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Forum -> Children's Health -> Toilet Training
Friends wet pants smell



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amother
Violet


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 10:48 pm
My son in kindergarten has a good friend who is having trouble in the toilet training department. The friend doesn’t seem to mind having wet pants and will walk around not bothered for hours. I invite the child over to my house straight from school, but notice that the child has accidents before I pick him up. I have offered to have him change into my sons pants but he says no(never pushed this). My son has never said a word about this to me so I assume he either doesn’t realize or doesn’t care. My problem is that his pants really smell. I wish his mother would speak to her son and tell him that if he wants to be at a friends house he should be clean. She could send extra pants or borrow, either is fine. I feel so unsure whether I should bring it up with the mother. Our kids have been friends for three years and I consider her a friend, but it might be a sensitive topic. I don’t want to make the friendship(s) awkward over this. I don’t know if the friends mother is on this site, so if you are, don’t feel bad/embarrassed. I just wonder if I could improve the situation. Any ideas?
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yehudis1056




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 10:58 pm
My kids have had numerous accidents at friends houses and their friends in mine. When it happens in my house I don’t think twice. I just change the kid. Aside from the smell wet pants can cause a bad rash. Definitely speak to the mother. Just say he had an accident and you put him in clean pants. Try to convince the kid to change maybe say he can have a treat or play something special after.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 11:26 pm
Please please please please please please please please, do not say anything to the child or mother!!!!!! Myob.

Do you not realize she is super embarrassed?! Do you think she wants her son having accidents? My gosh. I have a 9 year old this way. This is sheer embarrassment. The more you speak the more embarrassment. Trust me she's doing everything in her power to keep him clean. And you can't do anything. If you don't want him because of the smell, that's another whole other issue. I suspect that is the problem.

So let me say this to you. This is a place for you to have compassion on the mother and the child and daven that this horrible situation is over.

Ds has severe encopresis and wetting by day. Nothing I ever did worked except ignoring it. The more you mention it the worse it gets.

Now is your chance to do chesepsed and that means loving him despite this.

Because if he has less friends because of this it will hurt the child more. I'm speaking of experience.

It's a very very painful one. I hope you will understand
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yehudis1056




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 11:28 pm
amother wrote:
Please please please please please please please please, do not say anything to the child or mother!!!!!! Myob.

Do you not realize she is super embarrassed?! Do you think she wants her son having accidents? My gosh. I have a 9 year old this way. This is sheer embarrassment. The more you speak the more embarrassment. Trust me she's doing everything in her power to keep him clean. And you can't do anything. If you don't want him because of the smell, that's another whole other issue. I suspect that is the problem.

So let me say this to you. This is a place for you to have compassion on the mother and the child and daven that this horrible situation is over.

Ds has severe encopresis and wetting by day. Nothing I ever did worked except ignoring it. The more you mention it the worse it gets.

Now is your chance to do chesepsed and that means loving him despite this.

Because if he has less friends because of this it will hurt the child more. I'm speaking of experience.

It's a very very painful one. I hope you will understand


He’s not 9 he is 4 approximately if he’s in kindergarten. Obviously a 9 year old having accidents is a completely different story.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Wed, Dec 27 2017, 11:33 pm
Yehudis, all I mean is don't tell the mother anything it's embarrassing to her. I hope u understand
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 12:05 am
Some kids do take a long time to make it to where they aren't having accidents. My kids didn't stop the night time pull ups until very late, so believe me I have compassion for this kid. What I'm going to say has nothing to do with the kid.

I cannot believe that there is a mother and a teacher allowing this. My kids who were that age and having accidents always had a clean change of clothes kept at school and another in their backpack. I cannot believe anyone is advising not to say anything to the mother in order not to embarrass her. What on earth? She should be embarrassed and so should this boys teacher. Not for having a kid who has accidents but for not helping him to not walk around wet and smelly. How sad for this boy. I would absolutely talk to the mother and advise her to address the teacher and work together so this boy always has clothes to change into and understands when and why to change. Even if it does not bother him it isn't very healthy. If the mother doesn't seem to care then you should offer the child a change of clothes. Somebody has to be in this boy's corner.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 2:23 am
Yeah, don't say anything if he's nine, but he's 4 or 5. It's not abnormal. If you will be watching the kid, ask for a change of clothes.
In general a child should have a spare set of pants and underwear until they have been dry daily for a couple months.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 3:04 am
yehudis1056 wrote:
My kids have had numerous accidents at friends houses and their friends in mine. When it happens in my house I don’t think twice. I just change the kid. Aside from the smell wet pants can cause a bad rash. Definitely speak to the mother. Just say he had an accident and you put him in clean pants. Try to convince the kid to change maybe say he can have a treat or play something special after.


I agree. The important part is to just treat it like it’s no big deal. Having accidents at that age, to me, is not a big deal. It happens. But having teachers or adults let the kid run around wet and smelly is not ok. You can take care of the child without making him feel bad.

I’d change him if he’s wet and ask the mom to send along extra clothes “because sometimes the boys are having fun and just forget to go”. You can let the boy know that friends borrow clothes all the time when they get wet, it’s really no big deal.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 10:11 am
Miri7 wrote:
I agree. The important part is to just treat it like it’s no big deal. Having accidents at that age, to me, is not a big deal. It happens. But having teachers or adults let the kid run around wet and smelly is not ok. You can take care of the child without making him feel bad.

I’d change him if he’s wet and ask the mom to send along extra clothes “because sometimes the boys are having fun and just forget to go”. You can let the boy know that friends borrow clothes all the time when they get wet, it’s really no big deal.


Exactly. It's not about shaming or judging the parent or the friend. It's about health and sanitation. A 5yo might not be expected not to have accidents, but he can be expected to know the difference between wet and dry fabric, and to change clothes as needed.
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yehudis1056




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 10:17 am
amother wrote:
Yehudis, all I mean is don't tell the mother anything it's embarrassing to her. I hope u understand


No I don’t understand. I’m all for being sensitive to moms but he’s 4. accidents happen so often at that age. No reason for the poor kid to be uncomfortable all day just to spare moms feelings. I’m sure she’d rather have her child be comfortable than not being embarrassed. At least I would.

Also op said she got him straight from school I think. Or that he was wet before she got him. So perhaps the mother doesn’t even know. And someone should ask the teachers to make sure he uses the bathroom at the end of the day.

When my daughter was in kindergarten she had a very long bus ride home. At the beginning of the year she would often have an accident on the bus because it was too hard to hold it in. I spoke to her teacher about making sure she used the bathroom before going in the bus and as she matured she was able to figure it out. But if she ever would have gone to a friends house after school and I picked her up wet and the other mother didn’t do anything to help her or tell me, I would be upset.


Last edited by yehudis1056 on Thu, Dec 28 2017, 10:25 am; edited 1 time in total
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 10:20 am
amother wrote:
My son in kindergarten has a good friend who is having trouble in the toilet training department. The friend doesn’t seem to mind having wet pants and will walk around not bothered for hours. I invite the child over to my house straight from school, but notice that the child has accidents before I pick him up. I have offered to have him change into my sons pants but he says no(never pushed this). My son has never said a word about this to me so I assume he either doesn’t realize or doesn’t care. My problem is that his pants really smell. I wish his mother would speak to her son and tell him that if he wants to be at a friends house he should be clean. She could send extra pants or borrow, either is fine. I feel so unsure whether I should bring it up with the mother. Our kids have been friends for three years and I consider her a friend, but it might be a sensitive topic. I don’t want to make the friendship(s) awkward over this. I don’t know if the friends mother is on this site, so if you are, don’t feel bad/embarrassed. I just wonder if I could improve the situation. Any ideas?


Have both boys change into sweats when they get home. Don't mention that the other boy had an accident. Just say "we're going to make cookies, and I don't want you to get your school pants filthy."

If you want, you can tell the boy's mom "Shloimy must have had an accident at school, so I had both boys change when they got home. Just return the sweats whenever you get a chance." Trust me, she already knows there's an issue.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 12:16 pm
Thanks for the responses everyone. I like the idea of having both kids change. Maybe I’ll Do that. The Morah knows that the child has to use the bathroom at the end of the day. However, the past 3 times I’ve had the child over the child has had an accident before I pick up. I don’t know if the boy wets his pants every single day, but would not be surprised if this was the case. So to conclude, should I speak to the mother? Or just change the child into my sons clothes without asking? ETA: I encourage all the kids to use the bathroom a couple times during his stay so that he’ll go if he needs to (I don’t usually prompt my kids, but I would think he needs it,) but he usually declines to go. For All I know he wets the same pair of pants multiple times...???
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yehudis1056




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 1:17 pm
amother wrote:
Thanks for the responses everyone. I like the idea of having both kids change. Maybe I’ll Do that. The Morah knows that the child has to use the bathroom at the end of the day. However, the past 3 times I’ve had the child over the child has had an accident before I pick up. I don’t know if the boy wets his pants every single day, but would not be surprised if this was the case. So to conclude, should I speak to the mother? Or just change the child into my sons clothes without asking? ETA: I encourage all the kids to use the bathroom a couple times during his stay so that he’ll go if he needs to (I don’t usually prompt my kids, but I would think he needs it,) but he usually declines to go. For All I know he wets the same pair of pants multiple times...???


Personally if it was my kid I would want to know. Don’t pass judgment or make a big deal about it just says so and so had a little accident so I changed him. That’s all.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 2:03 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Exactly. It's not about shaming or judging the parent or the friend. It's about health and sanitation. A 5yo might not be expected not to have accidents, but he can be expected to know the difference between wet and dry fabric, and to change clothes as needed.


Yes, but this is exactly the point. Some kids are not going to be bothered by the wetness whoch is probably why they dont listen to their bladder and go to the bathroom. Sometimes, teachers do not let kids go to the bathroom often but some boys need to go more often. This boy obviously has a problem which obviously the mom knows bc she smells his pants.....but is the boy being denied the right to go often or does he ignore his bladder or maybe a different issue??? But, if he doesnt want to change pants how will you force him ?? The mother will be embarressed you brought it up. If you want to be nice and help the boy be sanitary by goving him dry clothes, why do you need to tell the mom? You can give him dry clothes and then tell her AFTER that he changed clothes because his pants were wet? But how can the mom get the boy to change to new clothes if shes not there??? What would be the point of telling her if the boy refuses to change??
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Dec 28 2017, 11:31 pm
If I can’t get the boy to change, I thought I could speak to the mother and have her tell her son that in other peoples houses (idk what he does at his own house) he has to stay clean or she will have to pick him up or whatever... but I don’t know if I should bring it up at all, besides for if I get him to change and just tell her matter of factly.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 29 2017, 5:08 am
My kids need to be reassured that their toy/food/book will still be there when they go to the bathroom.
Also, asking if they need to go will nearly always result in a "no". Telling them it's bathroom time/break generally works better.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 29 2017, 8:10 am
Slightly off topic: If preschools insist that a child be potty trained before they can attend, why doesn't kindergarten? Seems like an odd double standard to me.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Fri, Dec 29 2017, 12:38 pm
amother wrote:
If I can’t get the boy to change, I thought I could speak to the mother and have her tell her son that in other peoples houses (idk what he does at his own house) he has to stay clean or she will have to pick him up or whatever... but I don’t know if I should bring it up at all, besides for if I get him to change and just tell her matter of factly.


I womder if this will work with such an issue. It didnt work with my relatives. Usually if a boy doesnt mind the wet pants ....it is not as simple as "if you wet your pants you cant go over" to solve this problem. But thats my experience. Boruch hashem you dont have this problem with your child.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Sat, Dec 30 2017, 9:34 pm
amother wrote:
I womder if this will work with such an issue. It didnt work with my relatives. Usually if a boy doesnt mind the wet pants ....it is not as simple as "if you wet your pants you cant go over" to solve this problem. But thats my experience. Boruch hashem you dont have this problem with your child.
. I didn’t Say that he can’t come over if he wets his pants. I’m thinking that it may be appropriate for the mother to have a conversation with her son that it’s not nice to STAY wet at a friends house and he should understand that he should change. I understand he has a toilet training issue. I’m not trying to fix it. And I’m grateful that my son doesn’t struggle with this.
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deams




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 31 2017, 10:23 am
I would ask the mother what you should do. Very likely she will be fine with her son changing cloths. As a mother who went through with this and is almost on the other side, I would want to know. Especially if it is happening in school.
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