How do u say no nicely?

amother

Tan

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 12:30 pm

I don't know how to decline to have someone nicely. I have a cousin tgat format speak to me all year but invites himself over for shabbos a few times. His family is difficult to say the least. They come Thursday and don't want to leave till sunday the earliest. It drives dh crazy. They have been calling nd texting me off the hook to ask if they can come this week. I told them I am not sure my plans as I was thinking of going away. They are calling again to ask of they can come. Problem is if I say no this week...they will ask again next week. How do I say no without hurting their feelings? (I can deal with it for a week but it's honestly too hard this week...)

tichellady

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 12:37 pm

I thought you were invited somewhere and wanted to decline the invitation not that someone invited their family to you and you want to decline. They are the ones who should feel awkward not you. You can just say " it's not a good week for us to host, I will let you know when we can have you over."

mommy3b2c

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 12:45 pm

tichellady wrote:

This.

crust

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 1:03 pm

I had this scenerio more than once.
Im not going to say it came naturaly for me to say; "No. Im sorry. Not this week and not next week. I feel sorry to say this but I cant take in families. Its too hard for me."
When I finally said that out of my mouth I was relieved.

My father, a big t"ch, told me that the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim is when you take in a guest whos in your city already and doesnt have where to go.
It doesn't mean that when a person from out if town calls you that he needs a vacation you are mechiyuv to provide it. Its not a mitzvah. If you enjoy it, do it. But nothing holy about giving in to a nudge who has a home a bed and food but wants a 'change'.

SixOfWands

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 1:50 pm

amother wrote:

I told them it is not a good week...I felt bad.

Don't. It wasn't a good week for you.

Me, I'd be passive aggressive. Tell him that I'm so glad he called, I've been missing him, this weekend is bad, but how about your whole family coming to him next weekend?

amother

Tan

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 1:55 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Lol
They live in a 2 bedroom apartment I have never seen about an hour away from me...he comes to me when he needs a vacation, or it's black Friday and he wants to be out shopping all night.

crust

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 1:58 pm

amother wrote:

Lol
They live in a 2 bedroom apartment I have never seen about an hour away from me...he comes to me when he needs a vacation, or it's black Friday and he wants to be out shopping all night.

Familiar

amother

Rose

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 2:46 pm

Lol OP, I can totally relate... (That's why it makes me laugh, better to laugh than to cry!)
You have to tell yourself again and again that the fact that he's tactless doesn't mean he is less wrong. You have the right to say yes or no.

I can totally relate because we have a big house in the North of Israel and every ben-hazmanim we have tons of cousins who remember they suddenly want to go and see us (with all their kids etc.). Which means sleep by us.
Basically 5 or 6 days before my wedding day, one of them called my mother asking her if her family could come + 2 of her siblings and all their kids! Like 13 people! They were already in the North and thought they would sleep in tents but at the end they thought it was too hot so they asked if we wouldn't mind... They even suggested sleeping on the couches! So kind of them Smile

My mother felt really bad saying no but sometimes you know you have to learn to refuse...

Shoshana37

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 2:59 pm

I definitely need to learn how to say no to people. I have cousins who come over early Friday and leave late Sunday and I work full time. Seriously where is common sense in that.