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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
14 year old DS devastated about no friends



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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 3:07 pm
My 14 year old son told me that he is so miserable and has no self esteem because he cannot and never could make friends. He claims no one likes him wherever he goes, he doesn't know what to do about it, he guesses he just must be "weird."

It is tearing him apart and I don't know what I can do. When he was younger we spoke to the school a lot about it but they felt he was just being oversensitive and really did get along fine with everyone. I asked if we should send him to social skills classes but they said they didn't think he needed it. We tried to arrange playdates etc but. . . his friendships (for the most part) just still never took off.

There were always other boys who were willing to be friends with him but he said they "weren't his type", basically, he wants to be friends with the popular and "in" kids but that's not happening.

He's not really asking me for advice (what advice would I be able to give him anyhow?) but mostly I guess just wants support from me, which I try to provide.

It's breaking my heart but that's not really the point. . . if you (or someone you know) was ever in this situation a) what was helpful to hear? and b) what was helpful to do?

TIA
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 3:12 pm
I really think he could benefit from a few private sessions from a social skills therapist.

One thing your son may need to hear is - what is he bringing to the table for friendship - and how does that match up with the crowd he is dreaming of hanging with? He may be attracted to the in crowd, but does he have the wherewithall to withstand the pressure that might entail? It's not all rosy in there....and your son may need to become more self-aware, and be in touch with who HE is, and what types of friends would really be compatible and "his type".

Your role as a mother here would be to listen, empathize, etc...but if this has been going on for a long time, he may need that help to gain insight into himself, and how to build lasting friendships with others who are compatible to him.

BTDT (with teen girls)
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 3:18 pm
He should see a therapist to work on his self esteem and hopefully the friends will follow.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 4:01 pm
Good point Chayalle. Another good thing to keep in mind is that the popular kids are not necessarily better.

My experience was that I was too busy trying to be friends with popular girls in high school, that I didn't realize till years later that I didn't have such a great high school experience like I could have. The only friend I keep up with was one that I tried to avoid back then embarrassed . I could have had more friends and had a richer social experience and better self-esteem if I was more open minded.

I wish my mother could have guided me better, but if anything she was proud of my popular so called friends. (One thing I wish my school had done differently was not to give all the good jobs and parts to the popular kids - because I saw a lot of good potential and talent go undiscovered.)
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amother
Pink


 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 4:48 pm
It's really hard as a mom to witness this...so hugs

If you're in Lakewood, a speech therapist, Devorah Himy, is excellent at addressing these skills. She teaches kids how to have deeper and more meaningful conversations etc. I recently took a course with her and was super impressed.

Sometimes social difficulties come from weak language or processing skills, not just lacking social know how.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 4:52 pm
I'm going through this with my 8 yr old and his pediatrician recommended that we get him evaluated by a psychologist. He said he appears to have low self esteem and said we should take care of it sooner rather than later
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 27 2017, 8:18 pm
I recommend you expose your son to more kids- after school activities extracurriculars etc. The more kids he get to know, the higher the chance of him finding someone he clicks with.
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