Sick neighbors daughter in my house every day

Fox

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 11:59 am

dancingqueen wrote:

I know all about how tough it is to be postpartum as I'm in the throes of it myself. But some of these harsh responses about boundaries and refusing to answer the door on a six year old with a sick mommy are not the Jewish values I was taught. Op, please try to have her when you can since she's so happy in your home. But also call your shul rebetzin and the other parents in your kids class. Maybe a few other parents could step up with hosting and another babysitter could come to the home as it's too much for the current HS babysitter. Also maybe some people could go visit and sit with the mom so the dad can be home with his kids more, they need him too.

Well said!

A number of posters are treating this as an extreme all-or-nothing situation. It is not.

Once again, no one is saying that the OP martyr herself by taking on more responsibility than she's capable of at this time. We all understand that doing so would not only be damaging for the OP's family but would ultimately harm the child, as well.

But there is a middle ground. The OP can use this as an opportunity to help the child as well as grow in chesed. Being post-partum or being physically/emotionally incapacitated for any reason doesn't allow us to say, "I'm not going to do chesed because I'm tired or don't feel well." It's an opportunity to say, "Okay, without harming myself or my family, how can I do as much chesed as possible?"

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 1:17 pm

I just want to say that I feel very bad for OP and a lot of people here are making her feel even worse than she feels already. We cannot judge OP. we cannot judge her even though many people have said that they would do this in a heartbeat if they were her.
BUT THEY ARE NOT HER. We know nothing about her other life stresses. We know nothing about her reserves. We know nothing about her AT ALL. I cannot believe how many women are making her feel guilty about not doing enough. Don't you think she would if she could????

That's all I have to say. OP rest up and only you know what you are capable of.

We all need to be able to establish healthy boundaries and not feel gulitly about it.

amother

Amber

Fri, Sep 15 2017, 1:32 pm

I said it once already but I see op keeps getting the same responses. Please please please don't call other neighbors, mothers, rebetzins, principals, etc. before consulting the father first. He may be embarrassed that the situation will become a "case." Some of these people may do more harm than good. The parents may not appreciate having the six year old all over town. They might not appreciate chesed intervention. They might just want privacy and the help they choose and they hire. They might be ok with said child being at a friend/next door neighbor but not past that. They may not even realize how often the child is out. Please please go through the family first, even though they have a lot on their plates. It is ultimately the parents responsibility to make sure child is taken care of and accounted for and it is their right to choose in what way that happens.

Op, you are not obligated to house and parent this child and it would be so kind of you to help make child care arrangements if the father agrees to it, but please do not take it upon yourself without asking. Better to send her home to the babysitter than risk stressing the family more with "help" from the wider community if it will not be welcome. Speaking from experience.

moonstone

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 1:15 pm

Fox wrote:

I could not disagree more. You're saying that there is never an excuse not to do a chesed, ever. Being post-partum or ill doesn't give you the right to say no to doing a chesed???? Like hell it doesn't! Your statement actually made me angry. This woman sounds stretched very thin. She's already taking her stress out on her own family. And you and other posters are trying to guilt her into doing more?

I'm very happy for you that you're able to do chesed no matter what your physical or emotional situation, but that is not the reality for many of us. Please ease up on the OP. It is her business if she wants to "grow in chesed" at this stressful time in her life. If her answer is "no", that's perfectly fine. No one has the right to guilt her into it.

amother

Papaya

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 1:19 pm

Fox wrote:

Sorry, there was not one single poster who said she should do nothing. OP also never said that she plans to never have this girl over. But, she's allowed to say no sometimes and you and others are jumping down her throat for doing that. Having an extra kid over shabbos is hard. And it's not just a one-week situation unfortunately. I know many people five weeks pp who are getting lots of help still and it's not fair to guilt op that she's not in a position to give to others at this point. She doesn't have to arrange help over shabbos so she can have an extra kid. There's a time in life for everything and just having this girl over when she can is a massive mitzva that she has been doing and will still do within capabilities. And only she can judge what that means.

amother

Papaya

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 1:45 pm

And to those who say that they've been through pp so many times and therefore they know what OP feels like...

Each person and their experiences is different. It's like telling someone that they have to stay in their marriage because you managed to resolve the particular issues that YOU had even though each situation is unique.

And guess what? The fact you have been through it many times actually shows you are managing more than that you understand OP. That's why my kids are more spaced out. I wish I could have a larger family, but I'm very afraid of how I will feel pp and therefore have a break between each one.

amother

Slategray

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 4:50 pm

I want to give a different perspective - that of a kid in a household where there are extra kids sapping your parents ability to function.

When I was little, my aunt was dying of cancer. My uncle was in the hospital all the time. My 3 little cousins needed someone to be with. But you know what? It was too much for my mother. It was too much for my father. It was too much for me. Thank G-d, they finally found another relative, older with kids out of the house already, to fill that role for my cousins. There were already stresses in our house without that, and it would have been a disaster to have them be with us all the time. I am so thankful that my parents didn't take them in alone.

For anyone who is only thinking of OP's ability to deal wit this, OP has said she is concerned about the effect on her family. I have been that kid who's parents are too frazzled to deal with my problems or to handle me nicely because they are stretched too thin by someone's else's kids. And believe me when I say that I love those cousins more than anything, and I felt for them and I cried for them and I visited them and played with them and kept up with them. But they needed proper love and attention, which they wouldn't really have gotten from my parents either, and my parents needed to be able to handle me and our own household.

Thank G-d my parents set up boundaries and found someone else step in. It worked out best for everyone - my cousins and my family. We are all still close today, and I think the fact that everyone worked out what they needed and worked together to help everyone's best interests allowed us all to maintain our good relationships and close family bonds, both within our own families and with each other.

OP, I encourage you to set boundaries for the sake of yourself and your own family, and work with the babysitter/girl's family to find others to help the girl and her family. I wish you the strength to find the proper balance.