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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Boys being boys or need major help
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 6:59 am
NOT NORMAL AT ALL!
Kids don't do things like that unless it happened to them. These boys were molested. Nebach. They need help. They need therapy. (But first, they need to be safe, and the molester needs to be identified). You did the right thing talking to the boy's mother. I hope she gets them the help they need. This is what happens when kids are abused and are not given appropriate healing afterwards.

A similar story happened to my kid. There were two brothers, 4 and 7 that always tried to get my son to go to private places with them and "hide from your mommy." I had a bad feeling about it and did everything I could to stop the friendship/contact, even though they lived close to us. Well, it turned out that these two boys and my son were all molested on a bus by the bus attendant. They simply did not know how to express their pent up pain. My son went to therapy and is now totally fine, baruch hashem. However, the other boys mother was in denial that anything happened and refused to send her kids to therapy. Well, her kids are far from normal at this point. They are now 7 and 10 with major behavioral problems. Nebach. And although it isn't their fault, they are now a danger to other kids because of their mother's insistence of burring her head in the sand.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter. I would talk to her about how wrong it was that this happened. Give her basic ed about how bodies are private and no one is allowed to touch her, make her feel uncomfortable, or tell her to take her clothing off, whether it is a child, adult, neighbor, or family member. And if it ever does, she should scream, run away and tell an adult right away. And if that adult doesn't help, tell another adult until someone does help. You can tell her that those boys probably had something like this happen to them and they haven't learned about safe touch yet, and she should not play with them until they get help. It is unsafe for her to play with them at this point.

Different kids react to traumatic situations differently. Some people get very traumatized by something that seems small, and some people hardly flinch at a bigger trauma (although bigger traumas always warrant professional involvement). It is probably a good idea to see a therapist, even just once, to check where she is holding emotionally.
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LittleDucky




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 8:31 am
Not ok. They knew to lock the door, which means they wanted to prevent someone from entering and/or leave. They knew to keep it quiet.

Yes kids explore but usually amongst kids the same age or with themselves.
Talk to your kid about safe touch and let her talk happened. Don't go over and over it (might traumatize her even more by having it repeated) but if she wants to repeat it and talk about it let her. As many times as it takes for her to process it. Even months later. Empathize and validate what she feels- how scary it must have been etc.
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petiteruchy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 8:35 am
I'm not sure I would go so far as to say they HAVE been molested. It certainly seems prudent to keep it as a possibility, but there are other reasons a child would act this way. For sure something is not quite right and the parents will hopefully keep digging until they find the reason.

Some children do in fact exhibit inappropriate behaviors not because of s-xual abuse but because of developmental delays, psychological issues, mental illness, issues in the home, etc
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 9:21 am
Why do mothers only decide to talk to their children AFTER an incident?
I'm not saying my dd is immune from such a situation, but she at least has the knowledge that it's not ok to go privately someplace with someone, that no one is allowed to touch her body without her permission, that her private parts must remain covered all the time, and that if someone tries to touch her on any of her private parts or tells her to undress, she should yell no and run away and tell me right away.

She's 3.5 and I've been telling her these things since she's 2. As she gets older, she understands it better. Does this mean she'll actually follow through if ch'v in such a situation. I know there are no guarantees but I sure hope so.

ALL OF YOU READING THIS: Today, talk to your kids. Don't think it won't happen to them or I watch them really well or they dont understand yet I'll wait till they're older. TODAY!
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amother
Silver


 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 9:40 am
I don't know that I would assume that they had been abused, but it seems to me that they were probably exposed to explicit material and are acting out what they saw.

I still don't think that this is instinctive behavior for little boys.
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 9:47 am
Ive got 4 rambunctious, adorable, inquisitive boys. This is not boys being boys, and I would NEVER allow my child to play with them again (no matter if it is a boy or a girl). Do not worry the mom will understand, and if she does not, then you for sure do not want your daughter near her kids.
I also talk to my kids from a very young age about this, so they would be aware that this is very bad behavior. Does your daughter realize it. This may not be the time to tell her because it may traumatize her. I would call a child psychologist or play therapist and ask them how to go about it.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 12:22 pm
amother wrote:
Why do mothers only decide to talk to their children AFTER an incident?
I'm not saying my dd is immune from such a situation, but she at least has the knowledge that it's not ok to go privately someplace with someone, that no one is allowed to touch her body without her permission, that her private parts must remain covered all the time, and that if someone tries to touch her on any of her private parts or tells her to undress, she should yell no and run away and tell me right away.

She's 3.5 and I've been telling her these things since she's 2. As she gets older, she understands it better. Does this mean she'll actually follow through if ch'v in such a situation. I know there are no guarantees but I sure hope so.

ALL OF YOU READING THIS: Today, talk to your kids. Don't think it won't happen to them or I watch them really well or they dont understand yet I'll wait till they're older. TODAY!

You're being naive if you think that talking to a 3-year-old is enough to keep them out of trouble when a couple of older kids together lead her into something. They just developmentally don't have that much backbone and judgment no matter how much you've talked and roleplayed and whatever. By all means keep on talking because it's better than not talking, but it's not fair to presume that all the mothers here who had this kind of circumstance failed to educate their children.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 5:12 pm
Who says I haven't spoken to my daughter? She knew to say no and try to go away but she didn't know how to unlock the door. I think she didn't do anything wrong. She is half the size of the boy and tried to say no and call for help. It easy to blame if that makes u feel less vulnerable. I don't think it was something I could have prevented
As to why they are playing together, when you live in an out of town area with only a few kids within her age range within walking distance then all of the kids play together. It's not unusual for them to play together . We do it almost every shabbas. Ad yes I plan to make changes
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 5:30 pm
abound wrote:
Ive got 4 rambunctious, adorable, inquisitive boys. This is not boys being boys, and I would NEVER allow my child to play with them again (no matter if it is a boy or a girl). Do not worry the mom will understand, and if she does not, then you for sure do not want your daughter near her kids.
I also talk to my kids from a very young age about this, so they would be aware that this is very bad behavior. Does your daughter realize it. This may not be the time to tell her because it may traumatize her. I would call a child psychologist or play therapist and ask them how to go about it.


My daughter is not even 4 yet. I think she was traumatized by being forced to do something against her will but she doesn't realize the severity of being made to take off her underwear so a boy can touch her. I have been talking to her in more general senses about running away , screaming, that she did the right thing and that we never take off our clothes for anyone besides mommy or the doctor.
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 10 2017, 7:00 pm
Answer to your question: B. Need major help.
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gittelchana




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 11 2017, 10:56 am
groovy1224 wrote:
Your 4 and 7 year olds routinely try to get into girls' pants?


Thank you for taking my words out of context. I answered your question in the very next sentence. Here's what I wrote.

"At this young age, it's natural for them to explore a girls body."
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 11 2017, 12:09 pm
groovy1224 wrote:
Your 4 and 7 year olds routinely try to get into girls' pants?


Uhhh, yeah. Its something that kids do.

https://www.psychologytoday.co.....octor

That doesn't make it something we want to happen.

The real question is whether OP's DD was an active and willing participant, or if she was coerced. Two completely different things.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 11 2017, 12:36 pm
OP you mention it was one of the boys parents that helped you get the apt open. Have you spoken to her since the incident?
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Mon, Sep 11 2017, 1:57 pm
Yes, we have spoken. She is addressing it from her end and I am addressing it with my daughter. Thanks .
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