sibling teasing | Imamother

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Dec 21 2017, 3:40 pm

How do you deal with it when it happens? I have a 10 year old boy who very often teases his 8 year old sister - showing he's smarter, calls her names like idiot or stupid, makes fun of what she says. Should I be giving consequences to the 10 year old and what type of consequences, working with young one to ignore it, not get involved at all, like pretend I didn't hear anything or something else?

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Dec 21 2017, 4:55 pm

octopus wrote:

Absolutely consequences! Calling names is not teasing and is simply not allowed in my home. It can chip away at your younger kids self esteem.

Thanks, I appreciate it - what kind of consequences are appropriate?

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Dec 21 2017, 8:08 pm

Thanks for the idea. I could try that. I'm thinking also now that I'm really interested in the long term solution, because this is ongoing - how can I help them develop a better relationship in general so that he won't want to put her down in the first place?

33055

Thu, Dec 21 2017, 8:16 pm

amother wrote:

Teach them empathy. Have your children tell you how they hurt each other.

Also make sure she isn't starting also. Make sure his behavior is not reactionary.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Dec 21 2017, 8:21 pm

My 3 DC do that to each other. Unfortunately it's not uncommon. Making them apologize doesn't seem to make a difference but I try not to let it get TOO out of control. I let a few things slide. I can't control what they say all the time. Also, I try to guide the recipient on the receiving end of the name to be resilient and shrug it off. I also try to bolster recipients self worth with reassuring comments.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Dec 21 2017, 8:22 pm

Squishy wrote:

Teach them empathy. Have your children tell you how they hurt each other.

Also make sure she isn't starting also. Make sure his behavior is not reactionary.

I guess that's the main issue - it is really complex - it is not really totally one-sided, but probably more initiated by him. It's more like a continuing back and forth - can be in response to something that happened the day before. Like he has a general feeling of being bothered by her, doesn't like when she asks what he considers "stupid" questions (even if she's asking them to me & he's not involved at all) & he doesn't think she is smart. She does react back in different ways, sometimes running away saying exaggerating things he might do to her & sometimes she says mean things back to him. I'm not sure how to stop this cycle. They each might agree they hurt the other, but feel they were justified because they were hurt and/or bothred by the other.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Dec 21 2017, 8:25 pm

amother wrote:

I know what you mean - in long term it doesn't seem to help when I try to get involved and tell them it's not nice what you're doing & need to apologize. I'm wondering if there's anything I can do practically that can actually make some sort of difference and actually get them to like/respect each other for who they are.

bigsis144

Thu, Dec 21 2017, 8:44 pm

amother wrote:

This.

I have no idea how to change the mindset that each of my kids has - it’s like they have no capacity to ever be dan l’kaf z’chus the other - if 5yo is singing happily to himself when 8yo gets into the car from school, 8yo automatically finds it annoying and smacks 5yo for “bothering” him. Or literally pointing and laughing at a sibling when they spill something or make a mistake. It’s like evil cartoon bullies up in this place...

Forget ever trying to fargin their sibling or see their point of view, it seems like my kids are determined to make one another miserable even though that’s actually HARDER than getting along???

nana18

Fri, Dec 22 2017, 12:21 am

We had the name calling/teasing issue in our house a lot. What I found to work best was in a calm but firm voice say: there is NO name calling allowed in this house. And repeat if needed. I found that once we seriously put our foot down and did not allow it, it got much much better.
Making kids apologize makes a big issue out of it and the apology is not sincere and they think it's a joke. At least in our case.

R3D

Fri, Dec 22 2017, 1:50 am

Had the same situation with DD. was told she's doing it cause when you have low self esteem you bother other ppl. Was driving me nuts! Tried EVERYTHING. nothing worked. she would be in her room all day or apologizing all day too. Finally, someone gave me a solution that worked! reward the kid thats being teased. If it would've been a girl I would've given her a sticker or something cute but it was DS and the only thing I came up with was giving him a penny every time she teased. And figured when he has a substantial amount would take him to the toy store and buy something. I had a cup and she hated seeing it filling up more and more. Some days it added up to 60-70 pennies. Since DD would mimic and tease him continuously. It worked so well! Boy did she stop.