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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
My 14yo dd is weird. Please help !!!
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Purple2




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 16 2018, 3:36 pm
I also think a lot of people here are really off that this has to do with op’s relationship. Her daughters socially off behaviours have zero to do with the op. If the op never said a word to her daughter about the gunk on her teeth she would be perfectly happy to never brush.
Op, as a mother of teenage daughters her behaviour is really not ok. Please have her see a professional.
Amother ecru, not only are you a coward, but a nasty one at that. Oh, and hopefully you have no children because your parenting is off the wall as well.
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yogabird




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 16 2018, 3:43 pm
Whether OP's daughter is 100% neurotypical or not, she deserves 100% respect and unconditional love from her mother. OP, you are her only real anchor and advocate in this world. Please find a balance between helping her be her best self and loving her just as she is.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sat, Feb 17 2018, 2:30 pm
I'm not saying your daughter is "in the right," but I don't think she is abnormal. Most teenagers seek subtle ways to assert their independence (commonly referred to as "rebelling" or being "defiant"). I'm not directing this at you personally, but at frum society as a whole.... we expect our children to tow the line without questioning let alone asserting independence, and that's not how Hashem made adolescents. We are often much more critical and worried about our image (and how our children's behavior affects that) than the non-Jews, so our children feel an immense amount of pressure to conform, and often feel bad about themselves when they just can't do that.

Children who are not cookie-cutter copies of 'everyone else' pick up on all this. Frum society's expectations can be especially stressful for them. Not everyone is mainstream, but everyone is special, likeable and loveable.

Your daughter has special qualities, characteristics and potentials. You can bring them out by helping her find what she loves, what she's good at, and developing her as she is.

All the therapy in the world will not turn a unique child into a mainstream one. It will not make her fit the mold as they say. And it certainly won't stop her from "rebelling." But unconditional love and educating your daughter according to her own way, and perhaps finding her a hobby or activity, will bring out her special qualities. If you can your daughter can find what it is that makes her special, you would be glad she's different from the crowd.

I would avoid telling her anything negative about her appearance, because after bas mitzvah they are really too old to hear that from us. Leave it up to her friends to drop her a hint. The same goes for her tantrums. Let her have them and get it out, so long as she's not being violent against people or destructive against objects. Once you stop reacting to her negative behaviors (and she surely realizes they are negative behaviors and that you are bothered by them), she will stop "rebelling" against you, simply because it won't be fun anymore. Your negative comments, though hurtful, actually make this behavior very fun for her as a teenager.

In my opinion having her evaluated or bringing her to a therapist, if her behavior is only as bad as you mentioned and there's nothing else worse going on, would be a terrible idea. She will only feel worse about herself, more distanced from 'mainstream' frum society, and resent you even more. In other words, don't turn her into a "case," bcause sh isn't one, and blowing this all out of proportion won't help. And don't be critical, because words that wound her sensitive neshoma from you will sting years after she eventually figures out to brush her teeth and take showers. Yes it's difficult, but let her be who she is without negative input.

Comfort yourself that your DD is doing very well in many ways if the teachers like her and her siblings love being around her. Go from there and find more positive qualities about her, and help her to find what unique qualities, talents and interests she has. In 5 years, she will be grown up, and none of the things you've mentioned will be issues anymore.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sat, Feb 17 2018, 2:45 pm
camp wrote:
I also think a lot of people here are really off that this has to do with op’s relationship. Her daughters socially off behaviours have zero to do with the op. If the op never said a word to her daughter about the gunk on her teeth she would be perfectly happy to never brush.
Op, as a mother of teenage daughters her behaviour is really not ok. Please have her see a professional.
Amother ecru, not only are you a coward, but a nasty one at that. Oh, and hopefully you have no children because your parenting is off the wall as well.


No, we are not blaming OP for her daughter's behaviors, but you can be 99.9% sure hr daughter's negative behaviors (lack of hygiene and throwing random tantrums) have something to do with OP! You cannot tell me criticizing and turning her daughter into a mental case because of poor hygiene and childish tantrums will improve OP's relationship with her daughter, or encourage OP's daughter to change.

If OP continues to criticize her teenage daughter, then 10 years from now, her daughter will say something to the effect of "My mother was so critical of me. Her critical comments damaged my self-esteem and gave me a negative image. Little wonder I behaved as I did."

I can almost promise you, nobody (normal) ever says "Baruch Hashem my mother was so critical of me as a teenager and turned me into a psychological case! I'm so grateful she pointed out everything wrong with me and shlepped me down for a psychological evaluation for teenage behavior!"

Whether or not OP's daughter has gunk on her teeth, showers enough or washes her clothes frequently, she is too old for her mother to be pointing this out to her. As for random tantrums when OP's daughter doesn't get her way, feels stressed, guilty for not helping or whatever- that's what teenagers do. It's not OK, but that's how it is.

Your comments towards poster Ecru could have been said much nicer. How do you think she feels after what you wrote about her? I think the way you insulted her demonstrates that you might be a tad too critical...
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Purple2




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 17 2018, 10:36 pm
Amother Honeydew(not sure why you need to hide when knocking the op), I can’t imagine that you have a14 year old daughter because your advice is so off.
You advise mothers of 14 year olds to never comment if their child has hygienic issues? That’s not criticism, that’s parenting! Who says the op is a nag that will ruin her relationship with her child. The op’s been mentioning and advising her child. That’s a parents job. We read plenty of posts here from ladies complaining about lack of direction from their parents that resulted in them being socially off.
I advise my children and definitely remind them to brush, shower etc... none of them come back to me with complaints. Believe me it hasn’t ruined any of my relationships with my kids.
In response to my response to ecru, she was so out of line, needed a taste of her own medicine.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Sat, Feb 17 2018, 11:44 pm
amother wrote:
To the OP:

Your description of your daughter sounds eerily similar to our daughter although ours is younger. However, I could not tell if your DD's behaviors have started recently or since she was very young.

Our daughter has always been somewhat different than her peers, even from a very young age. We too always hoped she would outgrow her tantrums and immaturity and general weirdness (hygiene issues, sudden blow ups) but it did not happen. Probably the most frustrating aspect was that other people did not seem to notice what we saw, and since she does well in school and socially, we thought we were doing something wrong as parents.

When it comes to parenting, everyone has an opinion and it is tempting to let yourself be assured by others that this type of behavior is normal... All kids have hang ups .. etc. This was not the case for us. A parent knows better than anyone else. Please don't let yourself get lulled into a false sense of complacency based on what others who have never even met you say on a forum. Also don't let others criticize you based on nothing more than a brief post that you wrote. Trust your instincts and take care of things now. When it comes to issues like those you described the sooner they are addressed the better, that's for sure. Some interventions have a much better chance of success when done at a young age.

Recently we finally decided to do a full psychological evaluation and although it is not so cheap we are very grateful we did it. You need a real professional helping you, not anonymous posters on a forum.


Did the evaluation get you any further? Asking because I know someone close with same issues.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Sun, Feb 18 2018, 12:05 am
My DD had the similar issues to your DD. Hygiene brushing teeth wearing the same old clothes. Socially awkward and had trouble with friends. She was the sweetest kindest person who would always accept a freind excuse of why they would cancel on her She did fight with her brothers and sisters and while she sometimes helped in the house she often went to her room and did not participate. I took her to therapy and she did not want to go. I wish I was able to force her because several years later she is still the same. Has no direction in life has minimal friends and still has poor hygiene.
Please do what you can now to help her get thru this hard time. Maybe speak to school social worker to help her. Find her a mentor , maybe. A teacher she likes and respects to be her friends - even if you have to pay the teacher. Work hard now to make the changes because it will be harder eight years from now.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:10 am
Buy her an expensive electric toothbrush. She is probably brushing but without any pressure. A good electric toothbrush will apply that pressure. (A cheap one won’t)

Maybe buy a special good smelling shampoo or body soap and tell the other kids that it’s just for her. Make her feel good that you spent a lot on her since she’s the oldest.

Make sure to compliment her when she looks good. After a shower tell her how good her hair smells.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Sun, Feb 18 2018, 2:34 pm
amother wrote:
My DD had the similar issues to your DD. Hygiene brushing teeth wearing the same old clothes. Socially awkward and had trouble with friends. She was the sweetest kindest person who would always accept a freind excuse of why they would cancel on her She did fight with her brothers and sisters and while she sometimes helped in the house she often went to her room and did not participate. I took her to therapy and she did not want to go. I wish I was able to force her because several years later she is still the same. Has no direction in life has minimal friends and still has poor hygiene.
Please do what you can now to help her get thru this hard time. Maybe speak to school social worker to help her. Find her a mentor , maybe. A teacher she likes and respects to be her friends - even if you have to pay the teacher. Work hard now to make the changes because it will be harder eight years from now.


Agree. That's exactly the case I know. The mother thought she will "outgrow" it but she never did. These kids need help. Period.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 18 2018, 2:43 pm
amother wrote:
Buy her an expensive electric toothbrush. She is probably brushing but without any pressure. A good electric toothbrush will apply that pressure. (A cheap one won’t)

Maybe buy a special good smelling shampoo or body soap and tell the other kids that it’s just for her. Make her feel good that you spent a lot on her since she’s the oldest.

Make sure to compliment her when she looks good. After a shower tell her how good her hair smells.

Even better than an electric tooth brush is a water pick. Since my DS and DH use the water pick and a regular tooth brush the dentist commented that their teeth are amazingly clean. It works better than floss and is much quicker too.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 18 2018, 2:56 pm
camp wrote:
I also think a lot of people here are really off that this has to do with op’s relationship. Her daughters socially off behaviours have zero to do with the op. If the op never said a word to her daughter about the gunk on her teeth she would be perfectly happy to never brush.
Op, as a mother of teenage daughters her behaviour is really not ok. Please have her see a professional.
Amother ecru, not only are you a coward, but a nasty one at that. Oh, and hopefully you have no children because your parenting is off the wall as well.


Woah. I just read through ecru’s posts and I really don’t see what caused you to react with such vehemence.

What we are all pointing out is that op can’t help her dd while approaching her with negativity and disgust. Do you think calling her weird and gross is going to help the dd get better?
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