids, so they project their experience onto you and conclude that you're not coping. ridiculous and absolutely... just ridiculous and stupid and horrible.

And that thing about your daughter wearing your brother's shoes - if it was a girl from a rich family, they would have assumed she'd thrown a tantrum and insisted, or got dressed on her own and came to shul. They assumed the worst because they're discriminating against your financial position.

Bottom Line: If you're a fantastic mother, which you sound like you are, ignore the morons, continue doing wonderfully, and we'll all daven that there should be no negative consequences to these nosy-people's intrusion.

Iy"H things will turn toward the better soon. {{{hugs}}}

greenfire

Sun, Jul 15 2007, 4:56 am

not an easy deal - especially with a new baby - and a community shunning you ... just keep doing what you're doing being strong ... and get whatever help they are offering so they can see you as a cooperating mom as well and then they will close the case as easily as they opened it ... sorry for the pain and the emotional upheaval it brought ... but take the reins ... how hard it must be to live around such people ... but accept my {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} and keep davening ...

amother

Sun, Jul 15 2007, 7:48 am

This is unbelievable. I also had a social worker "on my trail" too, but it was concerning another issue and was much less severe.

How invaded you must feel! Aren't there other needy families in the area?
This is why I won't let well-meaning people into my house after giving birth etc...because I co-sleep with my son and I"m afraid they'll tell the social workers that we don't have beds..

I think your story shows it pays to be a bit paranoid. I am alot like you, very little money, working long hours, do what I can in terms of food, laundry etc...I am just extremely careful about whom I allow into my home...I have been known to go without babysitting because I know that certain babysitter is a yenta and a neat freak...

mimivan

Sun, Jul 15 2007, 7:57 am

I feel terrible for you...
Yes, I have suffered the effect of lashon hara, but to a lesser degree.
Have you considered moving to a community with other people in your situation? It sounds like the majority of the people there are upper middle class and can't relate. You talk about very high rent...so that's how I surmise this.

We dont' have much money, but live in an area where there are alot of other people in our boat, so we aren't judged harshly. Like amother above, I am very careful around upper middle class people (usually anglos). I know I won't be judged by working class Israelis around here, and they are my neighbors..(although they can be real sticklers about cleaning)

shalhevet

Sun, Jul 15 2007, 8:07 am

The whole story is unbelievable. You sound like everything is fine and you're a great mother. Could you please show me someone without help who has their home neat and tidy a week (or a month) after giving birth???
As someone said they are simply projecting their values (neatness, money, small families etc) onto you. You say yourself that your children are loved, have food and clean clothes and are bathed. They go to school and everything sounds under control. So the house is a bit messy? Even if you are 3 months after birth now that sounds fine.

The way some people have behaved in the community is just terrible. Of course someone needs help after birth or if she is sick with newborns. Don't they just see that as the time everyone is going to need some help, whether paid or volunteer?

I don't know what to say, but be strong, because the only threat to your family now sounds like your misery. You need to think of this as a test from Hashem, and b"H it will very soon blow over. I am sure we are all davenning for you.

<<<Hugs>>>

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 4:53 am

Shalhevet is right, they are projecting their values on you. I went through the same (although b'h not as harsh!!) when I had my baby "too young". I went through tons of comments, even some doc telling me he hoped I wouldn't have a baby quickly. Exploding anger

Just for that age reason they sent me a social worker twice, and both saw everything was fine, I was not playing outside while the baby was starving, she was clean, dressed... now b'h it's finished, I almost don't get comments anymore from the town people except that she is cute and social and so well adjusted. If people don't stop, maybe you should consider relocating... Sad

I thought about it seriously but dh told me to wait and it would die down, and it did.

Maybe give yourself X months to see how things turn.

technic

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 5:10 am

what an appalling story Crying

....how can these pple live w themselves shock

amother

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 9:06 am

with such a situation, your friends will stick by you. the rest can go to gehenom. remember that there is a g-d in heaven who meters out justice.
keep your head up, and ignore the feelings of shame. you dont deserve to feel shame, so dont allow "them" to foist that garbage on you. DO focus on simcha. THAT you DO deserve.

gryp

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 9:12 am

exactly right, if you act guilty, people will think of you as guilty. v.v.

mimivan

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 9:19 am

GR...that is a very important thing to remember, and is a good reason why feeling guilty because of the influence of others is so damaging.

amother

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 10:04 am

I'm the original poster. Just an update...my husband spoke to the schools principle ( I felt I could not go as at the time I was just too emotionally fragile) who is absolutely disgusted by the allegations that were made in their name as this is not what they said about us. the principle told the social worker that we are a loving family, normal etc. Only one child has a medical issue with soiling but that is under control etc. No issues. The principle is going to contact this social workers 'boss' as this is not the first time she has claimed the school has said one thing about a child and being completely wrong or twisting facts. I personally cannot understand why the social worker has it in for us apart from being poor (financially) and having a large family knane hara.
It's being a hard 3 weeks....I've had to hide my emotional state from my mother as she is not supportive of large families in general. But I've found that now that the 3 weeks are over (especially the 9 days more so) my outlook has improved. I can now put my music back on LOUD etc. I have taken on board a dear friends advice not to become their victim...I will not give this social worker the pleasure!
We are going to take this further with the ombudsman. My biggest fear is that if in the future one of my children breaks a limb (chas v'shalom!!!) she will assume the worst.
I don't think I will trust anyone ever again. I never used to be like this despite being a private person.
I will have to have counseling in the future as I find I am angry especially with the social worker and the woman who wanted to arrange the cleaner (which incidentally we still haven't got and quite truthfully never really wanted!!) I never used to be an angry person.
We cannot move away as a different poster suggested as this community is really only in 3 areas and they are all expensive. If there was an Israeli section that's where I would be but there isn't. Unfortunately because this community is so 'small' there is a certain amount of familiarity and familiarity breeds contempt.
I do thank all of you who didn't judge me and gave me their emotional support. As I said before it was much appreciated during this emotionally draining time.

gryp

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 10:25 am

Hatzlacha, amother. Wishing you the best.

amother

Thu, Jul 26 2007, 10:42 am

Be very cautious who you go to for counciling.You don't want these people to find out, this too could be used against you in spite of the fact that they triggered this anger.You have the stregnth to get through!!