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Spinoff of guests keep criticizing me



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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 7:57 am
DH just informed me that we are invited to a house that is not the most clean. We socialize at our house because of that reason.

His friend and his wife are being insistent that it is their turn. Please help me turn them down without creating bad feelings.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 8:02 am
Why do you have to turn it down?
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 8:32 am
I love socializing with you and getting together because you are great company, but I really prefer being home and I do not go out for meals. Please come and I know that my mishigas is annoying but please indulge me.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 8:52 am
watergirl- I think squishy is saying that the house is not clean enough for her- like she doesn't want to eat in that house because it grosses her out.

abound- that only works if squishy doesn't often eat at other peoples house. You can't say you don't eat out and then be seen eating at other people's houses often. I know someone who gave a response like you said but she really rarely eats out so it works.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:05 am
How bad is it? I have this situation and once in a blue moon I just suck it up and deal with it. I barely eat anything while I'm there and have food prepared at home to have before/after. Holding your breath in the bathroom a couple of times a year is worth keeping up the friendship. At least for me it is.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:06 am
amother wrote:
watergirl- I think squishy is saying that the house is not clean enough for her- like she doesn't want to eat in that house because it grosses her out.

abound- that only works if squishy doesn't often eat at other peoples house. You can't say you don't eat out and then be seen eating at other people's houses often. I know someone who gave a response like you said but she really rarely eats out so it works.


The house is uncomfortably not clean. I can handle clutter but not dirt. And yes, we do eat out.

To make matters worse, the family is a bit insecure, so I need to find a way not to hurt feelings.
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:31 am
I'm sure you'll survive a meal there, especially if the family is insecure & will feel good about it. Go & appreciate your ability to keep your home clean.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:32 am
This is why I never invite guests for meals or kids for playdates, I'm just too embarrassed that they'll think this about my home Sad
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:35 am
Squishy wrote:
The house is uncomfortably not clean. I can handle clutter but not dirt. And yes, we do eat out.

To make matters worse, the family is a bit insecure, so I need to find a way not to hurt feelings.



It might not be possible. If this is a one time invite then perhaps you can make something up like you already invited someone for that meal. If they respond by inviting you to a different meal, then there really isn't anything that can be done in terms of not offending them. Especially if they know you a little and are aware that you eat out at other families.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:42 am
bigsis144 wrote:
This is why I never invite guests for meals or kids for playdates, I'm just too embarrassed that they'll think this about my home Sad


I hear you sister embarrassed
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:46 am
seeker wrote:
How bad is it? I have this situation and once in a blue moon I just suck it up and deal with it. I barely eat anything while I'm there and have food prepared at home to have before/after. Holding your breath in the bathroom a couple of times a year is worth keeping up the friendship. At least for me it is.


There isn't a way I can get out of it nicely?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:49 am
You can get out of it nicely a bunch of times but if they're inviting you often or repeatedly, it will start to get offensive.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 9:52 am
amother wrote:
watergirl- I think squishy is saying that the house is not clean enough for her- like she doesn't want to eat in that house because it grosses her out.

abound- that only works if squishy doesn't often eat at other peoples house. You can't say you don't eat out and then be seen eating at other people's houses often. I know someone who gave a response like you said but she really rarely eats out so it works.

I totally understood squishys point. Mine still stands. Why does she have to decline? She said her husband told her its dirty. Has she seen it?

Squishy, even if it is uncomfortably dirty, have you been there yourself to see it? Regardless, nothing will happen if you just suck it up and go. These are the lengths that we go to to avoid hurting people.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 10:11 am
Insist on bringing a dish for the meal so that you will have something clean to eat or fortify yourself by eating something beforehand. It's not about the food, after all, but the company. There are ways to eat very little but look as if you are eating. Claim to be on a diet if you must. Stick to hot dishes if there are any. Ask to drink hot water--this has become a "thing". Assuming you are healthy, a little dirt won't kill you and may help boost your immune system.

Offer to provide disposable dishes or flatware as your contribution to the meal if you suspect the dishes are not clean.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 10:30 am
watergirl wrote:
I totally understood squishys point. Mine still stands. Why does she have to decline? She said her husband told her its dirty. Has she seen it?

Squishy, even if it is uncomfortably dirty, have you been there yourself to see it? Regardless, nothing will happen if you just suck it up and go. These are the lengths that we go to to avoid hurting people.


I have eaten there before. My husband brought the invite to me. I can deal with clutter, it is actually not clean.

I wish they would go the length not to insist we come. I feel pressured into this. We travel to their simchas and include them in ours. We let them bring their guests to our house. The truth is we feel bad for them and don't have much in common. They are a bit off.
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doctorima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 10:39 am
As others have said, you can get out of a one-time invitation - you're not feeling well and want to take it easy, you're putting the kids on a strict schedule for your own sanity, DH has been working hard and doesn't have the energy to go out now, etc., but if they keep pushing again and again, eventually you'll run out of pareve excuses and they'll see through you.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 12:03 pm
My grandfather remarried and our new grandmother washed the dishes a bit clumsily, if you know what I mean. We ate Shabos meals at their home, or just pretended to eat there so as not to hurt her feelings.
We have wonderful memories! May she rest in peace.

Often, a friendship is worth the hardship entailed. Even if they are a bit off.
The wheel of fortune goes round and round.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 4:02 pm
Just because someones house looks dirty doesn't mean they are not careful about washing dishes and food safety. OTOH I knew someone whose house was immaculate but thought nothing of leaving meat out overnight and then serving it to people. (eg a pot of chicken soup)
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 4:04 pm
I would also go. Bring some food, and stick to stuff like challa. Play around with food on your plate. Come early and offer to make the salad - you can make sure knife, board and bowl are clean.
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 4:14 pm
Will you be eating in a sukkah? If so, they are probably using disposable dishes anyways. Bring a dish and dessert to "contribute" to the meal and have a real meal when you get home.
If you push it off, they may invite you when you actually have to eat on their dishes, which you said are probably not clean.
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