Dc playing w/cousin who was exposed to stuff online?

amother

Apricot

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 3:15 pm

I am horrified to read how you know it's wrong and you are explaining it away

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 3:44 pm

Apricot, your post is so off it's not even funny. Your imagination took you some place that doesn't exist.

Did you even read my posts at all?

My kids haven't been exposed to anything, bh.
What do you wish their schools knew?
That they have secular relatives?

Non frum parents living in appropriate communities- what's that about?? I am frum and live in a frum community. My sister is not frum and lives in a non-frum place. Next.

What's appalling? That some frum Jews were originally born not frum or not Jewish and now have non-frum family members?

You make it sound like it was my kids who went online and searched for stuff; or someone lectured them on some inappropriate stuff.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 3:48 pm

What clashes that this kid isn't as frum as his cousins?
My kids know some Jews don't know and keep as much as we do.
The cousin knows his fam keeps kosher and holidays, and his cousins keep a million and one thing.
The "why he's not the same" is simple: his parents choose differently from his aunt and uncle. It's confusing only to a 2 yo kid.

tichellady

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 3:58 pm

People are being very hard of the op. She’s in a hard situation. Kibud av vem and shalom Bayis apply even when your family is not the same as you.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 4:19 pm

Op I'm not sure what your talking about. I'm being really serious and now it's up to you to do the right thing.

You came here for us tell you you are doing the right thing? You do know what's wrong and proof is you are asking. So I gave you something that I think is right and you don't like and want to hear the truth.

The truth is hard. No one has it easy in life. This is your nisayon now. It's up to you to do the right thing. And no I did not say your kids are going online.

Reread my post. Your not comprehending.

If your children are exposed to this. And you know what's it's about then I shudder to think what your kids are hearing from this child.

I really think you should reread your original post. I'm responding to what you wrote. It's a dangerous world when you mix full exposed internet with non frum family and a child with so many issues. The mix is no good.

I stand by my opinion unless something I don't know about. Based on what your saying.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 4:31 pm

Ok, you say it's funny that I am. Keep doing what your doing and when you realize one day that your child is talking about stuff that's not appropriate let us know.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 4:49 pm

Apricot amother, you are delusional because you insist that I am doing something (what?) that is wrong and keep doing it. Wth?

For the sake of other posters who aren't nasty and may be mislead by apricot amother I'll clarify my position. Maybe someone will gain something from his thread one day.

I've just found out that my nephew saw inappropriate stuff online. My kids haven't had contact with them since then. Wth and I doing wrong? Figuring out daas Torah and getting some random ladies' opinions to help me navigate this situation?

amother

Khaki

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 6:24 pm

tichellady wrote:

People are being very hard of the op. She’s in a hard situation. Kibud av vem and shalom Bayis apply even when your family is not the same as you.

Tichellady, thank you. I appreciate your support.

amother

Red

Wed, Feb 21 2018, 9:00 pm

apricot. please reread the op and comprehend what was written there before you come talking to op like this. thank you.

Op, I don't really have advice for your dilemma but wishing you siyata dishmaya for a good solution and harchavas hadas in whatever you choose to do.
Good luck

Last edited by amother on Sun, Jun 10 2018, 10:03 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cyan

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 12:04 am

Op I have a similar situation, Not identical but also dealing with a very close relative behaving inappropriately. I have always told my kids about privacy, good touch bad touch, no keeping secrets from parents, and the whole safety talk... starting very young with the safety book Lets Stay Safe by Yakov Horowitz and adding age appropriate information as they get older. I also told them if they ever have questions or want to discuss what we spoke about they should only talk to a parent. ( which they did from time to time)This is not a subject to discuss with peers. I told them that we trust them that they are old enough to handle the info but not everyone thinks their children are mature enough to know all this.

In the book it is written and illustrated to never go anywhere with out letting your parents know where you are and to not walk off with an older person even a relative to a place where there are no other people around. First we read the book and then we would have conversations about the topics.

I suspected that my relative would behave inappropriately given the chance to do so. We would review our family rules every time before we visited them or they came to us.
I told the kids No going into bedrooms. Only stay in public living areas. Never close or lock the door to the rooms . The living space in relatives house was more or less a large open floor plan so supervising was easier.
For me and my Dh no getting so engrossed in the conversation that I have no clue what they're up to. We needed to be constantly aware of what the kids were doing. If they wanted to go outside they would tell me because you don't go anywhere with out letting a parent know where you will be and I would go with them.

If you decide not to cut off contact you need to reframe the the visit in your mind. It is not a chance for you to enjoy spending some time with your mom. You need to actively control the situation. You plan the activity. Baking together, arts and crafts-before sukos something for the sukkah before Purim signs and decorations. They would perform shows for the younger kids. Races outside,Science experiments. My kids actually have such great memories because we would do the fun stuff then . I would put relative in charge of stuff. man the grill. Fill the kiddy pool. Pop the popcorn. Set up for the party. All privileges and the best jobs but kept the kid out of the way.
Over the years it wasn't obvious that this was "supervised visitation" but it was. I don't know what age your kids and nephew are but my relative was older than my kids but never caught on.

As things became suspicious I was very open with my kids. I would try to limit our time with them but it wasn't always possible. I told them that this relative talks about stuff that's inappropriate. They know that the same conversation with parents is ok but with friends would be Nivul Pe. Under no circumstances are they to walk off alone. If they can't see me then I can't see them ( this rule was all the time when they were younger not just with that relative)
If I saw questionable behavior we would talk about it when we got home. Did you notice how relative was trying so hard to get rid of me supervising all you kids?
Did that make me different from my very frum right wing community? It did. I'd rather be thought of as a helicopter parent in the family as well as have my kids know more stuff than stay uber sheltered and unsafe.
Something nearly occurred recently and I believe what my children told me. They said NO as they were taught. I'm so thankful for that. Bh they knew what to do and nothing happened. It led to more conversations about molestation and the devastating affect on both the victim and perpetrator. The kids understand why we have almost no contact now.

If you read till here I'm sorry I'm rambling. It's evoking lots of emotions for me and I have loads more to say about this
If you think it's just a silly young kid and if you limit his time over you can control the environment then go for it. Otherwise it's not worth the risk exposing your kids to age inappropriate topics.

amother

Khaki

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 5:06 am

2gn, thank you for your support.

Cyan, my situation is actually quite different.
I guess some posters misunderstood a bit what I wrote.
His behavior isn't s'xually inappropriate, rather socially inappropriate, or in plain language "a bit off."
I know some adults like that too. They're totally harmless but clueless in terms of personal space, staying at a certain minimum distance from another, not dominating conversation and "sound space" in general, keeping normal eye contact, playing ball game according to conventional rules etc.

My concern was that because he generally acts younger than his age he would share *information* not appropriately. In my circumstances (the type of community, schools etc) it may have serious consequences.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 5:46 am

amother wrote:

My concern was that because he generally acts younger than his age he would share *information* not appropriately. In my circumstances (the type of community, schools etc) it may have serious consequences.

I understand what your are saying that it's not behavior. It's language and conversations that can be a problem.
Being chasidish I understand consequences from society. I chose info over ignorance. Obviously all age appropriate. Hopefully no one exposes them to the stuff your nephew was unfortunately exposed to. Kids need to know how to shut down a conversation right away.
I still think if your children will have most of the information from you, and you supervise the situation very much you won't have to cut your nephew out of your life. I guess you will have to decide between being over involved when he's over so you are there to stop him immediately when he uses bad language or starts to over share or not having him over at all. I think it's different situations but similar strategies necessary.
Would that help at all or nope?

amother

Khaki

Thu, Feb 22 2018, 6:23 am

amother wrote:

Thank you for advice. Your approach is something I may be able to use in the future.

We do talk to our kids too, have r. Horowitzs book and some others and rehearse the scenarios from time to time. The extent of info depends on child's age.

Right now implementing it may be problematic due to my boys' ages.
The 10 yo I could work with to ensure he doesn't get engaged in an inappropriate conversations, reports to parents and doesn't spread it on.
The 6yo- not so much. He knows about tThe inappropriate touch, keeping secrets from parents etc but He may not chap to stop the conversation until it is already done, ykwim?

In the meantime, it looks like we will have to stop interactions until we figure out if there's a way to proceed safely.

I'll try to post an update with the Rav's eitza and my husbands opinion a bit later.