How to help kids deal with tragedy

Elyeyo

Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:36 am

. I am researching on how parents helped their kids deal with tragedy in their social circle eg the death of a classmate or friend

who would be willing to share with what their kids went through, how they tried to help them, what helped and what didn’t and their general experiences.a
.
The goal is to share information and to share tips/ ideas with other parents & families in similar situations

If you have anything to share I will be most grateful

amother

Rose

Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:49 am

Mr. klahr from chai life line.
Its best that you discuss with them the tragedy before their friends do. Obviously you discuss it with them age level appropriate they don't have to know the Gory details and stuff like that.
The reason why it's better for you to tell them as opposed to it coming from a friend is that children tend to exaggerate so if they hear it from their friends I
They can hear an exaggerated story and once the parent wants to say their version of the story it's too late.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Aug 06 2017, 1:58 pm

It's not quite the same, but when I was 7, the little sister of one of the kids in my class died. Most of us knew the little girl from the community though. I knew her very well, and was quite heartbroken when she died. At school, they had someone come in and talk to us about it, about death, how we should talk to our friend (who was sitting shiva), and other relevant topics. My parents also talked to me about it at home. Mainly, I had a lot of questions. A lot of questions. I didn't feel they were adequately answered, though I also feel that the questions may have been too hard to answer (e.g. why does an innocent 2 year old have to die? Why would Hashem do that? Did she do something wrong? But it isn't fair? etc.). I was old enough to ask the tough questions, but not old enough to understand there aren't good answers or accept big answers about Hashem being all-knowing etc or what seems bad vs what's really good etc.

I don't recall much of what was said in school. My parents discussed it with me for a few weeks on and off, mostly trying to answer my very big questions. I do remember feeling very sad, but worse than the sadness was the confusion. I guess however the grieving part was addressed was done pretty well, because I don't remember it too clearly. But, there needs to be more time dedicated to asking and answering questions. And not just immediately, but follow up every few weeks for months - it took me a long time to process what had happened (beyond the grieving, I mean the mental understanding of what happened), and new questions popped up for months, but everyone else had moved on and wasn't talking about it and there wasn't really anyone for me to ask questions to after the first few weeks. I think I also hesitated to ask because after people seemed to have put it aside, I didn't want to make them sad again by bringing it up. Leaving room for that sadness, by bringing it up again or having space for it, is probably necessary. Also, developing better answers for kids who have questions is critical, as I think the lack of clear answers really changed my view of the world for the rest of my life (and not all of them in a positive way) - I can pinpoint certain changes in myself that date back to that event.