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What should my expectation be for teen DS learning



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amother
Lime


 

Post Wed, Dec 20 2017, 3:21 pm
My 9th grade DS is a very bright, serious, perfectionist child. He is yeshivish and in a "top" school because that is where he wants to be.

He is very intense and takes everything very seriously and I think has unrealistic expectations of himself. He is gone from 7:15-10:30 on most days aside for an hour that he is home.

On rare days that he has extra time (ie shabbos) he gets frustrated and disappointed with himself if he doesn't "do something productive" (which means learning). Over chanukah they had some more time off than usual so for example, one day, he was home for 3+ hours (instead of the usual 1). During that time, he helped me by playing with his younger siblings, lit the menorah, ate supper, relaxed etc. He was then very upset (at himself, not at me) that he didn't get to learn during that time. He was in school from 7:15-4 and then went back from 7:30-10 and presumably most of the time in school was spent learning.

Am I wrong in telling him that his expectations are unrealistic and unfair (to himself) and he doesn't need to be learning so much? Or is that really what is expected of 9th grade yeshiva boys? I don't want to tell him the wrong thing but it seems really extreme to me. . .

He's my oldest boy so any insight would be appreciated.

Thanks
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Wed, Dec 20 2017, 3:31 pm
amother wrote:


Am I wrong in telling him that his expectations are unrealistic and unfair (to himself) and he doesn't need to be learning so much? Or is that really what is expected of 9th grade yeshiva boys? I don't want to tell him the wrong thing but it seems really extreme to me. . .



Thanks


This depends on the boy. If he wants to learn there may be a risk of burn out and other issues to look out for but you shouldn't discourage him. If he wouldn't be interested in learning then no this shouldn't be expected from him.

Don't use his example as a prototype for your younger sons. Everyone is different.
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Hatemywig




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 20 2017, 3:33 pm
You seem to be using your Mommy intuition, and I think you are right.

I think talking to your son about implementing what he is learning is important. Playing with your younger siblings is very important too.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 20 2017, 3:37 pm
Hatemywig wrote:
You seem to be using your Mommy intuition, and I think you are right.

I think talking to your son about implementing what he is learning is important. Playing with your younger siblings is very important too.


I like this response.

It says "bitulah zu hi kiyumah" - that is, there are certain "bitul torah" activities that are actually being mekayem the Torah.

It is worthwhile to talk to your son about this. Tell him that when he was playing with his little siblings, he was practicing what he learns. He was doing several mitzvos at once, like "kibud aim" - helping his mother, and "ve'ahavta l'reacho komocho" as well as talking nicely, setting a good example, etc....all while storing up his energy to learn some more later on.

Talk to him about healthy family interactions, and how these are all the practical applications of Torah learning.

May you B"EH see much Nachas from him.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Dec 20 2017, 5:40 pm
Your son sounds very much like my son. I am also very nervous about burnout, but my son is in 12th grade and this is going on since 8th and B"H he seems to be doing well. I've spoken to many people about this and it seems to be normal for yeshivish boys. Many mothers tell me their sons go straight to a bais medrash to learn after getting home from yeshiva at 9 or 10p. I used to think my son was unusual but it doesn't sound like he is.

I discuss this periodically with his mashgiach, who also used to be nervous about my son burning out. He has a great relationship with my son and really tries to help convince him that he doesn't need to learn so much. He even calls my son during summer vacation to make sure my son is doing fun things and not just learning.

I'm not sure if this is coming from the yeshivos or from each other, but it bothers me a lot. We aren't super yeshivish and this isn't how my husband or myself grew up and this isn't what we were looking for. But B"H my son is a good boy and if he's going to be out late at least I know he's learning in a bais medrash, not hanging out somewhere else.
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